When people think about their love life, they hope they can offer their partners the sexual relationship they deserve.
Being a better lover isn’t just a bragging right among men! It’s also one of the best ways to ensure your relationship doesn’t fall apart. In some cases, being a better lover can also help you keep the interest of a woman who otherwise would be out of your league.
Being a good lover is not just about being good at sex as a man. It is about being a great partner in every walks of life, through thick and thin and something that you should always aspire to be.
But, how does a man become a better lover? Believe it or not, it’s easier than you may expect it to be.
1. Start by actively listening to your partner
While this is not always the case, many women are vocal about what they want to see in bed. Listen and follow the guidance your partner gives you. After all, no one knows your partner’s body like your partner!
Sometimes, they will tell you when they want a particular sexual act or verbally guide you on how to do things. Other times, you can tell what they think by the moans they make when they do it.
Body language matters when you’re listening. If she seems nervous, do what you can to make her realize that you won’t judge her.
If you aren’t sure how to be a better lover for your partner, ask her what she fantasizes about or what she wants to see more of in the bedroom.
2. Stop stressing
Easier said than done. However, being a good lover is hard if your mind is not in the moment.
It’s easy to get inside your head and start worrying if you’re doing everything right. This can quickly become a nightmare when trying to please your wife or girlfriend.
Take a deep breath and recognize that everyone has moments where they won’t be the best in bed. Even porn stars have performance issues from time to time. You should be fine if you relax and try different things to help your wife orgasm.
Getting nervous or self-conscious in the bedroom is normal. Learning how to focus on the woman in your life is often the easiest way to overcome that sense of worry. If that doesn’t work, you may want to talk to a professional about your anxiety.
3. Don’t forget foreplay, and don’t forget that it starts outside the bedroom
Most men assume that pleasure begins and ends in the bedroom. Some also believe that sex means penetration and a brief fingering session. Neither of these is true, not with a good lover.
Rushing to the main event is a surefire way to turn intimacy into a robotic dance. You don’t want that, and neither do women. It will get boring. So, tease them and build up some anticipation:
- Start with teasing and playful flirting outside the bedroom. Tell her how attractive she is and how she’s the person you want to be with. It doesn’t have to be explicit unless you’re actively engaging in sultry talk.
- Don’t be afraid to explore your partner through massage, caressing, kissing and more. There’s something beautiful and sensual about taking the time to appreciate a person’s body. It ramps up the passion and also shows how much desire you have for them.
- Consider kink play. To get into kink, you need to have a lot of talk time about what she does and doesn’t want. You might be surprised at what some fetishes can lead to, especially regarding foreplay.
- Try to give your partner an orgasm before the main event starts. This is the easiest way to ensure you have great sex and keep her wanting more.
- Remember that most women cannot climax from vaginal penetration alone. It generally takes physical connection as well as clitoral stimulation. If you were hoping to get her to cross the finish line through the “bump n’ grind,” it’s not a smart move.
4. Remember to laugh off stupid stuff
Contrary to what adult films may show, sex is not always wild, glamorous, and crazy. Even the greatest lovers in history had a lovemaking session that was awkward, silly, gross or just a dead-on-arrival type of moment.
No sex life is perfect, and even the hottest people on the planet will have moments where they don’t measure up to a person’s sexual desire. Whether we want to admit it or not, sex is gross. People can fart, body fluids are involved, and we all make it awkward.
Part of being a better lover is realizing that we’re all just human, for better or worse. If a fart comes out during a romantic encounter, it’s okay. Just laugh it off and keep going. A genuinely great lover can let things like that slide.
5. If you have a sexual dysfunction issue, confront it head-on
Around 80 percent of people have some sexual dysfunction. Sometimes, it’s erectile dysfunction brought on by diet or depression. Other times, it’s a matter of feeling disconnected from your sexuality or having hangups over how your body looks.
If you want to know the most direct way to become a better lover, it’s simple. You need to tackle the issues holding you back from having better sex–including the problems that you know you have.
What this looks like can differ from person to person. For some, it could mean a trip to a urologist for some bloodwork. For others, it could mean a trip to a sex therapist or a therapist who deals with sexual trauma. In some cases, it could mean confronting desires directly.
You cannot expect your partner to fix issues that you have about yourself. Married couples that can keep a sexual relationship healthy for decades know this.
Taking care of that sexual dysfunction can help you avoid stressing about sex. There’s something uniquely empowering about working to be the best version of yourself.
6. Study up on sex
Sex is so much more than P in V and light foreplay! The best way to become a better lover is to learn how to explore the different ways you can pleasure your partner. This includes these topics:
- Learn about how to use contraceptives properly. Did you know that condoms are only 98 percent effective when used correctly? In real life, condoms are only 85 percent effective. Using birth control will help your sexual relationship stay safe and reduce stress on your partner.
- Learn about consent. Consent is the best way to ensure your partner feels heard in the bedroom. Only “YES!” means yes, and that yes has to be enthusiastic.
- Read up on BDSM or take a sex class. Did you know that many sex toy shops now offer courses on how to use the products they carry? It’s true. Whether it is understanding how to use a vibrator, learning about anal play, or even learning how to use floggers, having that knowledge is a major perk. All great lovers take time to read up on the art of sex.
- Rethink what you learned about in porn. While porn is often the way men learn about sex, the truth is that what you see has little bearing on what a real, healthy sexual relationship looks like. The best sex out there is not what you see in porn. Porn is more about fantasy than reality on things.
Believe it or not, even sex workers still study how to deliver orgasms regularly. You can never go wrong by trying to learn more about sex techniques or how sexual pleasure can be maximized.
7. Remember that your sexual relationship is connected to an emotional connection
While having great sex with someone you don’t care about is possible, it’s not easy. Some people cannot even experience sexual arousal if they feel disconnected. In many cases, the mood and connection you have factors in so much that it matters more than the sex itself.
One of the things you have to do to keep a partner happy is to encourage intimacy. Intimacy is not the same thing as sex. It’s more about the connection and bonding you feel through shared activities, cuddling, snuggling, and cheerful banter.
Being intimate with a partner means that you can feel vulnerable around them and that you can feel a connection to them. This is why dates are an essential part of getting that level of intimacy. It’s not just about the sex. It’s what you do to nurture that desire.
If you want to see more confidence inside the bedroom, make sure you treat your lover well outside the bedroom too. Women are not just sexual objects. They are your partners, your lovers, and ideally, your friends. Seeing the whole person can make you respect and love them more.
8. Be enthusiastic
Did you ever try to have a conversation where the other person wasn’t paying attention to you? Or worse, did you ever try to chat up a person who seemed disgusted by you or just lukewarm to your existence? It’s terrible, and believe it or not; your partner can experience a similar feeling in the bedroom.
A good lover is one who is passionate about his love life and has a strong desire for real connection. Many women want to see more of that in the bedroom, from kissing her all over to the groans you make.
Relationships that don’t show much desire for one party don’t last very long. This is especially true for long-term relationships and sexual relationships. If you are not really attracted to the person you are with, you should reconsider your relationship with them.
Many men think they’ve lost attraction to their lover when, in reality, they are depressed. Before you walk away from your lover, ask yourself if you have lost your passion in other realms, like work or news. Do you feel down? These signs are widely recognized as symptoms of depression.
9. Remember that you have to be attractive
There’s good and bad news about learning to become a better lover.
The bad news is that you will have to be attractive to any woman you want to have a positive sexual experience with. Otherwise, she will feel awful during it and just want it to finish. This means you always have to work on yourself, which takes effort.
The good news is that you do not have to be perfect to be attractive. Attractive means that you are the best version of yourself. There are tons of ways to boost your attractiveness levels toward women, including:
- Eat well and work out. You don’t have to be fit in order to get a girl or a sex partner. Some women are into sex with men of all types. If you have natural chub, don’t sweat it too much. A good diet and exercise help bring out your best side and keep you healthy.
- Bathe. Before every sexual moment, try to ensure you don’t smell bad. Body odor is not supposed to be overpowering. At the very least, brush your teeth, wash your behind and genitalia, apply deodorant to your pits, and wash your feet.
- Choose clothes that fit you. You don’t have to be a man from the pages of Vogue, but you do have to choose clothes that don’t make you look like a potato.
- Cultivate a healthy attitude towards life and love. Nothing torpedos potential intimacy and relationships like a nasty attitude, and it can be hard to return from it. A bad mood is one that constantly blames women, assumes you’ll fail based on arbitrary choices, or gets openly defensive about changing. If you notice that you’re slipping into toxicity, it’s time to change your outlook before you search for sexual pleasure.
Ask a romantically successful friend you trust about what you could do to improve yourself and listen to them. It’s okay to ask a female friend for advice in this arena. Just be prepared–some of the things you may hear might be hard to swallow!
10, Keep a conversation going with your partner after sex, and between sexual moments
Every relationship will get better if you talk to one another about how you’re feeling and what you want to explore.
So, what does this look like? It’s simple. Try different things in the bedroom and then talk to your partner about how they enjoyed it.
Once in a while, try a new sexual technique and see how it turns out. If they seem game to do it again, or bring up a sex act they want to try, it’s a hit. If the act in question did do much for you or your partner in terms of sexual pleasure, it’s a miss.
On a similar note, it’s okay to take the lead and say that a certain act feels wrong or awkward to do. Being a good lover means that you won’t end up being the guy whose partner can sense a feeling of discomfort.
11. Watch for signs that you need to end a sex session early
This goes hand in hand with the rules of consent.
Lovemaking sessions should be enjoyable for both you and your partner. Unfortunately, women don’t always feel safe saying no to sex. This can lead to seriously damaging experiences. Part of being a good lover is avoiding this problem.
While they may engage with you if you’re horny and want to please you, it’s important to remember that consent isn’t just about saying yes.
If your partner seems disinterested at the moment, it may be time to hit the pause button or end the sex session altogether.
When does it make sense to end sex early? If you notice any of these behaviors, it’s best to stop sex ASAP:
- Your partner looks profoundly disinterested or is unenthusiastic. Does she look like she doesn’t want to be here? Is she expressing an exasperated or bored sigh while handling your member? If so, she doesn’t want to do this.
- She stopped responding and gave you a “deer in the headlights” stare. This is often a sign that a person has trauma due to a bad sexual experience. At this point, you need to stop having sex immediately and work on making sure your partner is emotionally okay.
- She tells you to stop. It doesn’t matter if you’re on the verge of orgasm. You and your partner have the right to revoke consent at any moment. If she says stop, you need to stop.
- It’s clear she’s not having fun or is hurt. For example, if she is crying, cease sex play immediately.
You cannot be a good lover if you force your partner to continue sex acts they don’t want to do. That’s the basics of consent. If you ignore consent, you’re a rapist–not a good lover.
12. Remember that being a great lover looks different to different people
Women are not a massive monolithic entity with a key set of likes and dislikes.
Some are amenable to wild sex at a nightclub, while others will insist on a gentle caress right before you have any sexual intimacy. Every woman has her own preferences, which becomes apparent with more partners.
If you want to be a better lover across the board, you can’t just assume that talking to one woman will get you all the guidance you need for every sexual relationship you are going to have. Each woman will want things done just a little differently.
This means that you need to ask for feedback with whoever you’re with at the time, whether it’s a girlfriend, a fling, or your wife. Once you get that feedback, adjust your sex game as you see fit.
It’s actually amazing how much insecurity can erode a person’s ability to be a great lover to their wife or girlfriend. Unfortunately, you cannot rely on your marriage or girlfriend to give you the self-esteem and confidence that you need in and outside the bedroom.
The truth is that getting that confidence you need to be a better lover is not easy. No one ever seems to tell you how to do it. As a man, you need to learn how to lean into your masculine side and lead your own way through life.
Partners pick up on confidence pretty quickly, but you still need that “how.” That’s where having a men’s coach can help you regain control of your life, learn how to explore your masculinity, and also boost your relationship wisdom.
Knowledge for Men is all about helping decent men do better in their love life, but it’s a program that’s not for everyone. It requires dedication and a true desire to be the best version of you that you can be.
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