In the world of dating, there are few things that are as challenging as approaching a woman you’re into. Everyone says that you should “just get out there,” but they never tell you how.
Sure, anyone can go to a bar or add Tinder to their app list, but the art of flirting is hard to learn.
The biggest problem with flirting is the fact that there are all these unwritten rules you’re just magically “supposed” to know. If you don’t know the “rules,” then you might be considered a creep—or worse, end up getting humiliated.
So, how do you even start showing interest in a girl? The truth is that showing interest isn’t cut and dry.
There are many different ways to show interest, including striking up a conversation and actually learning about the girl in question.
Generally speaking, there are a couple of major steps that you should do in order to show interest without being creepy or predatory about it.
The most important thing to remember is that you need to channel that inner masculinity you have. You don’t have to be Fabio in order to sweep a girl off her feet. You just have to show her that you are charming, safe, and empathic.
1. Before you begin, keep an eye out for indicators of interest
A girl who is interested in getting to know you better will show interest, too. She’ll talk to you, she may ask questions, and if she’s really feeling it, she’ll also start to get touchy with you.
Girls who are interested will smile, laugh, and make eye contact.
If a girl is just checking you out, she’ll make a point of looking at you. Does she keep looking at you from across the room?
When you make a joke around your group of friends, does she look at you when she’s laughing? She’s probably a little interested at this point.
2. Start by approaching her with a simple conversation starter
Being a man who’s ready to flirt means that you need to take action. This means that you are going to have to make the first move.
The key is not to jump in head-first and ask for a phone number before you even know who she is.
Most of us know how to strike up a conversation, but it’s always good to have one or two “openers” if you’re shy. Most people should have three: a compliment, a question, and a story.
a. Compliments can work well in a pinch.
Contrary to popular belief, complimenting a girl does work. However, it is all in the delivery. You don’t want to be too direct about her looks.
If you choose to compliment her, don’t compliment her looks or her body. Rather, compliment her drink choice or the outfit she chose. Compliments towards a girl’s body can be taken as aggressive while complimenting her choices or taste show you appreciate her ideas.
b. A question is a good way to get her talking about herself.
Here, you want to listen more than you talk. The question can be anything from her favorite DJ spinning to some questions about where the nearest subway station is. The idea is that you want to have something to discuss.
The questions you ask should not be “yes/no” questions, but rather, something that’s easy to expand upon. For example, a good question to ask would be, “Hey, you seem like you’re a regular here. Which drink is the best to order?”
c. If something crazy just happened, it may be a good idea to ask her if she saw what occurred.
If not, give her the juicy scoop. People who live in a major city can usually start talking about the big car crash that occurred, or from seeing that one crazy lady whose outfit matched her poodles.
More often than not, the key to this move is to engage with her and tell her something that gets her curious. You want to pique her interest.
If she doesn’t seem interested in the story, it’s best to drop it.
3. If she continues the conversation, introduce yourself
Now that you’ve both started to carry on a conversation, it’s a good idea to figure out what her name is. Let her know you enjoy the conversation, then just say who you are.
Ask her what her name is. Tada! You’ve made a connection.
When you first learn her name, make a point of trying to remember it. Nothing kills a buzz like forgetting the name of the girl in who you’re interested.
If you have a hard time pronouncing her name, use a nickname.
4. Ask yourself if you’re into her
Before you tell a girl you’re attracted to her, hit the pause button.
Attraction isn’t just interest in her body—and trust me, we’ve all met girls who were drop-dead gorgeous but were absolutely horrible human beings.
While they may look pretty, they can lead to a pretty terrible outcome easily enough.
Believe it or not, you should take a moment to determine whether you’re attracted to her personality as well as her body.
Do you feel like you can trust her? Does she make you think? Do you feel calm around her? If so, she might be someone worth a long-term relationship with.
5. Be honest about your attraction to her
Counterintuitive as it may be, most women are totally okay with men who choose to take a direct approach to date.
That’s what masculine energy is all about—leading, guiding the conversation forward, and a little bit of that “wooing” energy that brings a whirlwind element to romance.
You don’t have to make a giant, flowery speech about how her eyes are the moon and stars. Simply saying, “I’m attracted to you,” or “Hey, I’d love to get your number, is usually the easiest way to put yourself out there.
6. Gauge her reaction
If she’s into you and enjoying your company, you might be able to snag a number.
However, not all girls are going to be ready to give a man their phone number or Instagram that easily. From here, it’s important to be careful not to get too pushy.
If she’s still talking to you but tells you that she’ll give you her number later, the best thing you can do is drop the subject.
You will probably be able to see her at the same place again soon enough, and she’ll broach the subject herself.
7. Watch out for signs that you may have made her uncomfortable
While being direct is great, being pushy isn’t. Contrary to what they explain in rom-coms, being relentless in your pursuit of a girl is not attractive.
Girls get scared when you start pushing them and breaking the boundaries they set up. This can lead to serious problems—legally and sexually.
If the girl seems to be looking away from you worriedly, has body language that seems unusually stiff, is laughing and backing away, or won’t really answer you in more than one word, she is not happy. In fact, these signs suggest that she’s scared. It’s time to back away.
The number one tip that you want to remember is that you should never try to force attraction.
Most men don’t realize the difference between being assertive and aggressive in the world of flirting.
Assertive is telling a girl that you find her very attractive and that you might want to get to know her better. Being aggressive is not letting up and repeatedly bringing it up after she brushes it off.
Being assertive gets phone numbers. It shows that you are a strong, confident go-getter.
Women love that kind of energy, and it also lets them know where they stand. Aggressive behavior pushes people away and makes you appear insecure—even if you aren’t actually insecure.
By simply stating what you want and letting her reply, you’re leaving the ball in her hands. If she doesn’t pick up on it, it’s better to just walk away from the situation.
Going overboard is the cardinal sin of showing interest.
Imagine seeing a gorgeous girl who posed in Playboy. Now, imagine her ugly-crying, wailing, begging for someone, anyone to show her a modicum of attention.
She wouldn’t be as attractive that way, would she? The same can be said for begging for love from girls. It has the same effect.
It’s important to recognize that there is a fine line between being direct and begging for their interest. You should never beg or try to argue with a girl who’s lukewarm to you.
It will convince her that you are either desperate or not mentally well. Neither is a good look.
Women want to see that they are not going to have a guy that will have an emotional breakdown if they’re rejected. Desperate men tend to be abusive or even stalker-like in their behavior. As a result, it’s one of the fastest ways to make women run the other way from you.
Quiet dignity and knowing when you’re being too pushy are attractive. So, even if you feel the urge to play “Pick Me,” don’t do it. It will only backfire.
It may sound like bunk, but it’s important to attract rather than try to win others over.
Being attractive to women means that you are going to have to learn how to channel your masculinity in a way that works with your personality. This isn’t always an easy task, and in truth, it’s not something that you can always learn through the use of online reading.
At the end of the day, flirting is a give and take. It’s not just about making your interest known. It’s about taking time to “sniff out” the girl and make sure that you’re making a good choice and also being smart about your communication.
Sometimes, you might need a little bit of help.
There is something uniquely soul-crushing about the way modern dating can be towards men. You have great intentions, but how they can be interpreted can be very different from what you’re hoping for. It’s not okay to be left hurting for a relationship you know you’d be great in. It’s time to ask someone who’s a men’s coach to help.
Being a man today is not easy. There are so many expectations, and so few people willing to let you learn from them. We all need a little help and guidance from time to time—and when it comes to matters of attraction, it’s often best to get a male mentor who gets it.
If you haven’t already, check out our exclusive coaching program and learn how to be the powerful and attractive man you’ve always wanted to be.