When you break up with someone, it can feel like you’ve lost everything.
Speaking purely transactionally, all you lose is a person, but it feels like so much more.
This is because, after a breakup, you don’t just lose a person. You lose a piece of yourself devoted to that special person who is now nothing but your “ex.”
You might lose some self-esteem, you might lose people you thought of as friends and family, and you might lose stability in your mental health.
You might lose a lot more than just a girlfriend. You might feel like you have lost everything.
But wait just a second.
It feels like you’ve lost everything, but feelings are not facts.
After a breakup, you feel like it’s the worst time of your life, but the fact is that after a breakup is the best time to change your life.
The healing process is scary, but you can get through it. You won’t be the same person when it’s done, but that’s the beauty of it.
Let’s dive in.
How to Get Your Life Back on Track After a Breakup
People romanticize the period after a breakup to hide their emotional pain. They’re sad, and they think that that sadness will transform is.
The hard truth is that if you don’t do a lot of hard work, you will not change. You will have the same relationships over and over again. You won’t grow. You won’t make progress.
However, you don’t have to.
You can grow. You just need some practical tips.
Here are ten realistic ways to get your life together after a devastating breakup.
1. Learn What Went Wrong, and Then Let Her Go
You can’t build toward the future if you’re still stuck living in the past.
Sure, there’s nothing wrong with reminiscing on the past every once in a while, but if you find yourself living in a past where you were in love with someone who’s no longer in your life, you might have a problem.
The past is over – there’s nothing you can do to change it. All you can adjust and work on is your relationship with the past.
Everyone says that you have to “forget the past.” This is terrible advice.
You don’t want to forget the past because parts of it were nice, and you don’t need to forget the past. The past is a great teacher, but not if you forget it.
If you try to “forget the past” or even operate from that mindset, you’ll likely begin to go through the same patterns and cycles of toxic relationships that you experienced before. Instead of forgetting the past, try to learn to accept it for what it is.
Stop trying to use the past as a way to justify the future or a way to give yourself an excuse to continue crappy behaviors.
Bad things happen all the time to good people. Bad things happen to all of us.
What separates people who move on from those who don’t is that those who can move on look at the past as a teacher, not a monster. No matter what happened, your past relationship will teach you something about yourself and how you need to grow.
It’s your job to find out what it is.
There’s nothing more depressing than watching a strong, confident man crumble after losing a woman he thought was his life’s love.
Let her go.
2. Learn a New Hobby
After you’ve let your ex go, it’s time to focus on yourself.
While the research is still new on this subject, there is evidence that starting new hobbies after a breakup can help you heal a broken heart.
I have personal experience with this as well. For me, a breakup triggered my early interest in writing and blogging, which helped me overcome my separation and become a better writer.
I shifted my focus to a new activity, which made me happier. It was a tremendous post-breakup distraction.
You could do the same for yourself; it doesn’t have to be writing. You could use martial arts training, weight lifting, painting, drawing, or even skateboarding as new hobbies after a breakup.
Creating new neural pathways is excellent for your mental health after a breakup, and it will help you become more innovative, creative, fit and healthy.
There’s no reason not to give a new hobby a try, especially after a devastating breakup.
Take those negative emotions and turn them into something positive.
3. Focus On Your Physical Health and Mental Health
“Self-care” isn’t the correct phrase, but it’s the only one that comes to mind.
As men, one of the most common mistakes that we make in relationships is that we lose ourselves in our relationships. We abandon some of the cornerstone habits that make up our identity and allow our relationships to take control of our lives.
A breakup is more than a sign that the relationship didn’t work out. It’s also a sign that you need to refocus on what makes you into you.
Who are you?
Physical discipline is one of the best ways to re-establish a connection with yourself.
Did you get a “relationship gut”? Did you start skipping the gym to hang out with your partner and watch reality TV?
It’s okay if you did – hopefully, you learned that that’s not a great way to live your life – but you still have to get it together now.
Start exercising every day. Start eating healthy. Cut out alcohol. Try fasting. Be healthier. Learn to deal with your negative emotions the healthy way.
You’ll never regret investing time in your physical health and mental health.
4. Be Careful About “Being Friends” With the Same Person You Just Broke Up With
Can you be friends with your ex-girlfriend?
Think about why you want to be friends with your ex. Why did you break up with them?
Do you want to be friends because you have genuinely shifted the way that you view them and now you view them as a friend?
Is it because you secretly want to get back together with them?
Be honest with yourself about this.
If you have this secret, “long game” in your mind about winning your ex back, you probably can’t be friends with them. You probably shouldn’t be friends with them.
Hope is one of the most dangerous emotions. Don’t wonder about “what could be” – work toward being the best version of yourself. Work toward the future.
You should probably find a better way to spend your time than being friends with your ex.
Besides, after a breakup is the best time to invest in yourself, not a friendship with your ex that will more likely than not turn toxic.
5. Don’t Try to “Rebound” Right Away
This is a unique issue for men especially because our culture encourages us to “always be on the prowl”.
As a man in modern society, if you’re not dating or actively trying to date, it’s seen like something is wrong with you.
“What are you, a serial killer?”
After you break up with someone, you’re in a kind of fragile emotional state. This is a fact.
That’s the kind of stuff people say, but they couldn’t be more wrong about dating as a man.
The truth is that no one cares about your “body count”. In the end, the guy who marries the first woman he dates and the guy who slept with 100 women are both buried in the dirt.
Not to get all nihilistic–this isn’t a philosophical point–but you must think about what you want out of your relationships.
If you want a quality relationship, make yourself a quality person. Quality people don’t sleep with people to make themselves feel better.
Quality people think carefully about their relationships before they start them.
Think before you rebound. Take your time before starting something new.
Become the better person you can be, and then try dating again.
6. Embrace Your Freedom and Start Moving Forward
In a relationship, you inevitably lose some of your freedom.
You can’t do as much stuff. You can’t go out with your friends as much. You must put your relationship on a pedestal and ensure it’s growing the way you want it to.
You spend time with your partner, but what about yourself? Spend quality time with yourself.
Relationships are serious business, and they should be treated as such.
When you break up with someone, you get some freedom back. You get some autonomy back.
Again, the culture that we live in will tell you that you always have to be dating, always working, and hustling.
This is not true.
Yes–as a man, you probably have a burning desire to provide for people that are not imagined. However, a devastating breakup is probably the worst time for you to obsess over how you will build your million-dollar business, marry your dream girl, and build the family you’ve always wanted.
You can do all these things, but obsessing over future goals during a breakup is not healing, it’s a distraction.
Distract yourself a bit, but heal before you move on and build your new life.
7. Talk to Someone About Your Past Relationship
You probably knew this point was coming, and you’re probably not thrilled at the idea of talking to someone about your breakup.
Breakups are embarrassing.
Especially if your relationship was serious (maybe they met your family and some of the other most important people in your life), it’s really easy to feel ashamed when the relationship doesn’t work out.
Breakups are hard to talk about, but that doesn’t mean you get to avoid talking about them.
Maybe therapy isn’t for you. It’s not for everyone.
That being said, there are many great ways for you to rebuild yourself after a breakup, whether through close friends, family members you trust, or perhaps even a group of men with the same interests as you.
Think about the weight on your shoulders. If it’s becoming too much to carry, there are people out there who want to help.
Don’t beat yourself up over a breakup in silence.
You can make it through a rough patch after a breakup and become a better person. Sometimes, the best catalyst for personal growth is a little support.
8. Be Emotional – It’s Part of the Healing Process
From an early age, men are taught that our emotions make us weak.
Your emotions are seen as something that you must control at all times.
For women, the experience is different. Women are taught that their emotions make them strong.
This makes life for many men very challenging because we spend more time trying to gain control over our emotions than we do living our lives. We’re constantly fighting that voice in our head that tells us exactly how it thinks we should be.
After a breakup, it’s: “Don’t cry.”
After a great day, it’s: “Don’t be too excited, it’s a sign of weakness.”
The problem with this way of thinking is that your emotions are more complicated than men give them credit.
As men, we cannot control all of our emotions all the time. Women can’t do this either. You, as a human being, cannot always feel good.
I’m sorry. That’s life.
What you can do, is learn to control how you react to your emotions. Don’t let a breakup ruin your day, week, or month–just let your emotions flow a bit.
Don’t walk around crying all over people, but don’t be afraid to be sad.
It’s the only way you’ll ever work through what you’re feeling to move on to better things.
9. Stop Blaming Yourself (and Her)
A common trope in society that happens today is a little saddening.
You’re supposed to hate your ex. You’re supposed to despise the thought of them and cuss them and be mad.
You’re supposed to resent them.
But are you supposed to resent them? Is resentment a good idea?
To put it bluntly, the answer is no. You’re not supposed to hate anyone. You’re not supposed to resent people.
If you think think about it, you once loved your ex. Why do you hate them?
How do you feel about yourself for loving them?
Take the time, but forgive her for what she did and forgive yourself for what you did. This will change your life because it will help you operate from a place of forgiveness instead of anger.
Learn to look at the world from a place of giving instead of expecting certain things.
Learn to be more empathetic and conscientious.
Forgive your ex, and forgive yourself.
10. Learn to Wait For What You Want
Take some space after you start healing before you eventually start dating again.
This is the most crucial sentence in this article: make sure you take enough time after a breakup so that you don’t relive the same “learning experience” repeatedly.
Not only should you avoid rebounding after a breakup, but you should proceed carefully in the months from now on.
If you are too quick to start looking for a partner again, you run a very high risk of getting into another relationship with someone with the same traits as your ex. You also won’t have time to improve your bad relationships habits.
You have to do the work on yourself so that you can build a better future relationship for yourself.
Do all the essential things we’ve discussed above, but also learn to wait. The most important things you do after a breakup are those you don’t do.
Don’t chase a rebound. Don’t start drinking to numb the pain. Don’t bury yourself in your work so you don’t have to feel anything.
Learn to live in the present and chase only what you want.
This is essential for happiness.
After a breakup, rediscovering who you are can be one of the hardest things you’ll do.
It can sap your energy, it can be lonely, and you’re probably going to feel like you’re doing it wrong.
Luckily, you don’t have to do it alone.
A community can help you become exactly the man you want to be.
That’s why I want to tell you about my exclusive coaching program, led by me and my team of experienced men’s coaches.
See, this program isn’t only going to help you break free from nice guy behaviors, build quality romantic relationships, and become a stronger Grounded Man. It’s also going to provide you with support from both myself and my elite community of men. Our coaches provide informed professional advice on how to pursue women who are right for you.
If you’re trying to pursue the best women possible, you first need to learn how you can grow.
With this program, you’ll be tapped into your own “band of brothers” and you’ll also have access to the best training course for men in existence today, as well as weekly calls with my team of inspiring and determined coaches. There are no boys, no complainers, or dabblers, this program is for serious men only.