“How can I attract women and improve my dating life?”
If you use random articles on Google as your source of truth, the answers seem to be pretty simple:
- Use open body language and command the room
- Show genuine interest
- Avoid bad body odor
- Play hard to get
- Have big muscles
- Update your dating app profile (preferably without shirtless bathroom selfies)
- Wear red
Voila, you’re Casanova reincarnated.
The challenge, however, is that attracting women in the real world isn’t so cut and dry.
Open body language is great, good genes don’t hurt, and deleting those shirtless bathroom pics will make you much more sexually desirable.
But none of these things are sufficient to attract – and, more importantly, keep – a high-quality woman in your life.
Luckily, after more than a decade as a men’s dating and relationship coach, I’ve discovered that there are proven principles and strategies any man can use to become more attractive to the opposite sex and achieve the dating life or long-term relationship of their dreams.
And that’s exactly what I’m going to share in this article.
Understanding the “Value Proposition” of Relationships to Date and Attract High-Quality Women
The first and most important fact you must accept about sexual attraction and human behavior is this:
All relationships are built upon a mutual exchange of value.
At first glance, this might seem like a callous statement that reduces one’s love to a simple transaction. But when examined objectively, its truth is obvious.
Regardless of the relationship – whether it’s platonic, romantic, or professional – all human interaction is dominated by the exchange of value.
Which is where many men get confused.
Because women tend to select mates who offer the highest level of value – just like most people choose the job that provides the highest level of value – men errantly assume that to attract their dream woman, they need to be well-connected billionaires with six-pack abs.
But the truth is more nuanced.
Understanding the True Definition of “Value”
This concept can be difficult to grasp because men have been conditioned to focus on a narrow definition of “value,” namely financial, aesthetic, and social value.
But one’s “value” is not determined by the contents of their bank account or the size of their biceps. These factors play a role (and anyone claiming otherwise is lying). But there are plenty of other actors on the stage.
Think about it in the context of your career.
Although the financial compensation of a specific job may influence your decision, it isn’t the only factor you consider.
Imagine if I offered you two different jobs. One pays $250,000 a year but requires you to work 80-hour weeks with people you hate doing work you hate even more. The other pays $150,000 yearly doing work you love with your best friends.
Which would you pick?
Most men would choose a lower-paying job.
Because though they make less money, the other types of value matter more.
The same thing is true when it comes to attracting women.
Although financial resources, good looks, and a high social status might be enough to have a few short-term flings, they are rarely sufficient to create a lasting and passionate romance.
The Multiple Forms of Value
Beyond the apparent sources already discussed, there is a myriad of ways that a man can provide value inside their relationships.
Being the source of positive emotions (humor, fun, confidence, and playfulness)
- Offering financial resources
- Shared beliefs and values (e.g., religious, political, moral, and social)
- Having social connections (e.g., opening the door to events, adventures, and people she couldn’t have accessed alone).
- Developing your sense of humor
- Acts of service (making her life easier by handling tasks she dislikes)
- Sexual satisfaction and intimacy
- Having a shared history together and having a deep sense of comfort
- Stimulating conversations and deep discussions
The list goes on.
What’s important to understand is that providing “value” goes well beyond the number of zeros on your tax return or the symmetry of your face. Although these things are essential to a degree – as we’ll discuss in just a moment – they aren’t the end all be all of attracting the opposite sex.
Every man reading this has a unique set of valuable skills and traits he can bring into any relationship. The key is first to uncover what they are and then develop them.
Become Rejection Proof By Understanding the Concept of “Value Variables”
Before diving into the high-level strategic path to creating the dating life you want, we must address one final concept.
Which is simply the fact that different people value different things.
While some women tend to value material security and status (think: cars, houses, and Louis bags), others value emotional security and stimulation (trusting their partner explicitly and feeling a deep sense of connection).
None of these values are ‘right’ or ‘wrong.’ But understanding this fact is essential for attracting women and any connection you desire.
The uncomfortable truth is this:
No man on the planet is capable of attracting every type of woman. Even if you’re Chris Hemsworth or Leonardo DiCaprio, some women will find you attractive, and others will find you repulsive.
And it’s ok!
Because your goal isn’t to be attractive to women as a whole. But rather to be attractive to the specific type of woman that you want to attract.
By following the steps I’m going to lay out in the rest of this article, you can achieve this goal faster and easier than you probably believe possible.
The Simple Path to Becoming a More Attractive Man and Dating the Women You Want
1. Establish Your Foundations
I have good news and bad news. Bad news first.
No matter what other men or women claim, if you want to attract and keep a high-quality woman in your life, you must establish a basic foundation of:
- Financial value
- Physical value
- Social value
Although this might seem contradictory to the concepts you just read, you’ll realize that it’s in full alignment when you dig a little bit deeper.
Consider the analogy I shared earlier about choosing between two jobs and changing just one variable.
Instead of choosing between a job at $250,000 and one at $150,000, imagine that you’re now choosing between a $250,000 job and a $25,000 job.
Would your decision change?
For most men, it would.
Because even though money isn’t everything – it still matters. And if you can’t afford the necessities, it doesn’t matter how much you enjoy your work or how much fulfillment your position brings.
The same thing is true when it comes to dating.
Even though you don’t need a 7-figure bank account or arms bigger than Dwayne Johnson’s, garnering the attraction of a high-quality woman requires that you at least have a foundation in the three pillars of “traditional value.”
It doesn’t matter how witty your sense of humor is or how emotionally intelligent you are. If you’re an unhealthy slob living in his mom’s basement whose only social interaction is with “friends” on Fortnite, most women won’t be interested.
As harsh and politically incorrect as it may sound, it’s the truth.
But here’s the good news.
Most men already have the foundations to attract higher quality women than they believe possible.
If you take decent care of your health, have a stable job earning enough money to live comfortably, and have a few friends that you spend time with regularly, you don’t need much more.
For those who are skeptical, consider celebrities like Emily Ratajkowski and Ariana Grande, who both dated or married average-looking men with unglamorous careers.
Ostensibly, these women could marry any man they wanted. Yet they chose “average” guys instead.
The reason is simple.
After the foundations have been laid, money and good looks matter much less than most men believe. It’s the “intangible value” that matters most.
So if you already have the basics handled, you’re good to go.
If you don’t? Then I invite you to commit to these journeys in your life today fully.
Get a gym membership and train at least three times a week. Develop marketable skills that allow you to earn a better living. Start working on your social skills and meeting new people.
For most men, a few months of concentrated effort is all it takes to build a foundation that will serve them for a lifetime.
2. Identify the Type of Partner You Want to Attract
Once your foundation is set, the next step is most often overlooked: to become crystal clear on the specific type of partner you’re trying to attract.
Most men treat their dating lives similar to the lottery. They swipe right, talk to strangers at the bar, and scour their friend group for any woman who seems interested, hoping that one day they’ll have a lucky break and stumble across their dream girl.
The problem is simple:
Without a clear picture of what you want from a relationship, you’ll never be able to get it.
Again, imagine you’re looking for a new job.
If you go onto the market and your only search criteria is, “Something that pays me money,” the odds of you finding your dream job are slim to none.
If you have a clear picture of what you’re looking for – e.g., A remote position as the Marketing Director for a men’s clothing brand that pays at least $100,000 a year – you’re beginning your search with an advantage over the competition.
It’s interesting to consider that most men have clear goals and ambitions for their body, career, finances, and lifestyle. Yet when it comes to relationships – what research shows to be the single most crucial factor in one’s quality of life – their only goal is to find “a good girl.”
So my invitation to you is simple.
Take some time today to get clarity on the type of woman you’re trying to find.
- What does she value?
- What hobbies does she have?
- Does she want a family?
- Does she want a “traditional” relationship or does she prioritize her career?
- What is her family like?
- What physical features are important to you?
- What type of personality does she have?
Once you have your list written out, the next question to consider is:
What are the most important traits I’m looking for in a partner?
Although some degree of compromise is inevitable, having a clear list of non-negotiables will give you the roadmap to finding and attracting your dream partner.
For example, if you know that you want an ambitious woman who also wants children and prioritizes her health and well-being – you probably shouldn’t begin your search at the local nightclub.
If, on the other hand, your dream partner is someone who wants to travel the world with you, going to the best parties and living it up in exotic locations, a high-end nightclub might be the perfect place to find her.
Again, there are no right or wrong answers here. Only what’s right or wrong for you.
3. Become the Type of Man Your Ideal Partner Would Be Attracted To
Once you’re clear on the type of woman you want in your life, the next question to consider is simple:
What behaviors, traits, and values is this type of woman attracted to?
More importantly, have you sufficiently developed these things so that you can appear more attractive to this type of woman?
The average guy will read this question and immediately object that they shouldn’t have to develop any new behaviors or traits.
A woman should love him for “who he is.”
This idea might make for a nice bumper sticker or social media post, but the reality is more nuanced.
You should never change the fundamental parts of who you are to appease a woman (this is an example of weak behavior that decreases attraction, as we’ll discuss in the next section). Developing more attractive traits doesn’t require changing who you are or what you value but rather how you show up.
For example, your ideal partner prioritizes health and fitness and is attracted to men who do the same.
If you’re only going to the gym once a month and go out to your local bar more often than the salad bar, it’s unlikely that the type of woman you want will notice you, much less date you.
And you need to accept this.
You attract into your life what you put out.
Suppose you’re showing up as a negative, unhealthy, depressed, unambitious man living a boring life. In that case, expecting yourself to be attractive to a positive, fit, ambitious, and exciting woman is unreasonable.
The action step here is simple.
In the same way that you (hopefully) wrote out a list of the important qualities you’re looking for in a woman and the non-negotiable traits you want in your ideal partner, I want you to do the same thing from her perspective.
What traits and behaviors would grab your attention and turn your head if you were in her shoes?
What would you be looking for from a man?
Once you have a list, score on each item from 1 – 10 and ask yourself, “How do I stack up?”
When you’re brutally honest, would you date yourself if you were in her position?
If the answer is “no,” that’s ok!
Consider it an invitation to embark on the journey of a lifetime and grow into the type of man you’ve always wanted to be.
Before moving on to the next section, there’s one final point to consider. Assuming you took the above exercise seriously, you should have a written list of traits with their respective scores. And you may notice that a few traits are at a level 7 or 8 out of 10, whereas others are much lower.
If this is the case, then I encourage you to focus 90% on the traits with the lowest scores.
For example, if you listed “Physical Fitness” as a 7/10 and “Adventure” as a 3/10, you don’t need to spend more time in the gym or follow some crazy diet. Your ideal partner will likely be more attracted to a man with a 7/10 sense of adventure and a 7/10 physique than she would a man with a perfectly chiseled body who spends his life in the gym or on the couch.
As in most areas of life, your level of attractiveness is only as strong as your weakest link.
It’s far more important to eliminate glaring weaknesses than to amplify existing strengths.
4. Eradicate the “Value Vampires” to Become More Attractive
Once you’ve identified all the ways you can become more valuable to your ideal partner, the next question to consider is perhaps the most important.
What are the traits and behaviors that would repulse my dream woman? Do I possess any of them?
Imagine going out tomorrow and meeting a woman who seems like your dream girl. She’s funny, fit, and engaging and shares your most important values and beliefs.
But, after the first date, you discover that she’s a pathological cheater or drug addict or that she hates puppies and loves country music (gasp!)
Would you still be attracted to her as a long-term partner?
If you have a foundational level of confidence and self-esteem, she would immediately go from your “dream person” to a “hell no.”
And the same thing is true for women.
What you do is important, but sometimes the things you don’t do make all the difference.
This is especially important to understand if you’re a man who has no trouble attracting women but struggles to maintain a long-term relationship.
Negative traits and behaviors are just as important as positive ones. And in the long run, destructive behaviors cause more damage than good ones can fix (e.g., going to the gym five days a week but smoking a pack of cigarettes daily).
Although it might seem simplistic, over the years, I’ve realized that 99% of attraction boils down to a simple equation:
The value you provide – The value you take = Your level of attractiveness
The value you provide is essential, but if you’re taking more value than you offer, she still loses.
Just like you can provide value in myriad ways, so can you take value.
A few examples of “value vampires” (or, put more simply – unattractive behavior) are:
- Addictions (to drugs, alcohol, porn, video games, etc.)
- Emotional instability (unmanaged depression or anxiety, fits of rage, an inability to commit)
- Dishonesty (lying, cheating, or hiding your emotions)
- Inconsistency (you’re in love one day and don’t return calls the next)
- Neediness, low self-esteem, and beta male behaviors (you need her to validate your worth as a man and prioritize her feelings above your own)
- Lack of purpose and drive (you make her the most important thing in your world and don’t have any goals or ambitions beyond making her happy)
- Jealousy and control (telling her she can’t talk to another guy, getting upset when she doesn’t return calls immediately, etc.)
- Lack of confidence (you aren’t able to hold eye contact, let alone hold your ground in an argument or stand up for yourself or her)
The question you must consider is simple:
Do I have any behaviors or traits that reduce my value or would be considered deal breakers by my ideal partner?
Am I willing to do something about them?
Like I said at the beginning of this article, all relationships are an exchange of value.
But it doesn’t matter how much value you offer if you demand even more.
It doesn’t matter if you are a jacked billionaire with a perfect body and a beautiful yacht. If you lie, cheat, and abuse your partner, this value matters very little in the long run because you take infinitely more than you give.
The simplest way to think about this equation is this:
Your partner’s life should be better because you’re in it.
You should be a source of peace and positive emotions in a chaotic and often negative world.
If you aren’t, consider this your wake-up call to make a change.
5. Create a Plan to Achieve Your Romantic Goals and Take Action
At this point, you should clearly understand the type of woman you’re attracted to and whom you want to attract.
You should know what she values, what repels her, and what traits you need to develop or eradicate to show up as the type of man she would be attracted to.
Now, the only thing left to do is to take what you’ve discovered and put it into action.
Again, putting this in writing and setting clear goals for your romantic life might feel uncomfortable or “weird.”
But it shouldn’t.
The person you choose to spend your life with is the single biggest decision you’ll ever make.
So why wouldn’t you take it as seriously as your career or body?
The first step is simple.
After answering all the questions posed so far, I want you to list the top three traits you want to develop – including the foundational traits, if relevant – and the top three traits you want to eliminate.
For each, commit to at least one clear action step and then schedule a specific time in your week when you will take that action.
If you want to develop confidence, you might commit to doing ONE thing that scares you this week (like signing up for an open mic, taking dancing lessons, or publishing a video on YouTube).
If you want to eliminate the trait of neediness, you might commit to going to therapy, hiring a coach, or simply saying “no” to a favor or invitation that you’d agree to make others like you.
The second step is to identify your “fishing holes.”
There’s an old saying: “The fishing is best where the fewest go.”
I’ve only been fishing once, but I call b.s.
Fishing is best wherever the fish are!
And the same thing is true in your dating life.
Once you’ve identified your dream woman, the next step is to figure out where she is and spend more time in those places!
This could mean going to more local music shows, signing up for early morning yoga classes, or going to local meetups where your ideal partner would likely be.
Pull out a pen and piece of paper right now and write down at least five places where you’d likely meet your ideal partner.
Commit the “Rule of Two”
What I’m about to share with you is simple.
But I can tell you from both personal experience and my experience coaching thousands of men over the last decade – it works.
I want you to commit to two in-person interactions with new women each week for the next six months. You can use dating apps if you want, but you must meet up with the women you’re talking to in person.
These interactions don’t have to date, but they should be entire conversations that could lead to dates if the chemistry is right.
This could mean introducing yourself to the cute girl at your Crossfit gym, getting over your fear, and sparking a conversation with a stranger on the street.
Whatever it looks like for you, put yourself out there – even if you don’t feel ready yet – and initiate the interactions.
Following this strategy for six months, you’ll have met more than 50 women. Even if only 20% of them are single and interested in going out with you, that’s ten dates with high-quality women who are likely to share your values and be aligned with the type of person you want in your life.
And if only 10% of the women you go out with match the type of woman you’re looking to attract?
Guess what – you’ve just found your dream partner!
The final step is to FULLY commit to the journey of creating your ideal dating life and get the support you need to do it.
If you’re reading this article, your dating life isn’t where you want it to be, and you’re ready to do something about it.
So consider this a gentle invitation to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!
The masses of men will read this article, nod their heads and then go back to living life the way they always have.
But the top 1% of men – who will get results – will take action.
Be a part of the 1%. Take action on what I’ve just shared. Follow through on the exercises and the strategy.
Don’t be like the average man who collects information but refuses to implement it. Be the man in the arena, take action, face failure, and ultimately taste triumph.
It doesn’t matter who you are, where you come from, or the reality of your life.
Every man on the planet has the potential to grow, evolve, and become the type of man women aren’t only attracted to but crave.
But the only way to make this happen is to put one foot in front of the other and act, dammit!
The good news is…. this is what we help men do day in and day out.
Over the past ten years, we’ve helped thousands of men from all over the planet grow into the strong, grounded man they always wanted to be and attract their dream partners due to their transformation.
And if you want our help, I invite you to learn more about our coaching program Project Grounded Man.
You’ll get access to world-class coaching and accountability, a private 12-month curriculum designed to transform your life from the inside out, and a brotherhood of like-minded men going on the same journeys as you are.
Most men who apply aren’t accepted. But if you’re committed to having an exceptional relationship and an exceptional life, then we’d love to help you do it.