Jealousy is one of the most complicated emotions that human beings can experience.
You’ve definitely felt the discomfort that jealousy can cause. You’ve seen your friends “overreact” to situations with their relationships. You’ve felt that overwhelming surge of jealousy when your colleague gets a promotion that you wanted. You’ve scrolled through pictures of celebrities on social media and thought “I wish that was me on that beach”.
In modern society, jealousy is everywhere. Men usually are forced to deal with the worst of it.
Jealousy is on social media. It’s on the news. It’s in our homes, schools, and our offices. Jealousy is even in our subconscious minds.
The truth is that no matter how long you live for, the sensation of jealousy is probably not going anywhere. You can’t magically make jealousy go away.
However… you can learn to react to jealousy in a healthy and reasonable way.
You can reduce the jealousy you feel to a point where it’s so small that you don’t even notice it. You can take this horrible feeling and channel it into something positive.
That’s what we’re going to do today.
This article is a guide on how to overcome jealousy and stop it from ruining your current and future relationships, developing real confidence and genuine security as a man.
Let’s get started.
What Is Jealousy?
Jealousy is a very complicated emotion.
Jealousy is a lot more than just envy or wanting something someone else has. In fact, your brain interprets jealousy as a threat to your reality. This is why the sensations that accompany it are so strong.
It’s also important to note that jealousy is not the same as envy. Jealousy is unpleasant suspicion or apprehension of rivalship, while envy is the longing for what someone else has.
This article is focused on jealousy in relationships, not envy.
Normally, jealousy is closely tied to low self-esteem and insecurity. However, it can also be a result of past traumas, mental illness, and most notably, previous bad relationships.
Having a bad relationship can you make you more likely to be jealous in a future relationship.
Life can teach you to become fearful and resentful of those around you out of insecurity.
Jealousy Comes From Dark Places
The things that make you jealous are directly tied to the things that you are insecure about.
Insecure about your net worth? You’ll likely feel insecure when you see someone driving a Corvette or rocking a Rolex. Wish you were thinner? It’s no wonder that ripped personal trainer at your gym ticks you off. You’ve been cheated on? That’s why you feel jealous and angry when someone looks at your girlfriend the wrong way.
This usually requires some self-awareness, talk therapy, or journaling, but the first step to understanding jealousy is learning what triggers you to be jealous.
If you can’t recognize these triggers, you will struggle to find a way to mitigate their effects of them in your life.
Jealousy Is a Gateway Drug to Everything You Don’t Want
Jealousy alone is not a bad thing.
As men, we have a natural instinct to be protective of the people around us. This is especially true of our friends, family, and especially our romantic partners.
However, without careful self-examination, jealousy is a pathway that will lead to anger, rage, and even manipulation.
This all stems from insecurity. Insecurity is the catalyst that turns a small flame of jealousy into a wildfire of destruction.
In order to overcome this, you have to nip it in the bud before it gets going.
The Lesser-Known Symptoms of Jealousy
When you become jealous, there is kind of a lot going on in your brain and body.
Some of the symptoms of jealousy are pretty common, like lacking trust in your partner, becoming concerned about whether or not they’re cheating, or obsessively checking their social media, but it can also create physical symptoms in your body.
What’s lesser-known is that extreme jealousy can cause headaches, digestive issues, weight gain (or weight loss), and just about every other physical symptom of anxiety one might experience. Jealousy creates very similar side effects to anxiety because of the chemical cortisol.
Jealousy is in your mind, but the side effects of this emotion are very real and are found in your physical body.
This is because jealousy, like anxiety, is a stress response. That’s why to manage your jealousy, you need to learn to manage your stress.
How Should You Handle Jealousy?
Think of jealousy as a fire.
A little bit of fire is actually a good thing. It keeps you warm. it’s kind of pretty to look at, and you can make some really great food with a little bit of fire too.
There are a lot of great aspects of fire. The same is true with jealousy. A little bit of jealousy is actually a good thing because it can teach you to prioritize your relationships, be loyal, and seek partners with like-minded values.
However, as the fire grows, it can become destructive, dangerous, and even deadly.
Jealousy is the same way.
That’s why, in order to get past your jealousy, you need to do a few things – most of which aren’t easy, but all of which are worth it.
The Easy Way to Fight Jealousy Is to Find an Outlet
Contrary to what you might learn from a monk or a self-help guru, the best way to defeat jealousy is not by just sitting alone with your thoughts and struggling to come to terms with your feelings.
This is because jealousy is a stressor, and stressors create energy in your body. When you’re stressed, your cortisol levels increase, your blood pressure rises, and your heart rate increases.
You can’t think away all the stress in your body. You can’t think away your anxiety. You can’t tihnk away anything.
In order to get that stress out of your body, you need to move.
Yes – breathing exercises and meditation will help you feel less stressed, but there’s more to it. One great example of a healthy outlet for negative emotions like jealousy and anxiety is exercise. Exercise is one of the most important ways to combat stress.
When you’re feeling that increased stress that comes from jealousy, one of the best things you can do is go to the gym, hit the trail for a run, or jump in the pool and hammer out as many laps as your lungs can take.
The endorphins caused by exercise will temporarily numb the discomfort of your jealousy.
Think of exercise as mindfulness in motion. When you’re lost in the flow of whatever you’re doing to get those endorphins pumping, it’s easy to forget how stressed you are about your relationship, that promotion you missed, or the car you can’t afford yet.
Other great examples of outlets for jealousy could be spending time with friends and family, creating art, playing an instrument, writing, hiking, or even just going for a walk outside.
Jealousy is negative energy. The best way to deal with this is to work with your negative energy to turn it into positive energy.
You Can Also Overcome Jealousy Through Gratitude
You’ve probably been told before that you need to “practice gratitude”. You probably rolled your eyes.
I get it. This seems like corny advice.
However, gratitude is also one of the best ways to overcome jealousy because by practicing gratitude, we learn to become self-aware of our emotions.
Obviously, complete security isn’t found through gratitude alone, but taking the time to be mindful and grateful is a great start.
A lot of times, people are running around in a rage of jealousy and they don’t even know that that is what is plaguing them. They think they’re anxious, angry, or sad when in reality, they’re deeply jealous.
By practicing gratitude, you become very aware of the positives in your life. By doing this you, will in turn develop situational awareness of the things that you aren’t so happy about.
The Philosophical Side of Jealousy
When you strip away all of the details, jealousy is really just a reflection of a sense of living an incomplete existence.
“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation”
This quote from legendary essayist Henry David Thoreau is not just a reflection of the idea that many men live unfulfilling lives, but it’s also a reflection of the harsh reality that many men are jealous of those who are able to escape the trap of modern society.
Men who live in fear become jealous of men who live in reality.
This is because men who are living in fear aren’t living at all – they’re just existing. They’re doing what they’ve been programmed to do and they feel trapped down by society’s expectations.
They believe that they’re doing “the right thing” by following society’s unrealistically dull standards, but they also feel empty, lost, and often depressed by the nauseatingly dry reality that they feel they have been forced to create.
They’re scared and this is why they can’t get past their jealousy and their anxiety.
The Secret of Confident Men
The secret of most confident men is not that they are tall, good at sports, or that they own a lot of fancy clothes.
The secret of most confident men is charisma.
Charisma is what inspires people to follow certain leaders, chase certain partners, and commit their lives to certain causes and movements. Nelson Mandela had charisma. Muhammad Ali had charisma. Keanu Reeves has charisma.
Plus, charisma and jealousy cannot coexist.
In order to become a man who doesn’t feel jealous and insecure in his relationships, you have to become a man who’s capable of existing on your own.
I’m not saying that you have to start a movement, build a giant company, or create a punk rock band, but you do need to work on becoming focused on a vision. You need to pursue something.
You need to learn how to assert yourself in your daily life by working on yourself, improving your confidence, and finding healthy outlets for negative emotions.
When you do this, it’s going to be hard for jealousy to touch you and the relationships you have with others.
How Jealousy Impacts Dating and Relationships
The dating world today is unforgiving, a bit cutthroat, and kind of intimidating – especially if you’re coming off a breakup or recent rejection.
The dating world today is designed to exploit the insecurities of men who are unconfident.
Let me explain:
Online dating profiles are meant to weed out men who are undesirable to women. Men who don’t have a purpose, don’t take care of themselves and don’t “walk the walk” of living well.
Because of this, a lot of men make an effort to “appear” on the internet like they have it all. They make it seem like they’re taller, richer, stronger, and more motivated than they actually are. They do this because they think it’s what women want.
What if, instead of pretending, you just tried to be all these things?
What if instead of adopting the persona of what you believe a desirable man is, you just tried to become the strongest version of yourself?
People can smell insecurity a mile away…
The most desirable men are the men who aren’t trying to seem strong – the men who actually are strong.
Dating Is Not Easy, Even If You’re Good at It
Dating is hard, even if you’ve got all the qualities that you think should place you on the front of Men’s Health.
Even if you’re smart, funny, good-looking, and rich, you still might get ghosted. You still might get rejected. You still might get cheated on.
This is the reality of dating. This is what can happen when you put yourself out there.
Women might still like other guys instead of you. It sucks, I get it.
What you need to learn to do is to not take this personally.
You do this by learning to understand dating as part of your life, not your whole life.
You do that by becoming just as invested in your other goals in your life as you are invested in finding a great partner.
The more you want a beautiful partner, the harder it is to find one. You can force yourself to go to the gym, build a business, or read a book, but you can’t force anyone else to like you.
When you accept that, jealousy will struggle to touch your new dating pursuits.
The Jealous Lover Is Never Satisfied
Long-term relationships can also be destroyed by jealousy.
In fact, if you struggle with feeling insecure and envious, it’s going to be really hard to even build long-term relationships because you will isolate yourself from your potential lovers long before the words “long-term” are even uttered.
No one wants to be around people who are visibly uncomfortable in their own skin.
No one wants to date the guy who constantly has to check his partner’s phone or ask about her whereabouts. Jealousy forces people to do things that emotionally healthy people never would.
If your behavior feels gross, it probably is a red flag.
This sensation won’t just ruin date night or make your partner upset, it will create a downward spiral that will affect every single aspect of your life. It will lead you to live a life based on scarcity and fleeting happiness.
Over time, it will turn you into a monster.
If You Do the Work, Jealousy Will Go Away
When you start trying to improve at anything, it’s going to hurt a bit.
In fact, it’s probably going to feel like you’re losing progress before you start making it.
This is normal. This is a result of putting yourself out there. Failure is part of life.
Failure doesn’t mean that you will never succeed. Failure isn’t an excuse to be jealous.
You can’t always choose how your endeavors will go, but you can choose how you will react to your successes and failures.
Don’t let your failures get to your head and make you into someone unconfident. Don’t let your successes get to your head and make you into someone who’s overly confident.
Play the game, don’t let the game play you.
This is how you win in your relationships and beat jealousy at the same time.
Control Your Mind, Control Your Life
Human beings were not designed to fight our emotions.
This is why it can be so exhausting to fight emotions like jealousy when we face them. There’s even evidence that human beings have evolved to be envious of each other. The desire to take what others have is part of what motivates us to build airplanes, skyscrapers, and make incredible art.
Jealousy isn’t going anywhere. You can’t learn to stop feeling it. Sorry.
What we can learn is how to stop allowing these feelings to define our actions. We can learn to see jealousy as an emotion and not as a depiction of reality. We can learn to take this negative energy and channel it into something positive, like a trail run, a new skill like martial arts or archery, or a creative project like writing a song.
When you stop fighting your emotions and start using them to fuel action, they will eventually fade long into oblivion.
The more you fight your emotions, the more you will struggle to deal with them. You’ll struggle with your identity because you won’t be able to handle the fact that you experience negative feelings.
When you accept that part of being a man is having bad feelings sometimes and learning how to deal with them, then you’ll reach a new level in your personal transformation.
The women around you will notice.
The world is unforgiving to men who struggle with insecurities.
It’s normal to feel anxiety before going on dates, meeting new people, and building new relationships, but it’s not normal to allow every single jealous feeling that washes over your to ruin your day, night, or weekend.
You can overcome jealousy and get to what’s important. All you have to do is commit to becoming the strongest and most secure version of yourself. You have to grow.
You can do that through the points I’ve made above, along with sprinkling in your own personal flair.
If you take this advice to heart, 6 months from now, you’ll probably realize how silly and childish this emotion has made you act over the years.
If you can learn to drop the constant jealousy, you just might become the man you are destined to be. Now wouldn’t that be something?
Do you want to defeat jealousy once and for all?
The best way to overcome jealousy in relationships is to surround yourself with your vision and your goals, but even better than is to surround yourself with like-minded people who want you to succeed.
That’s what I offer with my exclusive coaching program.
See, this program isn’t only going to help you break free from nice guy behaviors, build quality romantic relationships, and become a stronger Grounded Man. It’s also going to provide you with support from both myself and my elite community of men.
You’ll be tapped into your own “band of brothers” and you’ll also have access to the best training course for men that exist today, as well as weekly calls with my team of inspiring and determined coaches. There are no boys, no complainers or dabblers, this program is for serious men only.
Click here to watch my new client orientation.