Every man craves connection. Finding the right woman to share your life with is a journey. Only one thing stands in your way once you think you’ve got a keeper.
It can be infuriating when you’re giving a relationship your all, and she’s sabotaging it at every turn. She seems ideal for you, and things are going well except when they are not.
Often enough, women showcase problematic behavior when they get into relationships. Let’s not beat around the bush: There are plenty of ways she can royally screw things up.
This article will share my insights on why women sabotage even the happiest of relationships, the signs that she’s doing that, and what you can do about it all.
Why Do Women Sabotage Relationships (When They Want Them to Work Out)?
“The course of true love never did run smooth”— A Midsummer Night’s Dream
Before I reveal the signs that she is sabotaging the relationship, there’s a big question mark over your head. Chances are, you’re asking yourself why she’s doing it.
You’re not alone. If you’re seeing a new woman and things seem to be going well, you might wonder why she’s continually screwing things up or why you are in a constant argument battle.
She’s made it clear that she likes you. She might even say intense things when you’re alone together. But — and it’s a big but — she keeps messing up, to the point where it looks like she’s doing it on purpose.
The first thing you need to get your head around here is that she is not conscious of what she’s doing. When people self-sabotage their relationship, they don’t know they are doing it. She’s as much of a victim as you are in this mess.
Understanding that she’s not trying to screw things up means you can eliminate the blame and anger. There’s no need to be mad at her since her sabotaging behavior is rooted in something much more profound. She wants the relationship to work, but she doesn’t know-how.
Scientists have looked into self-sabotaging behavior in relationships. One of the experts’ most exciting findings is that people who sabotage themselves are trying to protect themselves.
She doesn’t want to get hurt by the relationship. Two of the main reasons people do this are because they have poor self-concepts or low self-esteem.
Let’s break that down: She is sabotaging the relationship because she wants to protect herself from the ultimate pain of it all going wrong. That might sound counterproductive but remember that this all happens on a subconscious level.
Past Relationship Trauma vs. Childhood Trauma
Women who sabotage relationships before they have even begun will have their reasons. An ex might have badly hurt her — the breakup could have been bitter and painful. She doesn’t want to relive that trauma again, so she’s avoiding commitment.
Her self-sabotaging could also stem from her childhood. If her parents brought her up in an unstable relationship, she might be cautious about emulating that. Adults who had rocky upbringing find it hard to maintain healthy emotional relationships.
She might have found herself in the following scenario: Her father was verbally abusive to her mother and spent many nights out with other people. Her mother did not know how to deal with the issue and stand up for herself… so she turned to alcohol.
On both counts, her parents neglected her needs because they couldn’t manage the relationship. She did not get the level of parenting she needed, and she failed to see a healthy model of a romantic relationship. Now, is it any wonder she sabotages her own?
When you let go of the idea that her sabotaging behavior is anything to do with you, you can start to overcome it. If she’s worth it, you can look at ways to manage the behavior and help her grow as a person. It’s not easy — but no romantic relationship is.
The Signs That She Is Sabotaging Your Relationship
Have you ever wondered why your relationship is so hard?
It might not be about you. If she’s sabotaging the relationship, you will never get a moment of peace. You’ll fight, argue, and fall out every other day. That’s not normal.
When a relationship works — when you have found the quality relationship you deserve — you won’t need to keep battling on. Ask yourself: Is she the toxic one here?
Men are often socialized to believe that we are the problem. Women are innocent and know how relationships work… While men screw things up by being selfish and having affairs. It’s time to deprogram that messaging. Flip the narrative and look at the facts.
If she’s pulling any of the below tactics, she is the problem — not you. Recognizing the signs will help you both to move forward, either together or separately.
In my coaching program, I work with many elite men who have experienced this problem firsthand. Here are some of the common factors they report when talking about their relationships. Apply now!
1. She sends you mixed signals about commitment and exclusivity
Does she want to be exclusive? Is she looking for commitment? You’ll never know because she will never tell you. Whenever you talk about where the relationship is headed, she is vague. She will tell you that she wants to keep it ‘casual’ and that she’s ‘happy the way things are right now. Okay, that makes sense, right?
What doesn’t make sense is that her actions tell a different story altogether. Contrary to her desire to be commitment-free, she dominates all of your time. She expects you to text her every morning and every night. She expects you to show up to her family events. She gets annoyed if you make plans with your friends and don’t consult her first.
She wants all of the perks of a relationship with none of the commitment.
If she’s acting like your girlfriend but telling you, it’s not severe, that’s some truly serious self-sabotage. Put things into perspective: She wants to be with you, but she can’t commit.
2. She holds grudges over the slightest thing and starts arguments
Healthy people can let things go. However, if she’s unstable or is holding onto past trauma, she might not know how to. When women struggle with their own identity and feelings, they can take it out on the people closest to them. That means you.
Let’s say that you disagree about which movie to watch. She wants to watch a Marvel film, and you would instead get stuck into the latest Stephen King adaptation. Before you know it, you have a huge row in front of everyone in the cinema queue.
She’s loudly telling you how you always get your way and anyone else who will listen. Luckily, you manage to diffuse the situation, and you settle on a compromise. You’re relaxed, and you move on to gett some popcorn, but she will not let the argument go.
She huffs and puffs for the entire movie. She’s stroppy and moody and refuses to hold your hand. When you try to ask her what’s up, she is avoidant and won’t tell you. Finally, after you have asked many times, she tells you that she’s still mad. The two of you have a full-blown argument about it in the car home, and she sulks all night long.
This woman cannot manage her emotions, and you are getting the brunt of it. It’s almost as though she is testing you to see how much of her BS you will stand before you walk away.
3. She is quick to criticize you whenever you make a mistake
You’re human, and — spoiler — you make mistakes. You might forget to cancel dinner. You might get home later than expected from work. Whatever it is, you’ve made a minor mistake that doesn’t impact anything. How does she react?
A typical reaction might be to laugh about the error. She might tease you that you made a mistake but ultimately wouldn’t have a go at you about it. We’ve all been there.
However, if she is trying to sabotage the relationship, she might take the opportunity to blow things out of proportion. Instead of letting sleeping dogs lie, she might start an argument about the issue. It’s a childish way to react. She might not even realize that she’s doing it. She is trying to find your flaws and using them against you.
4. She becomes distant, ghosts you, then randomly shows back up
Inconsistency is constant when women try to sabotage relationships. As I’ve already covered, there’s a good chance that your romance has been turbulent. You might find that you argue on a daily or weekly basis. When that happens, how does she react?
While high-quality women will seek to understand the problem and work with you to solve it, she is unlikely to have the same approach. Because she is trying to sabotage the relationship, you might find that she looks for ways to become more distant.
The pop-culture term for this is ‘ghosting.’ You know the drill. She stops calling or texting you. You don’t hear from her for days at a time. What was once a continuous stream of communication stops, the line goes dead, and you don’t know why.
The radio silence can typically last for a few days or weeks. Then…*poof*. As if by magic, she’s back in your life. She will send you a vague text about having had a hard time at work.
Or perhaps she will randomly invite you to go somewhere this weekend. And just like that, your toxic and turbulent on-again-off-again relationship is back on.
If we circle back to point one, we can see what she’s doing here. By intermittently ghosting you and giving you the silent treatment, she’s stopping the relationship in its tracks. That means that she never has to commit and get serious with you.
5. She will say it’s over whenever you fight… and then makeup
What happens when you fight? Does she go in all guns blazing? Does she hit you where it hurts the most? Worst of all, she says the words you have been dreading: “We’re over!”
If she tries to call it quits every time you disagree on something, that is a major red flag. She is not handling conflict in an emotionally mature way.
She is jumping to the end of the relationship before she’s even let it begin. That speaks of her innate insecurity, fear of commitment, distrust, and immaturity in relationships. It’s a recipe for an absolute disaster.
How to Handle It If She Is Sabotaging the Relationship
Okay, so she’s sabotaging the relationship — what will you do about it? Now that you’ve recognized a problem, you need to take action.
Unless you’re an out-and-out masochist, you don’t want to stay in a turbulent and toxic relationship.
Step 1: Decide whether you want to save the relationship
Ask yourself the obvious question: Do you want to save this relationship? Is she worth it if you’re putting in all of the efforts and she’s trying to sabotage left, right, and center?
Only you know the answer to that question. If she is the ‘one’ and you know you’re compatible, it makes sense to work on the relationship.
You might see real value in your connection with her and want to work things out as a partnership.
Step 2: Talk to her directly and make her feel safe
If you have decided that you want to make things work, the next thing you need to do is speak to her now.
Be honest about how you’re feeling. Explain that you care about her and want things to work out long-term. Ask her if she is on the same page as you.
Keep in mind the reasons she sabotages things: She is insecure, scared, and worried that things won’t work out. Work to show her that’s not the case.
When you’re talking to her, you might need to reassure her of your commitment. The key here is to make her feel safe.
Since she’s concerned that she will get hurt, you need to tell her that’s not the case. Be honest about how you feel and show her that you do care.
Step 3: Consider getting some expert help or therapy
You might not be able to repair the relationship without expert help. That’s where couples’ counseling comes into play.
Working with an expert coach or therapist may help you solve this typical relationship issue.
You can delve into why she sabotages things, overcome the challenges you’re facing, and create a high-quality relationship.
If she’s sabotaging the relationship, no amount of hoping will make things better. You’re not going to wake up one day and find that everything is back to normal. No, you’re going to need to put in some groundwork here.
In my exclusive coaching program, I work with various elite men to help them reach their life goals. That means becoming the strongest versions of themselves, fulfilling their professional potential, and creating meaningful romantic relationships that stand the test of time. Backed by a community of like-minded men and experts, the coaching platform is open to those who deserve better.
Creating a quality relationship that supports you as you move forward doesn’t happen overnight. However, if you are willing to put in the work and strive for everything you deserve, it could happen for you. When we’re unhappy in relationships, we often forget that we have the power to transform them.