When you approach a woman, do you feel like she’s judging you? Do you see her eyeing you up and down, drawing conclusions about you before you even open your mouth?
Does this make you feel self-conscious and cause you to stumble with your approach? Do you walk up with a quiet, cool confidence, only to walk away like you swallowed a bug?
Or maybe this happens when you’re out on a date.
Your date is laughing at your jokes, is engaged with the conversation, and generally seems to be having a good time… Then, you say or do something that completely changes her mood.
You’re not even sure what you did, but you can feel the awkward silence that completely sucks all the energy from the room.
If any of this sounds familiar, you may lack confidence and charisma around women. And if so, you may struggle to develop deeper, more meaningful relationships.
These missteps with women might cause you to feel like something is inherently wrong with you. After all, other guys you see in public and many of your friends don’t have this problem, so what’s wrong with you?
Chances are, you’re approaching things with the wrong strategy. And make no mistake about it: strategy is one of the most critical aspects of achieving success with women.
Society sometimes makes us believe that everything in life comes down to natural talent, but this usually isn’t true. In fact, very few things are dependent on natural talent.
You will need some talent if you want to play as a center for the L.A. Lakers. You’ll also need talent if you want to be the best chess player in the world or become one of the richest men on earth.
But you don’t need talent for most other things in life. For example, getting rich is a process. Following certain steps to compound your wealth can easily add a few zeroes to your bank account. You might not be the next Elon Musk, but you can still get rich.
And it’s the same thing regarding building confidence and charisma around women. Success in dating isn’t dependent on talent — it’s a skill that can be learned just like anything else in life.
Guys who are out there owning the dating game don’t want you to believe this. They want you to believe (or they try to convince themselves) that they’re special — that they have something that no one else has.
Sorry, but that’s just not true. I’ve had plenty of success with women, and I’m here to tell you that I don’t have some God-given talent that other men don’t have.
What I have is the right mix of practice and strategy. I learned many of these things through putting in countless hours of work so men like yourself don’t have to.
I’m not better than you — I just have more experience. And that’s why I’m a professional coach. I devoted time to learning these things to help men like you.
Today, I’m here to impart some of that wisdom to help you overcome your fear of being judged by women.
These are strategies that can be implemented immediately. And with enough consistency and practice, it won’t be long until these struggles you’re experiencing become a distant memory.
1. Analyze Your Emotions And Realize You Might Be Judging Yourself
Be honest, is there something you’re secretly self-conscious about? Is it your height, your hair, or your job? Something that you seriously don’t like about yourself but try to hide from others?
Step number one to overcoming judgment fears is to own and conquer the judgments you make about yourself.
Because no matter who you are or what you think you’re lacking, I can guarantee you that there’s something you can offer women that no other man out there can.
And this is true for all of us. The difference between men who have confidence with women and those who don’t is that the confident man focuses on his strengths and uses them to build himself up.
He amplifies what he’s good at to overshadow what he’s lacking — and he does this internally and externally.
I once had a client making over 300k a year but was embarrassed to tell women what he did for a living. Why? Because he worked as a regional manager at a large fast-food chain.
He felt that women would judge him simply by hearing the name of his employer. And since people don’t typically discuss gross income on the first date, he would clam up every time the topic of work came up.
Do you know how many people in America make that much money a year? 2%. Yes, this gentleman was in the country’s top 2% of earners and was embarrassed about the company name on the check.
After some introspection, he understood that women weren’t actually judging him at all; he was judging himself.
He felt like he never lived up to family expectations, and that caused him to feel self-conscious. Plus, he subconsciously hated his job and blamed it for a great deal of misfortune in his life.
With introspection and coaching, he eventually overcame these negative emotions and learned how to navigate conversations about work and salary effortlessly. All it took was a bit of practice (more on this later).
2. Don’t Let Past Experiences Dictate The Future
Another problem I often encounter is men who think every woman out there is going to be the same as their past partners.
Just because a woman judged something in this man’s life in the past, he falsely believes every woman he meets will do the same.
First, you need to understand there are fundamental differences between how men and women approach dating. For example, women tend to be attracted to a wider variety of physical traits in a man.
Generally speaking, if you line up ten men across from ten women and ask each group who’s the most attractive, the guys will all pick the same woman. The women, however, won’t.
In reality, there are certain foundational things that attract a woman to a man — mainly his physical, financial, and social value.
Let’s look at physical value again. On the surface, it’s a simple concept. If you’re tall, handsome, and have huge muscles, you’ll get all the girls, right?
Not necessarily. In fact, this assumption often arises because men don’t understand the true definition of value.
What’s most important is demonstrating a commitment to fitness, finances, and social connections. Regularly going to the gym, being smart with your money, and working to expand your social circle will invariably lead to more success with women.
But what often happens is that a man will encounter a woman who tells him he’s too short or his bank account doesn’t have enough zeroes on the end. Then he’ll get in his head that something he’s lacking is causing women to judge him.
But this simply isn’t the case. One woman’s opinion shouldn’t dictate your outlook on the dating game.
If you’ve had a woman say something about you or treat you in a certain way that hurt you emotionally — acknowledge that. Acknowledge it and then put in the effort to work through it. But whatever you do, don’t linger on it and let it define you.
3. Realize That Judgment Comes From A Lack Of Understanding
When someone judges you, it’s natural to feel angry about it. A person — or, in this case, a woman — meets you and assumes something about you that just isn’t true.
This anger, in turn, leads to bitterness and resentment. And if this resentment goes unchecked, it won’t be long until it spirals out of control and skews your entire worldview.
But what causes judgment on the most fundamental level? A lack of understanding.
And understand something about judgment: we all do this. When we’re unfamiliar with someone or something, our brains naturally fill in the blanks based on our past experiences.
This is why so many men struggle to figure out what women want. They’re so caught up in past experiences that they can’t see things objectively.
Well, when a woman does this to you, it’s the same exact thing.
You need to ask yourself: Does this lack of understanding reflect your worth in any way? Does this other person’s experiences dictate who you really are? Of course not. We do these things because it’s human instinct.
Your self-esteem can’t be reliant on the opinions of others. If you’re a grounded man who is confident in his self-worth, it won’t matter if a woman forms a negative view of you.
If you have your life figured out — you’re financially stable, taking care of your body, have a robust social circle, have clear life goals, and are fun to be around — any woman would be happy to have you.
Women will see your inherent value and chase after you for a chance to be with you. And if, on occasion, you encounter a woman who was too quick to judge you, would you care?
Absolutely not. You’d shrug it off, say, “It’s her loss,” and get on with your day. When you really understand who you are and what you can offer, the rogue opinion of one woman won’t matter to you.
4. Take A Deep Breath And Understand “The Spotlight Effect”
“The spotlight effect” is the tendency to believe others always watch and evaluate us. From what we wear to what we say to how we walk — all eyes are constantly on us.
I hate breaking it to you, but this just isn’t true. You are less important than you think you are.
People are far too preoccupied with their own lives and problems to focus on what you’re saying or doing.
And besides that, how often do you find yourself the center of attention? You could have a presentation to give at the office or a speech to read at a wedding. And yes, you are the center of attention in those rare circumstances.
But you know what? Even then, only some people are going to pay attention to you. A person might be looking you dead in the face, apparently tuned in to every word coming out of your mouth, yet not listening to any of it.
Think about it; you’ve done this. You’ve sat across from someone, nodded attentively, acted interested, and asked questions to appear engaged. But really, every word this person said went in one ear and out the other.
And it’s not even because you didn’t like the person — you just had too much stuff going through your head to focus on what they were saying.
Well, you know what? This happens all the time. In today’s technological age, people are more distracted than ever before.
Between DMs, notifications, dinner plans, and what we’re going to watch on Netflix tonight, far too many thoughts are bouncing around our heads at any given moment. This makes it practically impossible to be fully attentive to any person, place, or thing.
So, while you are 100% conscious of every move you make and word coming out of your mouth, other people around you are not.
When you start to feel the anxiety creep up, take solace in this fact. Remember that the reality of the situation is likely far different from how you see things playing out in your own head.
5. The Best Way To Unlock Your Charm? Practice.
How many pushups can you do without stopping? 20? 30? 50?
And if I asked you to do pushups every day for the next month, could you increase that number? Without a doubt.
This is common sense; you must practice it if you want to improve at anything. Yet, so many men fail to make this connection when it comes to dating and women.
If you’re lacking charm and charisma, work on it. Of course, the difference between doing a couple of pushups and cold approaching a woman is the feeling that comes with failure…
If your arms give out, you’ll probably be sore for a few minutes, and then it will pass. But if you strike out with a woman, a lingering pain of embarrassment can hang around for weeks or more.
But remember, there was a point in your life when you struggled to do even a single pushup. But because you were young and full of energy, you pushed through that initial failure until you were able to build up your reps.
Building charm and charisma with women is the same exact thing. If you consistently made it a point to try talking to new women on a consistent basis, you’d get better at it.
And that’s without even having a strategy. Simple trial and error will teach you what’s working for you and what’s not.
Finding what works with women is like working out. There will be hurdles, setbacks, and obstacles to overcome. The key is to not let these things derail you.
If you’re persistent and work through the pain, you will see results.
For example, let’s say your approach needs work. You get too nervous, you struggle with what to say, and in the end, you come off feeling awkward.
You might strike up a conversation on occasion, but if it doesn’t go well, you give up. Then it could be days, weeks, or even months before you try again.
Again, let’s go back to the pushup example. If you worked out one day and then took two weeks off, you’d never make any progress. You know this.
Well, you must have the same mentality when it comes to women. Make it a point to talk to one new woman a day.
Learn some simple icebreaker lines that have been proven to work.
Understand how body language works, study it, and use it to your advantage.
And, going back to what I said earlier, master the core fundamentals of making yourself more attractive to women.
6. Watch, Observe, And Learn From Other Men
In the absence of learning things the hard way, do the next best thing: learn from other men. If you have a friend who has consistently shown success with women, make it a point to spend more time with him.
If you look closely, you’ll see that there are core fundamentals successful guys use when approaching women.
- Go in with good posture. If you walk up to her looking like you’re ready to get rejected, you probably will.
- Don’t forget to smile. As simple as it sounds, many men forget to smile when they make their approach. They get caught up in the moment, tense up, and give a bad first impression. A genuine smile and a small compliment are often all you need to open up the conversation.
- Make eye contact. But don’t overdo it. Too little eye contact and you’ll appear disinterested; too much and you’ll make her uncomfortable.
- Show you’re worth her time. If you approach in a way that clearly shows your value — being well groomed, wearing an outfit that shows intention, and with cool, quiet confidence — it will make it much easier to break the ice.
- Give her space. Understand that women and men have different expectations around strangers. What might seem harmless to you can be intimidating to a woman. Slowly approach in a way that shows her you’re coming and doesn’t startle her.
- Be playful. Girls like guys who are fun to be around, so the faster you can show your funny side, the better. Cracking a joke, especially directed toward yourself, can be a great way to inject humor into the conversation.
- Pay attention to her body language. One of the biggest secrets is knowing when to approach in the first place. If she seems stressed or tense about something, nothing you can say or do will make her feel better — remember, she doesn’t even know you. She’ll be receptive to starting a conversation if she’s laughing and having a good time.
If you stick to these seven guidelines, it should greatly improve your charisma and approach with women.
And if you try all the things mentioned above and still feel like you’re doing something wrong, there’s a possibility you are.
In these cases, it may be better to hire a professional who can help examine your actions and give you tailored solutions based on your unique needs.
7. Be Authentically, Unapologetically You
At the end of the day, there’s no way to fake it with women. Either you are the man you say you are, or you are not. Women value honesty above all things — remember that.
Don’t brag about things you haven’t done, trips you haven’t taken, or money you don’t have. Be comfortable with yourself and use that positivity to build charisma and charm.
Of course, that isn’t to say that you can’t change. If you’ve never traveled more than 50 miles from your hometown but secretly want to be a cultured world traveler, you can do that… Just make sure you do it first before you start bragging about it.
And besides, telling the truth and being authentic is infinitely easier than trying to make sense of a series of lies.
If you feel you need to work on yourself to improve your value in the dating economy, that’s perfectly all right. If you want to change, you can, but you need to be committed to putting in the work.
I’m a firm believer that personal development and constant learning are what make life worth living. It’s your responsibility to make the most of what life has to offer and become the best version of yourself.
When it comes to women and dating, recognize your worth and don’t be too critical of your past failures. Those things happen for a reason: so you can learn and grow from them.
When it comes to dating, it’s easy to get down on yourself and fall into your own head sometimes. That’s why a support group of strong, like-minded men is vital to your continued success.
Ideally, you should surround yourself with other men who aren’t okay to challenge you in the name of self-growth.
Of course, that doesn’t always happen. Your friends or male family members may be too busy with their own affairs to even grab a beer with you, let alone talk about deeper issues like these.
Having men you can count on in your life is very important. At Knowledge for Men, we pride ourselves on building a community of men who are committed to helping their peers become the best versions of themselves.
This isn’t a group for complainers or guys who are looking for an easy solution. This is a coaching program that will challenge you — probably like you’ve never been challenged before.
Admittedly, this isn’t for everyone, but if you’re the time of man who is dedicated to self-improvement and is willing to put in the work, the results may just exceed your wildest expectations.
Do you think you have what it takes?
If so, stop wasting time and get started today.