In a perfect world, you’d never experience insecurity in a relationship. You’d find the right woman for you, click, and build a future together. This is not a perfect world.
Experiencing relationship insecurity is human. It happens to all too many men. I am not proud to admit it, but I have also felt insecure in past relationships. The anxiety-inducing idea that things might not work out has held me back and destroyed the connection.
It’s your classic Catch-22 scenario: The more insecure you are, the more likely you will screw up the relationship. Your insecure nature makes you question everything.
The first thing I want you to take in and understand is that you are not alone. Being insecure may feel like a weakness, but it’s more common than you think.
A massive 60% of men feel insecure when dating, fearing rejection being their top trigger.
Nobody talks about how complex the modern world of dating is. In recent years, the landscape has changed dramatically, only increasing men’s anxiety levels.
What Causes Relationship Insecurity?
The first thing we need to delve into here is what causes relationship insecurity. What is it that drives men to worry about their relationship?
While there’s no one conclusive answer to draw upon, I’ve uncovered some intriguing insights during my career as a relationship coach.
1. Low Self-Esteem or a Lack of Confidence
Without a doubt, the top reason that too many men feel insecure in their relationship is a lack of confidence. When you have a poor self-image, that will translate to every area of your life — not least your relationship.
Essentially, when you’re not confident in yourself — in your appearance, work, or personality — it’s hard to form a lasting connection with someone. You believe that you have nothing of value to bring to the table. Why would she think any differently?
Contrary to popular belief, even the most attractive and successful guys can struggle with low self-esteem. I’ve seen this happen all too many times with seemingly high-quality men.
If you’re suffering from a lack of confidence, it will have a knock-on effect.
2. Trauma from Past Romantic Relationships
We all have pasts. You might have gone through a messy or painful breakup. Your ex-girlfriend may have cheated on you. She may have left you for someone new.
Ignoring this emotional baggage is a real mistake. It might be the root cause of your insecurities.
The end of any relationship hurts. Popular media will have you believe that women are the victims here — that they have to spend weeks in bed, crying, and eating ice cream. That may or may not be valid. But let’s not overlook the science-backed facts surrounding breakups.
According to research from the University of Lancaster, men experience more emotional pain than women in breakups. Experts suggest that the reason is that men invest more heavily in relationships than women. When things come to an end, it can be devastating.
You might want to leave that at the door when you enter a new relationship, but it’s more complicated than you think. I’ve been there.
Trusting that your new partner is worth the time and energy can be difficult when you’re still hurting from a breakup.
3. Having An Anxious Attachment Style
Your attachment style dictates how you make bonds and connections with others. Unsurprisingly, this develops when you are a child.
Yes, it has a lot to do with how you connected to your parents and the type of attention they gave you.
I’m not a psychologist, so I won’t delve into ‘attachment theory’ specifics here. However, the basics are simple: you develop an attachment style in childhood that carries through to your adult relationships. You will mirror how you acted back then with romantic partners.
One typical attachment style is anxious attachment. There are both anxious-ambivalent and anxious-avoidant styles that share similar traits.
A huge indicator of this attachment style is that you fear emotions, intimacy, or closeness to others.
What Are the Signs You Are Insecure in a Relationship?
Relationship insecurity can and will ruin your connection. But what if you have no idea you’re insecure? I’ve previously worked with men who are oblivious to the problem.
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To pinpoint any underlying insecurity, there are certain behaviors that men share when they get into relationships. I’ve seen these come up time and time again.
Here are some of the most common traits that can ultimately shake the foundations of your relationship.
1. You Worry That She Will Cheat or Leave You
Cheating is every man’s biggest fear. It’s not just the fact that your partner is intimate with someone else — it’s what that says about you as a man. You feel unworthy of love.
If you’ve been cheated on in the past, you’re not alone. Around 13% of married women have reportedly slept with someone else. That percentile may be higher in couples who are not married. Infidelity happens every single day. It’s not an anomaly.
However, if your current partner has given you no sign that she’s unhappy, you shouldn’t be concerned about her cheating. Worrying about this issue — when it’s not even happened — is a mistake. It will drive you insane and cause you to act irrationally.
Insecure men always think that there is someone better out there. You may believe that she has ‘settled’ for you or that she is with you out of convenience. Those negative thought spirals won’t help you have a healthy relationship. Get rid of them for good.
2. You Are Jealous and Check Up on Her
The next sign that you’re struggling with relationship insecurity is linked to the last. If you’re worried about your girlfriend cheating on you, you might find yourself in a jealous fit.
Let’s say that she goes out with her friends. Do you check what she’s wearing? Do you worry about how other men will look at her? Do you trust her not to flirt with a bunch of guys?
If you’re stressed about how she (and men) will act, that is a sign of pure jealousy.
I’ve seen dark behaviors associated with jealousy. Men might check their girlfriends’ phones or stalk them on social media. The modern world means that there are plenty of ways you can keep tabs on what someone is doing. But that doesn’t mean you should.
You might think you’re being covert but here’s the kicker: When she finds out that you’ve broken her trust, you won’t be able to build it back up. It’s not worth it.
3. You Won’t Believe Her When She Says She Loves You
“I was feeling insecure you might not love me anymore.” ― John Lennon
Saying the L-word is a big deal. It’s a sign that your relationship is on the right track. Of course, it takes a lot of trust to be the first one to say it to your partner.
You might not be there yet. But consider this: How do you react when she says it to you?
Men who are insecure in their relationships may have a hard time believing that someone loves them. You might think that you are unworthy of love and respect in a relationship.
When you look in the mirror, you don’t like what you see. You don’t believe that it is possible for a woman to be truly in love with you. You don’t see someone of value.
How to Stop Feelings Insecure in a Relationship
Overcoming insecurity is a huge battle for men. It’s unlikely to happen overnight. If you’re feeling anxious about the future of your relationship, that emotion will fester.
Before you know it, you will be on rocky ground and maybe facing the dreaded ‘breakup talk’.
Saving the relationship will take work. You have to be willing to look at the root cause of your relationship problems before you fix them. It takes a unique level of introspection.
I won’t lie. All too many men are afraid of what they will find when they start digging. Don’t be — going through this process could transform and save your relationship.
In the past, I’ve worked with men who fear losing their relationships. Things have gone too far and they believe that there is no way of bringing it back. That is not always the case.
Here are some strategies you can use that will help you overcome your relationship insecurities.
1. Find the Cause of Your Relationship Insecurity
What has caused you to feel insecure about your relationship? At the start of this guide, I covered some of the central causes of relationship anxiety. The truth of the matter is you might recognize one of these in yourself or even a combination of all of them.
Understanding what causes you to feel anxious will make all the difference. Only when you know your trigger can you start to overcome it. Dig deep to figure out what it is.
Of course, for some men, there is no obvious reason. In that case, it’s most likely that you have the anxious attachment style we talked about earlier. The way that you were brought up has had an impact on how you relate to the people around you.
2. Work on Your Self-Esteem and Confidence
Low self-esteem and anxiety are two sides of the same coin. Research has linked confidence problems with both anxiety and depression. That’s bad news for your mental health. If you’re looking for strategies to overcome your insecurity, you need a real boost.
Working with a coach like myself is one way to enhance your confidence. You may also choose to build yourself up by working on your physique, taking an evening class, or going for that promotion at work. Look for ways that you can foster a sense of self-esteem.
I’m not claiming that this is easy. It’s likely one of the hardest things you will have to do. But that doesn’t mean that it’s out of your reach. The more confident you are, the better.
3. Speak Openly to Your Partner About Everything
“Arrogance is the camouflage insecurity.” ― Tim Fargo
I’ve worked with men who try to hide their relationship insecurity. It should come as no surprise that this does not work. You can have as much bravado as you want but your partner will see right through it. Believe me, she already knows you are anxious.
Speaking openly to her about it will alleviate some of your fears. Chances are, she will have some words of encouragement about the relationship. If she’s in it for the long haul, now is her chance to tell you all about it. Believe what she says to you.
If you need some extra support having this conversation, seek professional help. You can work with a couple’s counselor to get the most out of the topic. Remember: there’s zero shame in investing in a relationship that is meaningful to you.
Finding the right partner means being secure in yourself. If you have not checked that box yet, you’ve got some work to do on yourself.
I work with a selection of elite men to help them regain their masculine power through my coaching. Serving up unfiltered, actionable advice that you can use to transform your lifestyle is only the start of my program.
Backed by a solid community of like-minded men, you will gain insights on how to level up and become the strongest, most attractive version of yourself. All of that filters down into your romantic life. There’s nothing more attractive than a man who has things figured out.
When you’re experiencing relationship insecurity, it may feel as though there’s nothing you can do about it. That is not the case. You have the power to overcome this problem once and for all. You need first to tap into your masculinity and shift how you perceive yourself.