There is no worse feeling than the feeling of desperation that comes to you when you realize your once-healthy relationship is decaying.
It can drive you mad.
The woman that has for so long been the dearest thing to your heart–the centerpiece of your existence–seems to be slipping slowly from your hands and you feel there’s nothing you can do to stop her.
And the toughest part–you don’t know what you’re doing wrong. You don’t know where it went awry. You’re desperate to change something, but you don’t know what.
All you know is the spark is dying and you have to do something fast. The passion isn’t there. The desire isn’t there. Physical affection feels like a chore and sexual intimacy is out of the question.
Why relationships die and how to tell if yours is broken
The starry-eyed “honeymoon phase” of a relationship can only last so long. As you get to know your partner better and the novelty of their presence wears off, the excitement can diminish.
The little things that once drove you crazy can begin to feel normal and the exhilarating connection that you once shared can feel mundane.
While a slight decline in the excitement of the relationship is totally normal as the “honeymoon phase” comes to an end, without intentional effort from you and your partner, the flame may die entirely.
Put concisely, your relationship begins to wither when one or both of you stop watering it.
A relationship’s decline is typically something that you can sense without difficulty. In case you aren’t positive, however, here are some of the telltale signs:
- There’s no trust: Relationships are built on trust. If either you or your partner distrusts the other, you are likely in a broken relationship. While jealousy is a natural feeling, if you find yourself constantly checking the whereabouts of your partner, there’s likely something wrong that needs addressing.
- You always argue: Every couple argues, but if you feel like most of your talking as a couple is arguing, there’s an issue. Couples who are constantly in conflict rarely end up staying together. So if this is you and you want your relationship to last, you have to change something.
- There’s little or no sex: A stagnant sex life is a great way to pick out a broken relationship. If there’s little to no sex in your new or long-term relationship, the likelihood is your relationship is in need of a tune-up.
- You rarely spend time together: Giving each other space and alone time is one thing, but spending no time together is another. If you and your partner aren’t spending frequent time together, that’s a huge red flag for your relationship. Think of your best friend growing up. Would you guys have called yourself best friends if you didn’t spend so much quality time together? Of course not. The same principle applies to your relationship. If you aren’t spending time together, is it even a relationship?
If you are facing one or multiple of these issues, it’s time to make things right.
8 Ways to Rekindle Your Relationship and Get the Spark Back
Here are eight of the best ways to get your relationship back on track.
1. Acknowledge the problem
If you’re reading this article, you’re taking the first step in acknowledging the problem to yourself. In order to move forward, your partner must acknowledge it as well.
The first step to reawakening a lost relationship is recognizing the issue and agreeing to address it together. If it isn’t together, then it won’t happen at all.
There is no way to restore a damaged relationship without talking about it as a couple.
This doesn’t mean the two of you have to agree on all the details. In fact, you don’t have to agree on all the details. The critical thing is that each of you has a chance to talk, get on the same page (or a similar one at least), and discuss a productive way to move forward.
Once the issue is diagnosed and understood by both parties, you and your partner are moving in the right direction.
2. Think about how it all started
Remember how it was when the two of you started dating? Each day felt new and exciting.
You talked about your dreams for the future. You expressed your feelings openly. You flirted. God, even cooking dinner for her was exciting.
There was so much connection with so little effort.
One of the best ways to rekindle a relationship is to revisit the beginning of your romance and return to some of your old habits.
While it will be impossible to relive your “honeymoon phase”, this will help you rediscover forgotten connections.
Drop off flowers at her work. Surprise her with impromptu date nights. Do anything that will reawaken the intimacy that you guys shared in the early stages.
For many men, going through the motions of such simple acts has reawakened neglected feelings and revolutionized their marriage or relationship.
3. Rediscover your sexual intimacy
When relationships begin to die, sexual intimacy tends to fade into the background. One surefire way to reignite that spark is to liven up your physical relationship.
When we hear the words “sexual intimacy”, we think of sex and nothing more. A massive part of being in an intentional relationship is realizing that when it comes to sexual intimacy, there’s so much more than just sex.
Modern society has set the single act of sex on a pedestal above everything, ignoring the nuances and emotional nature of a physical relationship.
If you think that having more sex will mend your relationship, think again.
While there’s no denying its importance, sex alone is just an act. You can’t skip to the climax of a movie with zero understanding of the plot. It’s boring and meaningless.
Here are a few great ways to build your physical relationship (sex and more):
- Learn how to flirt again
- : The small signals you sent in the beginning still work
- Show frequent affection: Physical contact of any sort releases hormones that make people feel close
- Schedule intimacy: If you aren’t intentional with your actions, your relationship has no hope. Scheduling sex into your week is a great way to embrace intentionality
- Surprise her: In or out of the bedroom, surprises of any sort can go a long way in spicing up your romantic life
If physical intimacy is lacking in your relationship, it’s time to move.
4. Learn to be expressive (in the right way)
Many men don’t know how to express their feelings. It’s not an accusation, it’s a fact.
From adolescence, we are taught to suppress, not express. It’s not our job to express. Why burden the world with our problems when they’ve all got their own?
We bottle these things up, tuck them away deep inside, and let them simmer. Then, when something finally gets on our nerves enough, they all come tumbling out (usually onto our wife or girlfriend).
If your relationship is failing, it’s possible you need to learn how to be expressive–in the right way.
Learning how to express your frustrations and disagreements in a calm, logical manner can save your relationship. Too many bottled-up emotions can turn into grudges. Grudges turn into silence and distrust. And distrust eats away at your relationship until it’s dead and gone.
Women absolutely adore a man who can wear his heart on his sleeve while maintaining the composure and discipline to have a reasonable discussion.
And this doesn’t only apply to arguments and negative feelings. Learning how to express positive feelings and emotions is one of the most powerful things in a romantic relationship.
Knowing how to convey your love in a genuine, heartfelt manner will turn a girlfriend into a wife in no time.
5. Spend time alone
As bizarre as it sounds, sometimes spending intentional time alone is the best thing you can do for your relationship.
For most men, dating life is vastly different from single life. And while this is generally a healthy thing, many men get so invested in their relationship that they ignore their need for alone time.
Setting aside intentional “break” time from one another is extremely healthy for your mental health and can be a real game-changer in a relationship.
Don’t believe me? Try it at least once. Take some time each week to focus on yourself. Focus on your individual interests and self-care. Try out some of the same things you did in your single days.
Most couples are afraid of this idea because they view any time spent apart as a sign of weakness in their relationship. This is not the case.
The healthiest couples are those that understand their need for solitude and schedule it into their everyday lives.
Sometimes this can be the best way to rekindle a relationship!
6. Don’t get complacent (never stay stuck!)
There are a lot of “do’s” on this list and that is intentional. There are so many things you can do to give your relationship hope.
There is, however, one “don’t” that must be mentioned. This is the biggest mistake you could make in a relationship–the thing that ruins more relationships than anything else… complacency.
Your relationship is what it is right now. That’s a fact. But it will only stay that way if you let it. It’s your choice to move forward and it’s your choice to stay stuck.
Sitting still and “waiting it out” is never a good idea. Trust me, things only get worse.
As a men’s relationship coach and professional counselor for over a decade, I can say with confidence that complacency is any relationship’s biggest foe.
It’s better to try to fix your relationship and make a few mistakes than to stand idly by and watch it burn out.
Don’t get complacent!
7. Seek discomfort together
So your relationship is dying and you don’t know what to do. You’ve tried all six of the methods above and yet, despite your best efforts, you still feel it slipping downhill.
It’s possible that you’re missing something.
It may just be that your life got boring, not your relationship!
Here is an example of what I mean:
Jack and Jill met in college. They met at a beach party, got into trouble, went on crazy trips, the whole shebang. They fell in love, told each other, and the rest is history.
When college ended, they moved into a house outside of town, started their 9-5 jobs, and settled for a routine life. They dreamed of kids someday, a bigger house, and maybe even a second car.
But sometime along the way, they started to wonder if they were even meant for each other. Their relationship just felt a lot more boring than it used to be for some reason.
Hmm, I wonder why.
The truth is, Jack and Jill have a fine relationship. They just let their lives get boring. Stir in a little adventure from their younger days and they’ll be up and running again!
Sometimes, stepping out of the monotony of your routine and into the discomfort of adventure is all a relationship needs to rekindle. It’s possible that you’re one spontaneous plane ticket or sold house away from the excitement of your old relationship.
I’m not saying that you should throw your life down the drain this instant, just that you should consider the possibility that your life is boring, not your relationship.
The moment you begin to feel comfortable is the moment the passion and fun of life begin to dwindle.
Get out of your comfort zone! Go make new memories and stop relying on your college days.
8. Get professional help
If you’re tired of feeling like your relationship is going nowhere but down no matter how hard you try, it may be time to get professional help.
Try counseling or therapy and see what you might be missing.
Maybe you’re tired of talking about how you got where you are now, and you’re ready to talk about how you’re going to get where you want to be. You’ve recognized your mistakes and want to move forward.
The process of fixing your relationship can be long and arduous, but with help, it can be done.
If you feel your relationship is slipping from your hands, don’t lose hope! Too many men stand passively by and watch that which is most precious to them crumble before their eyes. Too many men get complacent!
You can bring your relationship back to life by following the eight methods above and intentionally stepping into your masculinity. Now, it’s time to act on it!
It’s time to remember why you fell in love, reawaken your sexual intimacy, and learn how to express yourself. It’s time to kiss your mundane life goodbye and make your partner fall in love with you all over again.
Here at Knowledge for Men, we are all about moving forward, improving your love life, finding amazing partners and being the best version of yourself. We help you mend broken relationships, reawaken love and put that precious spark back in their relationship. Thousands of men have felt the same way and thousands of men have reignited the flame with action.