Call them the Alpha, the boss, or the main character of the story…
Yes, a high-value man is the epitome of masculinity, leadership, charm, and sophistication. He is loved by women, revered by men, and moves gallantly through the challenges of life with courage and pride. You get the picture, right?
He’s the man who is making significant progress in every part of his life. Instead of being lost at sea, he’s the guy captaining a whole damn ship and conquering new land wherever he goes. Physically, he is well. Mentally, he is well. Financially, he is well. Spiritually, if he should be a believer, he is well.
Put simply, he’s the version of ourselves we all strive to be in our journal. When you were growing up, this was the archetypal man you looked up to—the one you sought to grow into.
So, are you working towards becoming the best version of yourself? Be really honest. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but the first step towards creating any meaningful change.
Reality check: Chances are, you’ve fallen victim to the comfort, easy pleasures and safe life that the masses of men succumb to and are not the high-value man you aspired to be. Not yet. Not by a long shot. Honestly, few men are and the first step toward becoming one is accepting the cold, hard truth. You’ve got some growing to do, and that’s all apart of the journey of life. It’s never too late to grow.
Traits of a High-Value Man That Separate Them From the Average
One of the biggest issues I get from guys is that they get stuck in their head and get overwhelmed by thoughts of “how do I be a high-value man?”. Ready to upgrade yourself? I’ve got you.
Here are the core characteristics that high value men have and—to get you moving—how to start cultivating each of them.
1. He adds more value than he takes
Adding value can come from a wide variety of sources such as your energy, personality, network, resources, knowledge, past life experiences and challenges overcome. High value men share more, low value men take.
At the core, the high value man is confident in himself enough to own his value and share from a place of abundance, whereas a low value man acts from a place of lacking, of scarcity, so he must take. The actions and behaviors of an abundant mind vs a scarce mind are widely different. Abundance is attractive, scarce is desperation and repulsive.
Men on this journey must accept that they do have real value to offer, stop hiding and start sharing more. You will be respected and valued by others when you embrace this more.
2. He is non needy and non approval seeking
Men who need others approval to feel valued are weak men because it stifles the man’s ability to own his personal power, speak his truth and get his own needs met. You cannot respect a man who is incapable of showing up for himself, therefore his value is decreased.
This is the typical nice guy behavior that reduces a man’s ability to be attractive and desired by others. Realize that you determine your value, you love yourself, you accept yourself first. Do not hand over your power to others who will only think less of you when you do.
The first step to turn this around is in showing up more. Show up to the tension and stop hiding. It’s when man suppresses his ability to show up that it trains the man to reduce his value in order to please others and avoid conflict. The more you can embrace the tension or some call it anxiety then the stronger you will be in owning your power.
3. He has life goals (and works towards them!)
Nobody likes an aimless man. There is nothing less attractive on the planet than a man who has no idea where he’s headed and numbs himself with materialism and superficial pleasures of society.
Setting and working towards life goals may sound like the ramblings of some mumbo-jumbo self-help guru… but it’s vital to being a high-value man.
The old question stands: Where do you see yourself in five years? Hell, where do you see yourself in 10 or even 20 years? Think bigger and use time to your advantage. There is no rush, it’s the journey that builds men.
If you haven’t got a clue, that’s a problem. It’s time to reach deep into your mind and figure out where you want to be in the future… then take action. Here’s a quick breakdown:
- Consider who you want to be
Who are you and who do you want to be?
Take a moment to think about what the best version of yourself looks like and how he is different from who you are today.
How does he talk? Who does he surround himself with? What does he eat? Where does he live? What does he wear? Be as specific as you can.
- Pinpoint where you want to be
Next up, let’s talk about where you want to be. Where do you want to be in your relationship? Where do you want to be in your career? Where do you want to be physically, i.e. where do you want to actually live? You get a general idea.
- Outline your long-term goals
Now that you’ve got an idea of where you see yourself, keep going. Think about your long-term goals. You might want to be earning a six-figure or even 7 figure income, be in peak shape, and have a long-term relationship with a high quality more aligned partner. Set some targets that excite you for the road ahead.
- Break down your short-term goals
Look, you’re not going to wake up tomorrow with the perfect body, a boost in income, and a high quality partner. Sorry to break it to you.
Instead, you need to create shorter more manageable goals that will naturally lead you to your end goals. For example, if you want to increase your income, your short-term goals may be to work toward a promotion, look at passive income streams, and improving your skills and professional network.
Let’s hop on a call and I can share how my coaching program helps with the process of deconstructing small habits to rebuild ourselves stronger and more resilient than ever before.
4. He never chases—he attracts
I’m not talking about The Secret or manifesting your way to success and happiness. No, we can leave that BS right at the door. Bye.
A high-value man doesn’t chase things—he works hard to attract the things he wants in life by becoming the type of man who deserves those things. That goes for partners, career opportunities, and everything else in between. Becoming the best version of yourself means that it will make sense for those things you want to come into your life.
If you want someone special, you must become someone special.
If you want a higher income, you must have high income skills.
If you want a healthy and fit body, you must develop the habits and routines of a healthy man.
Good things come to those who do the work and become deserving of those things.
5. He is assertive and not aggressive
Let’s presume you don’t want to be a pushover or people-pleaser. It’s a very emasculating trait to let the world walk all over you and say “thank you” or “sorry” in the process.
You owe it to yourself to speak up and advocate for your own wants and needs. However, a high-value man knows the difference between being assertive like a grounded man and being aggressive like a whiny boy.
Unless you want to get tarnished with that old ‘toxic masculinity’ brush, you need to learn the difference. Here’s what you need to know:
When you act out of aggression, you attack and you’re confrontational. High pressure, manipulation and coercion are common place. The person feels trapped and that any further action on their part will only exacerbate your aggression so they may cave, but not be happy about it. You might be overly forceful in your ideas and make the other person feel uncomfortable. Of course, in extreme cases, you might even be violent, rude, or obnoxious.
Assertiveness is about having confidence in your own beliefs, values and thoughts. It means stating directly how you feel, what you want, or what you believe. You’re not here for a fight. No, you are self-assured enough to stand up for yourself without having to be forceful. It’s the respectful thing to do.
It may seem as though you are pushing people away but it’s very attractive to others and a requirement to earn their respect when you own your power and boundaries.
6. He is emotionally intelligent
An emotionally intelligent man is primed for success and is a key component to any relationship success. Why? Developing this characteristic means you can better understand those around you and—in turn—how they act.
So, have you got what it takes? According to the Institute for Health and Human Potential, emotional intelligence is defined by two key things:
- The ability to recognize, understand and manage our own emotions
- The ability to recognize, understand and influence the emotions of others
If that doesn’t sound like you; if you’re constantly confused about your own emotions and other people’s emotions, you should be aware of this and start working on this.
While you can’t become emotionally intelligent instantly, take the time to pay attention to your feelings and the feelings of others. What triggers them? What makes you sad, happy, stressed, or angry? And, in those cases, are your emotions actually valid? Equally, you can start to notice other people’s emotional triggers and how your actions impact them. It’s an ongoing process.
Slow down in your conversations. Allow others to share their feelings and what matters to them. Try to understand their point of view and perspective and create a safe space where they feel they can share openly and honestly with you. I can’t tell you how important this is for romantic relationships.
Many times women are sharing what they want, but men are quick to work to a solution and fix the problem when right now, the man needs to meet the woman where she is at and focus his time and energy understanding the why behind what she’s saying and how it makes her feel.
Most relationships end because emotional attraction and connection has fallen so low their is no motivation to “work” on the relationship anymore. Ignoring emotional intelligence will only leads to pain in the future.
7. He takes care of himself physically, is responsible and disciplined
While you don’t have to be a total meathead to look after yourself physically. You only get one body so you owe it to yourself to take care of it.
The CDC says that the benefits of physical health include better thinking, learning, and judgment skills. It leads to a lower risk of depression, anxiety, and sleep problems. Of course, it doesn’t end there. You will also be in a better shape, feel more energetic, be happier, and be able to take on whatever the world has to throw at you.
It’s a no-brainer…
The gym is not for everyone. You might hate the blood, sweat, and tears of your local sports center. That’s fine. Find a fitness regime that suits you and your lifestyle. It might mean jogging to work, martial arts, joining a team, or taking up cycling. The choice is yours.
8. He knows how to operate and last in bed
There are four words no man wants to hear: “Oh, are you done?”
Women want great sex that makes them scream with pleasure. If you’re falling short, you might find that your love life takes a real nose-dive. Premature ejaculation is no joke. It happens to the best of us but, luckily, there are ways to beat it.
Take a look at our guide on how to last longer in bed for some simple starting points. Because let’s face it, you deserve a satisfying sex life… and so does your partner.
Pay attention to your partners needs, slow down, don’t make sex all about you, the more you give sexually, the more she’ll happily reciprocate. It’s the man’s job to lead the way and not wait for her.
9. He has a growth mindset
‘Growth mindset’ has become a real buzzphrase over the last few years. So, what is it and why does a high-value man need one?
The concept was originally outlined by psychologist Carol Dweck in her book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. The idea is that we tend to have one of two mindsets—fixed or growth. Here’s what Dweck says:
- Fixed mindset
“In a fixed mindset, people believe their basic qualities, like their intelligence or talent, are simply fixed traits. They spend their time documenting their intelligence or talent instead of developing them. They also believe that talent alone creates success—without effort.”
- Growth mindset
“In a growth mindset, people believe that their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work—brains and talent are just the starting point. This view creates a love of learning and a resilience that is essential for great accomplishment.”
Most men don’t have growth mindsets. Not naturally, anyway.
You might have been raised to believe that your traits are permanent and there’s no way to change them. That is wrong. Knowing that you can—and should—work on yourself is the right perspective.
You not where you want to be “yet”. That is the keyword. It’s not forever, it’s a process, a journey that you progress on.
10. He has high self-esteem and a strong belief system
You don’t have to be Don Draper to have confidence in yourself. High self-esteem has been linked to better physical health and potentially happiness.
Of course, unless you were born with the unyielding belief that you’re awesome , you might need to work on your confidence.
Fact is, you are always weaving a story about yourself. The thoughts you have about yourself—whether it’s your looks, your intelligence, or your desirability—all impact your overall self-esteem.
To lift a memorable quote from Mad Men: “If you don’t like what’s being said, change the conversation.”
Start telling yourself a positive story instead. When you believe that you’re attractive, healthy, and happy, you will start to feel all of the above too. Whenever you catch yourself being negative, stop and think. Is that really how you want to speak to yourself? Is this a disempowering or empowering thought.
Your thoughts matter and dictate your language and how you show up in the world.
11. He has a good sense of humor
It’s a cliche for a reason. Women love men with a good sense of humor. You can have fun, be playful and witty at times. Being an overly serious goal seeker often pushes people away that you are hoping to attract. People care more about how you make them feel, not how much you make, what you drive or bench.
Nobody wants to spend their time around someone who takes life too seriously. Sure, it pays to be driven and care about the things that matter.
But if you’re the kind of man who gets stressed and down in the dumps about every minor inconvenience and falls into a negative victim mentality, it’s time to snap out of it.
While some men are naturally hilarious, the rest of us mere mortals have to work to see the lighter side of life. Maybe your parents were pessimists. Maybe you had a tough upbringing. Maybe, just maybe, life has beaten you down so hard that you struggle to crack a smile, let alone muster the energy for a full-on belly laugh. Okay, it happens.
However, you can always change your perspective.
Working on having a lighter and more jovial outlook on life could improve all aspects of your lifestyle. You don’t have to be the life and soul of the party, but cheering TF up now and then and blowing off steam is essential for human connection.
12. He has a secure attachment style
You’ve likely heard of attachment styles before now. Most of the time, we talk about how you relate to a partner but your attachment style could affect other areas of your life too.
The simplest way to explain this is that we all have a set attachment style that is based on our upbringing from our parents and caregivers. However, once you identify yours, you can work to change it. According to Simple Psychology, here are the three most common attachment styles for adults:
- Secure attachment
Men with secure attachment styles tend to be open, loving, and trusting of their partners. These lucky individuals are able to easily support their partners through the ups and downs of a relationship, regardless of their shortcomings or problems.
It should hardly come as a surprise that men with a secure attachment style tend to have longer-lasting relationships and had better relationships with their parents as a child.
- Avoidant attachment
Emotional highs and lows, a fear of intimacy, and jealous outbursts—these are the troubling characteristics of men with an avoidant attachment style. If you find it hard to trust a partner or stay in a long-term relationship, you might be plagued with this style.
Often enough, men who have an avoidant attachment style grew up with a cold or unloving mother. You may have felt rejected as a child or even unwanted by your family.
- Ambivalent attachment
Are you always chasing your dream relationship? Men with ambivalent attachment styles tend to be obsessed with romantic relationships, experience emotional highs and lows, and be prone to extreme sexual attraction and jealousy. It’s a recipe for disaster.
Much like men with avoidant attachment styles, these guys tend to have been raised in a particularly cold environment. You might have dismissive parents, for example.
It’s not all doom and gloom. If you happen to be ambivalent or avoidant, you can work to change your attachment style. Working with a therapist is the first port of call here to identify your attachment style. You might want to reach out to a professional and get their insights on how to grow in this area of life.
Become a High-Value Man
High-value men aren’t born—they are created.
Luckily, you have the opportunity to sculpt yourself into the man you were always meant to be. We all have parts of ourselves that could be better. We all have to start somewhere. Putting in the hours when it comes to self-improvement will never be a waste of time. It’s the best investment you can ever make.
If you’d like to avoid mistakes most men make when trying to be a high-value man and get no-nonsense coaching, training, and group accountability, then I’d like to invite you to apply for our premier coaching program for men. You’ll be able to improve your life and relationships with a team of expert men’s coaches.