No one wants a divorce.
Divorce is one of the most mentally and emotionally painful experiences a man can go through. It crushes your soul, destroys your hopes for the future, and plunges you into a deep, dark pit of despair.
You don’t want a divorce, but there seems to be no escape.
You and your wife separated months ago, and despite your yearning to make amends and get your married life back on track, things seem to be going downhill.
Despite all the relationship advice and all the hours of marriage counseling, the reconciliation process seems to be coming to an unavoidable end.
You feel you’re standing on the edge of that deep, dark pit, and nothing on the earth can stop your inevitable descent.
But then something happens. She starts dropping hints.
What do you do? How do you respond? What if you’re wrong? What if you’re misreading the situation in your loneliness and desperation?
Maybe there’s nothing there, and you’re just a blind man trying to cash a blank check. Or, maybe all the signs are there, but you, fearing rejection for the second time and the crushing pain that follows, will miss them.
Your wife lies lonely in her bed, wishing for things to be just as they once were, but you’re never going to know. She’s telling herself it’s for the better and that you’re happy without her, and she’ll never know that that’s not true because you never tried.
Remember, rejection is brutal, sudden, and excruciating, but it’s never worse than the dull, thrumming, lifelong pain of regret.
But how do you know if your separated wife wants you back? How do you know if your love can still be rekindled?
In this article, we’ll go over the ten most common ways you can tell if your separated (or ex) wife wants to reconcile.
First, Ask Yourself the Key Question- Are You Lonely, or Do You Really Want Her Back?
Men are complex creatures searching for complex things that sometimes even our complex minds can’t comprehend.
Our subconscious need for value and external validation can drive us to all sorts of nonsensical ends and sometimes lead to unhealthy relationships.
Before you try to figure out if your separated wife wants to get back together, you need to decide if you want to get back together, if you’re just lonely and craving validation, or desperately in need of familiarity’s comforting hand.
Suppose the answer to this question is unclear to you. In that case, I suggest deep self-reflection and consultation with a men’s relationship coach before proceeding into the rest of this article. Maybe you need to get over your ex and move on.
Over my ten-plus years as a men’s coach, I’ve seen countless men find themselves in empty relationships simply because they didn’t ask themselves that big question: do I want her, or am I just lonely?
10 Signs Your Separated Wife Wants to Reconcile
If you’ve sorted yourself out and are confident you want her back, here are ten signs that she wants the same thing.
Take all these with a grain of salt because no situation is the same. Rarely will the emergence of one of these ten alone merits the drawing of any reliable conclusions. If she does want you back and reconcile, it will likely be a messy mix of a handful of the ten.
Remember, this article offers insight and advice to help you further understand (even decipher) the implications of your wife’s actions. This is not a guidebook or instruction manual whose advice you should act on without further thinking.
Without further ado, here are ten signs that your separated wife wants to reconcile.
1. She Keeps in Touch
Beyond maintaining basic communication for practical reasons (children, finances not yet separated), if your wife keeps in touch after separation, likely, she’s not over you.
One of the most common ways for a separated wife to show she’s interested in you is to maintain frequent communication.
If she’s curious about how your day went, if you’re still reading that book, or how your dog is doing, it’s a clear sign she’s still interested.
A separated woman who is intent on staying that way doesn’t make small talk with her separated husband.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
2. You are Her First Call When She Needs Help
Humans are beings of the subconscious. So many thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and emotions are expressed without the conscious approval of our minds.
Consider common lines like “I can tell by the way she looks at him,” “you could see it in his eyes,” and “it was written on her face.”
Whether we like it or not, most of us are as easy to read as any children’s book. Human actions can’t help but mirror our insides.
If your wife’s first instinct when she’s in a pickle is to turn to you, you can be sure that her subconscious (if not her conscious) is attached to you.
Her heart views you as safety and comfort, and though she tries her best to act otherwise, a part of her relies on you.
This doesn’t mean that one of these phone calls for help with some relational issue with her parents or a leaking sprinkler guarantees you a way back into your failed marriage.
But enough of these calls over a long enough time means there’s a good chance your separated wife wants to reconcile.
3. She Can’t Help Reminiscing
One of the biggest signs your wife wants to begin things again is if she can’t stop reminiscing about your times together. No matter what you try to talk about, the conversation always ends with how the two of you used to or remember that one summer.
If she loves talking about all the good memories, she’s likely ready to make more.
Though some reminiscing and reflecting on the past is natural, if it is frequent and seems to neglect all the negative memories (the reasons you two split up), she wants to reconcile.
Most women who want to divorce insist on bringing up the painful parts of their marriage.
4. You Keep “Randomly” Bumping Into Her
You ran into her on your morning walk last month but thought nothing of it. She’s also fond of walking, and there aren’t many good spots around town.
Then you bumped into her at your normal coffee spot again last week. Once again, she likes coffee just as much as you do. You think nothing of it.
But then yesterday you saw her at your gym. It seems she’s not only switched gyms but become a late workout person.
You tell yourself not to jump to conclusions, but these random encounters are growing too frequently. If this sounds like you, your separated wife likely wants to reconcile.
Enough “random” run-ins with an ex is a clear sign that she’s ready to have you back. If she was actually ready to move on, grabbing your attention would be the last thing on her mind.
She may just be waiting for you to catch the hint and sweep her off her feet with some grand romantic gesture.
5. She Admits to Her Mistakes
When humans want things, we’re masters at getting them. If your separated wife wants to reconcile and you aren’t making any moves, she knows it’s up to her.
She knows she’s going to have to do something to make things right–something to get rid of the negative emotions separating the two of you and get over past mistakes.
While an outright apology is rare, you can often find promising signs hidden in her speech. Here are some common phrases to look out for:
- I know I can be so difficult sometimes…
- I know I screwed up, but…
- I know I made it hard…
- You know how I’m that way…
These are all ways of fessing up to mistakes and owning the blame. If these phrases frequent her speech, she’s probably seeking forgiveness and reconciliation.
6. Drunk Calls
One of the tell-tale positive signs that your separated wife wants to reconcile is if she calls you when she’s drunk.
Here me out because I know this one sounds stupid. Alcohol is known as a “truth serum” for a reason. It does away with inhibition and encourages even the most introverted person to express their feelings openly.
If your separated wife picks up the phone when she’s drunk, and you get repeated calls, this is a good sign. I’ve had guys in counseling say, “The only time she calls me is when she’s drunk!” That’s great! That means she’s thinking of you when she’s not drunk.
7. She Tries to Make you Jealous
Jealousy is a powerful tool in the right hands. Provoking jealousy is a common tactic used to stir up emotions and try to arouse interest.
This one can be extremely difficult to identify, but if you keep an eye out for strange behaviors from your ex-wife, you’ll often find jealousy at the root.
One of the most common ways women use jealousy to their advantage is by flirting with another man right under your nose.
While some women may do this out of spite, others do it to arouse anger and subsequent interest in their man.
If your wife does this, she likely has no interest in whoever she’s flirting with. Instead, she wants to see your reaction and assess whether or not you still have feelings for her.
8. She’s Sweet Toward you/Flirts with you
Remember that this sweetness towards you doesn’t have to be outright flirting. In fact, it likely won’t be.
When a woman wants you back, much of her sweetness towards you will be subconscious and uncontrollable.
When you’re in her presence (at a get-together, bar, etc.), pay attention to the small details such as:
- where she looks when she’s thinking
- where she positions herself in a crowded room to you
- how she always seems to find her way into your conversation
- how she talks about you to other people
A woman who’s genuinely over her ex-husband will be indifferent to his presence. If you feel as if you’re the only person your wife sees in a room full of people, you’re likely on her mind.
9. She Shows Interest in your Dating Life
A woman who is genuinely detached will not care about your dating life and will not care that you are filled in on hers.
If your separated wife is curious about your love life or sexual intimacy with other women, she is not over you.
A wife who wants taking back will make small comments about how she’s still single or field the occasional probing question about your relationship status.
Don’t let these small comments’ levity and light-hearted delivery fool you. These are carefully planted seeds.
10. She Wants to Hang Out with You and Your Friends
Hanging out with mutual friends is one thing; hanging out with you and your friends is another.
If your wife or ex-wife seems to be worming her way into the same circle of friends as you, she’s probably just trying to work her way back into her life.
This is one of the most clear-cut signs she wants to reconcile.
There is no reason for your wife to take a sudden interest in your group of friends when she had your whole marriage to do so and chose not to.
Your wish to avoid divorce is completely justified. Divorce ruins lives.
Finding a way to reconcile with your wife can be the most valuable thing you’ll ever do. But how do you know?
Dealing with a relationship at this precarious stage is no easy task, and it is nearly impossible to know sometimes. Some women’s hints are as clear as the sun in the sky, while others are sudden flashes of light that you’ll miss if you blink at the wrong time.
Regardless, knowing what to look for puts you miles ahead of most—knowing that her frequent communication and her constant reminiscing aren’t meaningless. Knowing that it wasn’t “just coincidence” that you bumped into each other four times last week or that her weekly calls asking for help aren’t negligible.
If you know what to look for, you have the potential to rekindle your romance and get things back on track.
If this article sparked any drive in you but still feels you lack the initiative to act, we’re here for you. Here at Knowledge for Men, we have a dozen of the best men’s coaches on the planet ready to help broken men heal their broken relationships, conquer self-defeating habits, and glue their lives back together.
Beyond men’s coaching, we also offer exclusive membership to a growing “band of brothers”–a group of men just like you looking to get their lives back on track. These are men who are all in. Men who understand that intentionality is the only way things get done in the world.
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