“If you don’t ask; the answer will always be no” – Nora Roberts
It can take serious courage to ask someone out on a date. You are literally putting yourself out there risking your ego and emotions for love.
But what if you’re past that part, and you’ve already asked someone out, but now you need to confirm the details? How do you go about it without sounding “desperate”?
The fact is that no man wants to sound needy or “too keen” as that’s pretty much a turn-off for everyone.
But at the same time, you want to know if a potential date is actually happening, the time, the place, and every other small detail so you can be prepared, actually show up, and woo your potential partner.
If you want to know how you can confirm a date with someone, but still come off as casual and relaxed about it, I have some major tips for you.
The Importance of Confidence in Dating
Dating and romantic scenarios can leave us feeling a little vulnerable, and it’s perfectly natural to second guess yourself, and even feel a little insecure.
It’s a situation where we are opening ourselves up for a big potential high; or a big potential low.
After all, there is always the possibility that we might get rejected or let down by the person that we want to take out on a date, so naturally, our ego becomes a little more sensitive, which can leave us feeling self-conscious or unsure.
And what is kind of paradoxical, is the fact that the very thing that we need to help give us the courage to ask someone out, and follow through with confirming a date, is the very thing that can allude to us, just when we need it most; and that’s confidence.
Having confidence when dating is not only important; it’s essential, especially in the early stages, as you’re basically trying to convince someone else that you’re a good option, so if you don’t believe in yourself, why should they?
Many guys struggle with feeling confident enough to ask out the woman that they really want, or follow through with plans and confirm a date.
At least if you ask, then you’ve got a 50% chance of a yes, instead of a 100% no.
The truth is that we only get this one life. This. Is. It. No trial runs and no do-overs, so why not make your life the best that it can possibly be?
And part of having a great life can involve having a great partner by your side, but in order for that to happen, you first need to have the confidence and the courage to pursue the woman that you really want.
The only way to make stuff happen in life is literally to make it happen; all you have to do is take action towards the thing that you want.
All too often we let fears and limiting beliefs hold us back from choices that could really elevate our lives, but this doesn’t have to be the case.
If you want to know how to be more confident with dating and relationships, we’re here to help. We’ve helped thousands of men increase confidence in life, dating, and relationships, to become the best version of themselves and truly transform their lives. Apply now!
Hope for the Best, and Plan for the Worst: So What!
There’s a little trick in Psychology that therapists use to help clients overcome fear and anxiety and it is so simple, yet very effective. It’s called “so what” and it goes like this:
Think about something that you want to do, but that fear is holding you back. Let’s take asking someone out or confirming a date for this example.
I want you to think to yourself about the worst-case scenarios that could happen in this situation.
Let’s say that you are afraid in case:
- She says no.
- She laughs in your face when you ask her out.
- You stutter and forget what you’re saying halfway through asking her out.
- When you try to confirm a planned date, she has changed her mind and declines.
Ok, so these are some hypothetical, worst-case scenarios that might run through your mind before asking someone out or when confirming a date.
Now, what I want you to do is look at each one and imagine the consequences if that actually happened, and prepare what you might do or say for each scenario.
Then say to yourself “SO WHAT!”
If she says no, you could think something along the lines of – “at least I asked and now I know, so I won’t be wondering my whole life “what if?” or have any regrets about potentially missing out on an opportunity because of fear.
Plus, people ask each other out every day, some say yes and some say no “So What!”.
If she laughs at me, I’ll just laugh too and make a joke out of it and maybe bring it up again another time, no big deal “So What!”.
If I fluff my lines and stutter SO WHAT, it’s completely natural to get nervous when asking someone out that you’re really attracted to, and she’ll probably think it’s cute anyway.
If she changes her mind and declines a date we had already planned, I’ll just say “no worries, let me know next time you’re free sure” – “So What!”
When you allow yourself to consider the consequences of the worst that could happen, it allows you to confront that possibility, plan for what you’d say or do if it did happen, and also realize that it’s actually not that bad.
The sky won’t fall, and nobody died, it’s all good.
Now that you’ve considered what could go wrong, and planned for it, you can relax and focus on what could go right!
This simple little exercise is an example of catastrophe planning, and it can help to settle down dating anxiety and allow you to feel more confident because now you’re prepared for all eventualities – you just need to think about what you’ll do if she says yes!
Tips for Confirming a Date Without Sounding Desperate
Once the hard part is over, and you have asked someone out on a date, you need to follow through and confirm plans to actually make it happen.
At this stage, it’s natural to feel excited and lock down all the finer details like where, when, times, and details.
But before you go leaving missed calls and multiple text messages, let me give you a steer.
You have the power to confirm all of these details, and still come out looking chilled, relaxed, and easy-going about the whole thing, with not a hint of desperation.
You just have to follow these basic rules.
Rule No.1: Don’t Over Communicate About It
“What the scarcity principle says is that people are more attracted to those options or opportunities that are rare, unique or dwindling in availability” – Dr. Cialdini
It’s important to keep how many times you mention or ask about the date, to a minimum. This stops you from looking extra keen, needy, or desperate.
If you are engaging in natural conversation in between when you’ve asked the person out, and the actual day of the date; then that is totally fine.
It’s ok to carry on communicating and speaking as you normally would; it’s just not ok to keep asking repeatedly if they are “still going on the date”, in a broken record kind of way.
So why is it best to avoid coming across as “too keen” and why is it considered a turn-off by most people? The answer lies in something called The Scarcity Principle.
This principle really has its basis in evolutionary psychology, but not to get too scientific, what it really means is that as humans we have evolved to be more attracted to resources (and people), that appear to be in short supply.
This is because our hunter-gatherer ancestors had to direct their attention and energy towards resources that were harder to come by, so if something was available in abundance, then we learned not to pay it much attention, because we knew it was available, and therefore no extra effort was needed to secure it.
The thing is that this theory also transfers across to our relationships with people, so if someone is constantly calling and texting us, asking to meet and inviting us out every day of the week; guess what, our brain sees that they are available to us in abundance, and, therefore, we feel less attracted to them.
So this is the explanation behind why it’s not a good idea to contact someone too much, when we are trying to confirm a date, and why it can come across as a turnoff.
But don’t worry, because just as The Scarcity Principle tells us about what behavior can be seen as unattractive; it also tells us about what behavior can be seen as attractive.
And in this case, that’s keeping our communication about a potential date to a minimum. We want to aim for only asking for confirmation once or twice, but no more than that generally.
Rule No.2: Using humor can be attractive
Now this one can feel a bit tricky, you may find yourself in the situation where you have asked someone out on what you think is a romantic date, only to be left wondering whether they think it’s just “friendly drinks”, for example.
In this situation, text messages are your best friend. And I have the perfect example of what you can text a woman that will help you to clarify the situation, both for yourself; and for her.
You want to send a brief, subtle text with a light-hearted, humorous tone, something like this:
- “Hey.. excited about our date tomorrow night, is 7 pm still ok for you? Honestly, I thought you’d never get round to asking me out.. lol ;)”
This text is short, sweet, and funny; but still gets the message across that it’s a date, while also allowing you to confirm if the day and time still work for her; and the winking emoji at the end also adds in some subtle flirting, keeping it light.
Rule No.3: Timeframe – don’t rush to send a confirmation text
Plans can change at the drop of a hat, and we all know how busy life can be, so it’s usually better to hold off asking for confirmation of the date until either the day before or the morning of the supposed date.
For example, let’s say that you’re confident that the woman you are taking out knows this is a romantic date, but you just want to confirm if she still wants to go and that the agreed time to meet still suits her.
You could send something like this:
- “Hi, just checking if 7 pm still works for you tomorrow night? are you ok to meet at the restaurant, or do you want me to pick you up?”
- “Hey, I’m really looking forward to the movie tonight, is 8 pm show still ok for you?”
Again, these texts are short, but to the point and they show that you are being considerate of your date by checking if she needs a ride and if the time still works ok for her.
This gives your date options; it allows her to let you know if an earlier or later time would suit her better, and also lets you know if she’s coming and at what time.
Rule No.4: What to do if your date cancels
Ok, so let’s say that you’ve followed the rules, you haven’t overly communicated, and you’ve acted chilled and relaxed by sending a short, humorous text to confirm only for her to cancel on you.
This can feel like a major “buzz kill” moment, but it’s not necessarily so. If we pay attention to how she cancels, this can tell us whether this is a sign that she’s “not into us”, or simply has a clash on her schedule.
If, however, a woman cancels on you but seems keen to avoid rescheduling, this can be a sign that “she isn’t feeling your vibe”. And as much of a let-down as that can feel like, do you really want to go on a date with someone who’s not “feeling your vibe” anyway? I think not.
The good thing is, if you never asked, the answer would have always been no, so either way, now you do know.
The best response in this scenario is to see if she’s keen to reschedule and if not, say something like: “Ok no worries, I know what it’s like, my schedule is hectic too, I’ll catch up with you soon.”
This keeps your response brief, shows understanding, and crucially puts the ball back in her court, so if she decides that she does want to reschedule, you’ve left the door open and she can reach out to you.
The saying “nothing ventured, nothing gained” really is true if we don’t put ourselves out there and go after our goals. Otherwise, we stay stuck with the status quo.
You have the power to change your reality, find beautiful women, and make the most out of your life. All it takes is some self-belief, confidence, and most importantly, action.
Hopefully, now you feel a bit better equipped to confirm a date without coming across as too keen or desperate.
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