For most men, there’s nothing more disheartening than the fruitless pursuit of women.
The uneasy approach, the uneven beat of your heart, the amused twinkle in her eyes as she turns—and at last, the dull ache in your chest as you make your way back to your seat, rejected once again.
It would be best to stop chasing women to build better relationships, and no, you don’t need to have Brad Pitt’s body or Tom Cruise’s charisma to attract beautiful, high-quality women.
The likelihood is that if you are chasing women, you’re doing more harm than good.
Throw all the cheesy bar-pickup videos out the window and the men’s fashion blogs insisting that you don’t dress right or you’re wearing the wrong cologne if you’re not finding the woman you want.
Today, we’re going to dig past the surface-level nonsense that the media has pushed in your face as the sole reason you don’t get women and delve into the root cause of the issue.
Today we’re going to focus on the stuff that most of the world likes to ignore: self-confidence, self-worth, and all the other things that make up a healthy man and healthy relationships.
Ask for the advice of any man who is “successful” with the most beautiful women, and I guarantee you will never once hear about what he wears or what pick-up lines he uses.
The world is urging men to do more when we need to do less in reality. When it comes to women, less is more. Once you stop chasing, she’ll start chasing you, and your love life will start looking a whole lot better.
The Chase—The Good Parts and The Bad Parts
Men have accepted specific gender dynamics that play a massive role in how men view the dating world, whether we like it or not.
The most important of these is that we are meant to chase, and women are to be pursued. While it would be foolish to throw out this concept altogether, I believe aspects of it need to be clarified, if not modified.
Most importantly, there is a difference between chasing and showing interest.
When most men approach a woman, they do so to make them look desperate. This puts your emotions at the mercy of the woman’s judgment and takes any control from your own hands.
You look like a stray dog begging for a few scraps of attention, ready to tuck your tail and back away at any sign of a raised hand. When you adopt this desperate demeanor, women lose all interest in you.
Stop viewing relationships as a chase.
Women want your attention just as much as you enjoy theirs. Why chase something that wants to be pursued?
Once you recognize your value, your interactions with women become opportunities for you to assess potential quality, just as they are chances to show your worth and value as a person.
This doesn’t mean you should stop approaching women. It just means that when you do so, you should view it as an interaction between two equals in search of a potential relationship rather than a chase.
Have a great pick-up line? Go try it.
While coming off as emotionally distant and disengaged is unattractive, coming off as a testosterone-fueled animal starving for female attention is worse.
The Big Question: Would I Date Myself?
So how do you do this? How do you become this calm, poised alpha male in the face of potential rejection?
It’s not easy. Despite what the pickup artists tell you, there is no clear-cut “follow these three steps to get the woman of your dreams” solution that I will lay at your feet today.
The answer lies in your view of yourself and your value understanding, which comes from establishing them. In other words, the key to lasting relationships with quality women lies in your confidence in yourself as a worthwhile and worthy person.
My advice is to stop chasing girls and start focusing on making yourself a more attractive, masculine man to them, which begins with making yourself attractive.
I’ve spoken with many men over my relationship coaching program who were fed up with their inability to attract high-quality women.
At the same time, they didn’t even consider themselves a high-value man in the first place. Before blaming others for your loneliness, ask yourself: would I date myself?
If the answer is no, then I’m afraid you’ve got some work to do!
Why Do Men Chase Women: 3 Of The Most Common Issues
After thousands and thousands of interviews with successful men in life and relationships, I have come to see self-confidence as the most significant issue facing modern men.
With masculinity under relentless siege from the hyper-feminine world and traditional gender roles under constant scrutiny, men are at a loss about how they are meant to behave.
True confidence has become mistaken for arrogance, and as a result, the modern man has done away with it altogether. It is better to play it safe than risk treading on the toes of a society that seems so eager for conflict.
We cannot let this be…
After thousands of interviews—thousands of conversations with lost men, tired of the confusion and self-doubt—I am convinced more than ever of the power of confidence and its necessity in the world today.
The following three are the most significant signs of low self-esteem and likely why you still find yourself chasing women.
1. You Constantly Compare Yourself to Others
The comparison is only natural in a world driven by power and image. Wealth, success, and fame are all relative things that can only be determined when compared to others.
The danger comes when you begin to base your happiness upon these comparisons. You look at another, see that they have more or are doing better, and conclude that you are failing and are therefore undeserving of happiness.
If this is you, let me warn you that it never gets any better.
Trust me; I’ve walked this road more times than I would admit. There will always be people who out-perform you, and therefore, you will always feel insufficient.
If you base your value on anything material or performance-oriented, your existence will be a fruitless quest for importance. You will get rich and powerful, but you will never find what you are looking for.
You’ll be a hollow husk of a man, living a life constructed by the judgments and criticism of society around you—an actor in a play directed by the expectations of your audience.
Scary. Comparison is necessary, but constant comparison is dangerous.
2. You Fear Failure More Than Anything
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” Wayne Gretzky
Our world’s bumper stickers and T-shirts are riddled with hundreds—maybe thousands of variations of the same mantra preaching the same message: you shouldn’t fear failure.
This is an idea drilled into our heads from our first breath.
But have you ever gone a layer deeper? Have you ever asked why we fear failure?
Beyond the obvious answer that we don’t want to mess up or we don’t want to look silly, why do you think we fear failure?
We fear failure because we are not secure in our value when you take away our performance. Humans subconsciously equate innate value with one’s ability to perform, so if you can’t perform, you question whether you’re sufficient as a human being.
A man who recognizes his importance and innate value as entirely unrelated to the number of zeros in his bank account, the number of plates he can bench, or whether or not a woman is interested in him is a confident man.
That is the difference between chasing a woman and showing interest in a woman.
A man who knows his worth approaches a woman as an equal, knowing that whether or not she likes him has no influence on his worth as a human. In contrast, a woman-chaser approaches a woman looking to win his worth by gaining her favor.
The relationship is not a game, but you’ll lose if you treat it like one.
3. You Can’t Ask For What You Want
Your security in your identity as a man is a house and the foundation on which it is built is your standards.
A man without standards is a house built on sand. No woman wants to be with a man whose foundation is built on sand, yet that is what so many men are offering today.
One of the most prominent signs of self-confidence issues is passivity, or the unwillingness to express what you truly want.
More often than not, this issue arises when you don’t know what you want because your wishes are mere reflections of what everyone else wants for you. You’re a people-pleaser on an eternal journey to avoid the displeasure of those around you.
And yet it’s not entirely your fault.
As I mentioned earlier, the modern man is in a challenging place today because so many of the ideals and values that have served as the building blocks of masculinity for so many years are being put on trial.
Men don’t know how to be men anymore because they fear overstepping their bounds.
Balancing confidence and assertiveness while staying far away from arrogance and aggressiveness will always be a difficulty we face, but we must not stray away from this challenge.
How To Stop Chasing Women and Gain Self-Confidence
Confidence is not and will never be something that you can buy or earn in a physical sense.
Buying a more excellent car or achieving your dream physique will not make you confident.
I’ve worked with CEOs who make more money in a year than most will in their lives, yet after all of their striving—after all of their late nights and constant sacrifice, they are the most drained, timid, and insecure people on the planet.
At the same time, I’ve worked with people with absolutely nothing who possess an insane amount of self-confidence and assuredness.
While this is the case, it has also become clear that high-quality men who attract high-quality women tend to have a few things in common.
1. Work on Self-love and Take Care of Your Body
Our ancestors never questioned the importance of physical health.
It was vital to their survival, so their attention to its maintenance was second-nature. Nowadays, it seems the role played by fitness and health is becoming ambiguous to many, seen as unnecessary and even vain.
Let’s set this straight.
Your physical health and wellness are related to your emotional well-being and your overall enjoyment of life as anything. Manliness––true masculinity––is power-contained. It is vision-directed. It is a fire wrestled into submission and directed towards a worthy purpose.
Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
We are biological beings whose lives’ feel best when our bodies are operating at a high level. If you want to win the eyes of the most attractive, quality woman on the market, having a body that reflects your care for yourself and your ability to care for her is paramount.
Women like driven men. Think of your body and your physical health as constant proof to women of the intentionality and drive with which you approach life.
Trust me; you won’t regret it!
2. Know What You Want Before Approaching a Woman
Know what you want in every aspect of your life.
Your standards are what set you apart from the rest. They differentiate world-shakers from those who are just along for the ride. Nowadays, it’s far too easy to go with the flow—to “smile and nod” your way into a stable, comfortable, even ‘successful’ relationship.
You meet a girl. She’s pretty. Nice. She likes you. You decide to go with it. Why not? That’s where so many stumble: they ask “why not?” instead of “why?”. They ask, “what’s the worst that could happen?” instead of “what’s the best?”.
Approach women with purpose and intention, and you’ll discover the difference between living your life and letting life happen to you. Know what you want and why you like it, or the world will choose for you.
When you approach an attractive woman, remember that you assess her just as much as she is assessing you. If she doesn’t live up to your standards, then move on.
3. Have Someone To Open Up To: Get A Mentor
One of the many dangers of this age of endless information is the dwindling necessity of human-to-human interaction. Think of what you are doing right now: you had a problem or a question, so you searched and found a proposed solution.
While this article may be helpful—even life-changing to you—it cannot and will never replace the value of one-on-one interaction with a someone who knows you and cares for you.
The importance of having someone who plays this role in your life is being overlooked nowadays.
People listen to Jordan Peterson, Sam Harris, or Joe Rogan for advice, and while their advice is undeniably valuable, you also need to have someone to speak with face to face.
For some, this may be a father or trusted friend, but most guys have no such figure in their life. Not everyone has the comfort or willingness to talk openly with a friend about such intimate topics as dating and sex.
Join our exclusive coaching program for men if you are looking to step forward confidently in your life or are simply tired of chasing after women or settling for someone who doesn’t fulfill you or live up to your standards.
We will walk you through our client orientation to give you more information about our program and our vision. Our team comprises a handful of coaches and experts who use our tried and tested methods to bring the most out of you and help you get the most out of your existence as a man on planet earth.
We believe in progress over anything else, so if you’re looking for someone to complain about your life to, please don’t waste our time—we aren’t just another shoulder to cry on.
How To Make Women Chase You Instead
So how do you do it? How do you go from chaser to being chased?
It’s every man’s dream: beautiful women all around, yearning for your attention, craving your approval–yet it seems only the small percent are able actually to live this dream. Why?
Women don’t chase because men don’t give them any room to pursue.
Give them that room. Give them a chance to chase.
Stop giving all the control to the woman and learn about the power of walking away. You have your life, your friends, and you don’t need a woman’s approval to make your world go round.
Focus on yourself and the betterment of your own life, and the women will follow.
Women can’t help but follow a man who has sorted his own life. There’s something so alluring to women (and people) about a man with direction.
A man with direction promises stability, purpose, and just a hint of mystery–that is exactly what women want.
The sniveling, squirming man that crawls up to a woman’s bar table, starving to have just a taste of female interaction, is what women despise.
Put this fool to bed, and the women will begin to chase.
The Result: How Your Relationships Improve When You Stop Chasing Girls
My goal is not to preach at you for a few paragraphs about how your self-confidence is low and why you need to stop talking to women. No, admonishment and regret is not my goal.
My goal is to inspire you to be a better man and hold higher standards for yourself. The world of quick hookups and social media culture has turned attractive women into a commodity that is only to be enjoyed by the men with the most zeros in their bank account, the biggest biceps, or the best fashion sense.
This is not only untrue but dangerous. If you view the world this way, the beautiful women you are pursuing will feel your lack of respect for them and stop conversation with you altogether. Any potential for a relationship will hit a dead end, and your love life will continue to suffer.
The truth is, we are social creatures who desire connection on an intimate level with like-minded people. You will be unstoppable once you understand this idea, stop viewing women as yet another of life’s prizes or a piece in a chess game, and focus on finding meaningful connections.
Whether you hope to find a serious partner in the “right person” or are just tired and wondering how other guys talk so easily to girls and what you are doing wrong in your dating life, we are eager to help.
Maybe you have never dated women and are looking to start attracting more women or have just suffered a break-up with a longtime girlfriend and feel hurt, lacking the confidence to set out in search of a new partner. It doesn’t matter the reason. We are here to help.
No more awkward conversations. No more self-doubt. No more long nights out and massive bar tabs.
Let’s stop chasing and build something meaningful.