Make no mistake: being cheated on can be one of the most traumatic experiences a man will ever face.
And for men who have suffered through infidelity in the past, it can often result in lingering trust issues that cloud future relationships.
Infidelity can create doubt and cause deep-rooted insecurities. New relationships may lack the joy and spontaneity they once did due to a lingering fear that your partner might cheat.
Men often report feeling on edge and second-guessing their partner’s every move. They become overly jealous and distrustful.
Their fear of infidelity ends up being a burden on the relationship, a burden that can doom it from the start.
Fortunately, there are active steps you can take to overcome the fear of cheating in relationships. The key is understanding your fear and realizing that the past doesn’t need to dictate the future.
Today, I’m going to discuss nine ways to rebuild yourself after experiencing the trauma of a cheating relationship.
With a bit of time and sustained effort, you will not only recover from the infidelity, but you will grow stronger because of it.
The path forward won’t always be easy, but if you’re committed to strengthening yourself as a man and optimizing your potential going forward, I’m here to guide you.
So, let’s begin.
1. Debunk The Myth That Everyone Cheats
Many people, both men and women, hold this misguided view that everyone cheats (or, at the very least, that everyone is capable of cheating).
Believing that cheating is inevitable is one of the most damaging mindsets you can hold.
At the same time, it can be hard to dispute this fact. After all, you were cheated on. You know several people — friends or even family members — who were also cheated on.
On the surface, cheating is everywhere. But is it, though?
Many people forget that you only hear about the negative things in life. For example, if you turn on the evening news, you’ll hear maybe one or two uplifting stories in a sea of constant negativity.
Crime, death, disease, and destruction take center stage. Why? Because that’s what people react to. That’s what keeps people’s eyes glued to the screen.
Why, though? Because human beings have what’s known as a ‘negativity bias.’ We hold on to traumatic experiences more than positive ones.
We can easily envision 1,000 bad things that could happen to us, yet we struggle to visualize even one good thing.
It’s believed this is largely due to human evolution. In less civilized times, having a negative bias kept us alive.
After all, who’s more likely to survive in the wilderness? The man who assumes a predator is lurking around every corner, or the man who believes it’s just the wind rustling the leaves?
Regarding infidelity, it’s instinctual to cling to the negativity of being cheated on. It’s a natural defense mechanism.
Now, just because it’s natural doesn’t mean it’s healthy. Yes, it may seem like everyone cheats, but that really isn’t the case at all.
If you were to list out every friend, family member, and coworker you have, it’s almost certain that most of them haven’t been cheated on.
But we don’t think about this because we don’t talk about it regularly. How often does one of your work pals come in and say, “Damn, I’m having a great morning — another day goes by that my wife didn’t cheat on me”?
It doesn’t happen.
You need to reframe the situation to have an objective view of it. Yes, your girlfriend, fiance, or wife cheated on you, and yes, it was a terrible experience, but that doesn’t mean every future woman you meet will do the same thing to you.
While it might be challenging to do in the immediate aftermath of the situation, you need to rewire your mindset to be conscious of this fact.
Of course, I understand this can be difficult to do. That’s why a dedicated support group in the form of professional men’s coaches can be so vital.
At Knowledge for Men, our team is built of real men who have suffered the same things you’re suffering through. These are men who can tap into their collective experiences to help guide you on your journey.
2. Understand That You Can’t Control A Person’s Actions
While it’s vital to acknowledge that most people do not cheat on their partners, it’s also important to recognize that you have no control over your partner’s choices.
If a woman is going to cheat on you, she’s going to cheat on you, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
There’s a reason infidelity has been such an enduring plot thread in books, movies, and television shows throughout the years. ‘Crimes of the heart,’ so to speak, fascinate us because of their impulsive nature.
Cheating results from a primal need to satisfy our core human needs. While there are certainly instances where someone will cheat just to be vindictive to their partner, this is more of the exception than the rule.
Infidelity doesn’t happen by chance. It doesn’t happen because of a person’s surroundings. And it isn’t a byproduct of the love you gave or didn’t give your partner.
Cheating is a choice, a personal choice, one that isn’t yours to make.
I often see men deluding themselves into believing that being hyper-aware of their partner’s activities can somehow ward off infidelity, but that’s simply impossible.
You can’t be with your partner every second of every day. You can’t (and just shouldn’t) keep tabs on what she’s doing every minute of every day.
You need to focus on yourself (more on that in a bit). You need to become a self-sufficient, self-reliant man who doesn’t define his worth by garnering someone else’s approval.
When you do that, you will raise your value in the dating economy and be a stronger, more grounded, and more resilient man because of it.
3. Confront The Trauma Head-On
It’s a natural instinct to try and supress the pain of infidelity.
In the wake of a cheating relationship, many men turn to unhealthy vices like alcohol, cigarettes, or drugs.
Oppositely, you may bury your pain by hitting the gym or taking up a healthy hobby like running.
While I’d recommend opting for the less self-destructive option, it is still crucial for you to confront your feelings head-on.
Avoidance might feel good at the moment, but in the long run, it will do more harm than good.
If you want to grow, you first need to heal. And as odd as it may seem, experiences like these can end up being the best thing that ever happened to you. The problem is that so many men bury their trauma without acknowledging it.
Being hurt by what happened doesn’t diminish your masculinity; it doesn’t make you weak. Whatever you’re feeling, allow yourself to feel it. It’s actually much more trying to face the fear than hiding from it.
Talk about what happened — and be open about what you are feeling. Talk to friends, family members, or a dedicated support group. Just verbalizing your feelings can be cathartic.
Talking about what happened can help you better understand the situation and why you’re feeling what you’re feeling. Feel the pain — but also extract lessons from it.
Stoicism is one thing, but it should never be taken to the point that it becomes self-destructive. And if you’re dying on the inside but putting up a front like everything is fine, that’s not good for yourself or those around you.
Instead, confront the trauma head-on. Embrace it. And build from it.
4. Recognize Underlying Self-Confidence Issues
Cheating affects different men in different ways.
If you were hypothetically the most confident, self-assured man on the planet, a cheating partner would cause little to no long-term emotional damage.
Unfortunately, most of us aren’t Superman…
But if a man is genuinely comfortable and confident with who he is, he will realize that his partner’s infidelity was no fault of his own. He will recognize his self-worth, go back out there, and find a partner who values him for who he is.
Again, this is easier said than done. Most people have some level of insecurity about one thing or another. This is completely natural. The problem is when a man fails to recognize he has a problem he needs to work on.
How can a man recognize underlying self-confidence issues? Well, one of the easiest ways is to analyze your most recent romantic relationship.
Ask yourself the following questions:
- Did I go out of my way to please my partner, even when it meant personally inconveniencing myself?
- Was I always apologizing, even when I knew I did nothing wrong?
- Was I codependent on my partner? Did I have fears that I’d be unable to live without her?
- Did I struggle to make decisions without first having her approval?
- Did I avoid conflict at all costs?
- Did I forfeit my interests to maintain a “healthy relationship”?
- Did I relinquish my dreams and ambitions so my partner could pursue hers?
If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, it indicates that you have a problem with self-confidence. And that lack of self-confidence is also a big reason why being cheated on has been so traumatic for you in the first place.
To grow stronger from the experience and become a better, more grounded man because of it, it’s crucial first to build a stronger foundation.
Professional confidence coaching like the kind we offer at Knowledge for Men can help you identify limiting beliefs and provide practical tools and teachings to help you become the best version of yourself.
5. Take Action To Address Those Self-Confidence Issues
It’s one thing to recognize the chinks in your armor, but it’s another to act on reinforcing it. If you have already identified your shortcomings, take the next step and put in the effort to resolve them.
How do you do that, exactly? Understand that when we talk about self-confidence in the context of relationships, our external actions, habits, and general lifestyle choices play a pivotal role in boosting self-esteem.
The good news is that there are specific guidelines any man can follow that will boost his self-confidence, make him more attractive to women, and raise his value in the dating economy.
And there’s no magic here. The things that work for men today are the same things that have been working for decades. Here are a few basic steps you can take.
Aside from the obvious health benefits of being in shape, being a physically fit man says a lot about who you are as a person.
Maintaining a high level of physical fitness requires discipline and commitment. It shows a woman that you have priority and are willing to make yourself uncomfortable to achieve your goals.
Plus, it’s a biological fact that women are attracted to certain physical features like broad shoulders, a narrow waist, and a v-shaped torso. So, if you want to boost your self-confidence with women, put in the work and sculpt a body they will desire.
Personal Grooming And Attire
How you present yourself to the world directly represents how you feel about yourself.
If you roll out of bed, throw on the same outfit you wore yesterday, and walk out the door without cleaning up your face or combing your hair, it will be painfully obvious to everyone around you that you don’t care about your appearance.
Taking pride in your appearance, whether getting a fresh haircut, ironing your shirts, or keeping your footwear in pristine condition, can uplift your mood and elevate your self-image.
Many men believe that the total sum of their wealth directly correlates to their self-worth. Look, the total sum of your assets is significant, but financial health is more important than anything else.
In other words, it’s stability that matters. Women are more concerned with finding a stable man with a steady income and financial order than one with a private yacht (though if you aspire to have one, that’s perfectly fine).
Getting your life and your finances in order can go a long way toward making you more attractive to women.
As cliche as it may sound, knowledge is power. Continual learning is a sign of solid self-growth, and it’s very desirable to women.
Have you ever wanted to learn a second language but have not gotten around to it? Now’s your chance. When was the last time you read a book? When was the last time you put in the effort to improve yourself?
Time is the most precious commodity of all, so make sure you use your time for productive activities that help boost your confidence.
Expand Your Social Circle
Do you mostly stay in your comfort zone? Socialization with diverse groups of people is vital to helping you develop new perspectives. Plus, it keeps your communication skills sharp.
If you constantly surround yourself with the same group of people daily, you’re forcing yourself to see the world through a narrow perspective.
Like anything else, practice is the key to expanding your social circle. Meet new people. Go to networking events or group meetups. Get out of your comfort zone and do your best to expand your horizons. Who knows, you just might find your next romance.
Self-confidence isn’t something you’ll build overnight; it takes sustained and conscious effort. Thankfully, there are studied and proven masculine traits that resonate with women, so simply following the five tips above will have you well on your way.
At the end of that day, only you can decide how much effort you will devote to building your self-confidence around women. But I can promise you that if you’re willing to put in the effort, not only will you find more women who are interested in you, but they will be the types of women you once only dreamt of.
High-value men attract high-value women. Period.
So, if you feel stuck in a vicious cycle of failed relationships, start with the one thing you have complete control over: yourself.
6. Avoid The Mistakes Of The Past: Understand Your Attachment Style
Everyone has a unique way of connecting and bonding with a partner. Often, we don’t think about our romantic actions, instead chalking it up to having ‘good compatibility’ or ‘being in love.’
But in fact, all our romantic behaviors revolve around one thing: our attachment style.
These are patterns of how we feel and act in intimate relationships, and they have little to do with what we’re feeling in the present moment.
In fact, how we connect to our caregivers as children is what determines our attachment style. Here’s a brief overview of the four different types:
- Secure: If you’re mostly comfortable with intimacy and independence, you probably have a secure attachment style. Your romantic relationships are generally fairly healthy, honest, and open.
- Anxious: Constantly worrying about your partner’s commitment? Fear they might leave you? Need constant reassurance? Chances are you have an anxious attachment style.
- Avoidant: Do you build walls to keep people at a safe distance? Are your independence and desire for a committed relationship causing inner turmoil? You probably have an avoidant attachment style.
- Disorganized: When you’re partly anxious and partly avoidant, it’s classified as a disorganized attachment style.
Identifying your attachment style is vital to improving your relationships going forward.
Remember how I mentioned you shouldn’t believe your past experiences will dictate your future? Well, if you’ve only been cheated on once, that might sound doable, but what if this is the second, third, or fourth time this has happened to you?
If so, you’re probably wondering why this keeps happening to you. The answer lies in your attachment style.
Your attachment style influences every action, word, and decision you make in a relationship. The women you match with? The ones you end up dating? That’s mainly because your attachment style draws you to them.
Attachment style isn’t tied to a specific type of person. Many of my clients are perplexed that even though they date women who are nothing like each other, the relationship inevitably fails for the same reason.
It is the attachment style that attracts these men to these women.
For example, if you have an anxious attachment style, you might get nervous when someone doesn’t immediately answer your texts. So what happens? You wind up in a relationship with someone who shares this same trait.
Often (but not always), a couple where both partners share an anxious attachment style is a recipe for disaster.
But like everything in life, awareness is your first step toward making a change. Just because you’ve identified with one style doesn’t mean you’re stuck with it for life.
After all, your attachment style is a result of learned behaviors from when you were a child. And just as you once learned these behaviors, you can also unlearn them.
Whether you want to change your attachment style or recognize the unhealthy behaviors accompanying yours, devoting the time to understanding this dynamic can have profound positive effects on all future relationships.
7. Rewrite Your Script With Narrative Therapy Techniques
Be honest for a second; in the aftermath of your failed relationship, did you say some pretty mean shit to yourself?
Did you question your worth as a partner? As a man? Did you analyze your performance in bed? Did you look at your face in the mirror and see more flaws than before?
“I’ll never find someone…”
“I’m a screw-up…”
“Women can’t be trusted…”
“Every relationship is doomed to fail…”
Never underestimate the power of these thoughts, these narratives we tell ourselves. They act like anchors and will keep you from finding true happiness if you let them.
But our thoughts can also be incredibly powerful. If you read an autobiography on any — literally any — extremely wealthy individual, you’ll see a pattern emerging.
These people had their naysayers and detractors, just like the rest of us. What is the difference between them and 99.9% of the population? They didn’t listen to one word coming from these people’s mouths.
They wrote their narrative. They stayed true to their goals. The only story that mattered to them was the one they told themselves.
So, if you’re narrative consists of different variations of “I’m a failure,” you will be a failure. If you keep telling yourself you’re not worthy of finding love, you never will.
Identify your dominant narrative and ask yourself if it’s healthy. Because if it isn’t, you need to work on externalizing the issues.
Then, shift the narrative. Instead of making blanket statements like “I’m a failure at relationships,” change that to “I’ve had a string of bad relationships.” It’s a subtle — but significant — difference.
Through time and with constant effort, you will realize that you aren’t a failure at relationships; you just made a few missteps along the way. And you know what? Those missteps will be the best thing that ever happened to you.
I say that because I’ve made plenty of missteps on my journey.
There will be plenty of days where you just don’t have the energy to deal with all the things life throws at you. That’s why my team and I offer guidance to men who are struggling with these issues.
We’ve been there and know what it’s like to feel what you’re feeling. We had to learn these things the hard way, but you’re in a privileged position that you don’t have to.
And if you need help rewriting your narrative, we can help you do just that.
8. Tame Jealousy In The Social Media Era
Social media can be particularly problematic for those who have experienced infidelity.
Every like, comment, and follow can cause suspicion today. Even though you know — objectively — that these social media interactions are innocuous, part of you can’t help but be suspicious.
Why? Because when you think back to your prior relationships, there were telltale signs that your partner was unfaithful — you were just too blind to see it.
Now that you’ve learned your lesson, you’re more conscious of online social interactions.
While it’s normal for any person to experience some degree of jealousy in a relationship, it can quickly become overbearing if left unchecked.
If you see something online that triggers you, ask yourself why you’re feeling that way. Is there something about the comment that’s genuinely flirtatious, or are your insecurities taking control of you?
And if you need to talk about it, do that: talk about it. Don’t come at your partner with accusations or an accusatory tone. Remember that everyone has different expectations and boundaries regarding social media.
One person might not care if their partner leaves an occasional like or comment on their ex’s newest post; others might find this completely unacceptable.
So, before you get yourself bent out of shape, do your best to discuss these things.
Beyond that, remember that you’re the one making the choice here. If there’s reason to worry about infidelity, that’s one thing.
For example, perhaps the woman you’re dating has admitted to cheating on her exes; maybe she even cheated on someone with you.
Assuming this isn’t the case, however, it’s up to you to maintain control of your emotions. Constantly checking who liked or commented on your partner’s most recent post is no way to live, and you need to establish trust in your new relationship.
Remember, social media does not reflect real life — as much as some people would like it to be. Don’t let past experiences influence what is an otherwise healthy relationship.
9. Stop Chasing Women And Become The One Who Is Chased
Yes, your girlfriend, fiance, or wife cheated on you. Maybe it was a one-off occurrence or an ongoing affair that she kept hidden from you.
Either way, this woman’s actions deeply hurt you, leading you to seek out the article you are now reading.
Now, dig a bit deeper: tell me why it hurt.
If I had to guess, it would be a combination of the following factors:
- Love. You genuinely cared for, admired, and loved this woman and never thought she would ever do anything to betray or hurt you.
- Your pride. You were caught off guard, and the fact that your partner was intimate with another man has severely bruised your ego.
- Time invested. However long your relationship lasted — three months, three years, or three decades — you now feel like it was time wasted. And that is wasted time you will never get back.
- Scarcity. It took you a long time to find this woman you were dating or married to. You were very attracted to her and finally thought you found ‘the one.’ Now, even though you might not openly admit it, you secretly fear that you’ll never find another woman as special as she was.
Now, allow me to flip the script. What if you could transform every aspect of your life in a few short months? What if you could become a high-value man?
What if your income could double, triple, or quadruple?
What if your failed fitness routine did a complete 180? What if, with your newfound wealth, you hire the best personal trainer in your area? And that trainer gives you the guidance you need to achieve the body you once only dreamed of?
And you are now in the best shape of your entire life.
And because you sought help after your breakup, you are now in the inner circle of a group of like-minded men who are strong and steadfast in their commitment to becoming the best versions of themselves.
They challenge you. They help you. They make you a better man.
Oh, and one last thing…
You’re attracting more women than you could have ever dreamed of. Not only are you attracting more women, but they’re the type who wouldn’t have given you a second glance just a few months ago.
But now, because you raised your value as a man and embraced your dormant alpha energy, they — quite literally — will not leave you alone.
You no longer chase after women because dating you would be a privilege, and everyone knows it.
If all this were true, would you really care about your ex? Would you be wallowing in the misery of your failed relationships? Of course, you wouldn’t. If anything, you’d be looking back on the whole thing and laughing about it.
But beyond that, would you fear being cheated on again? No, because you’ve now fully realized your value.
Should a woman be stupid enough to cheat on you by this point, why would you care? That’s her loss.
Now, if you read all that and rolled your eyes, saying, “Impossible,” let me stop you for a second. Everything I listed above is entirely within the realm of possibility.
Is it going to be easy to achieve those things? No, but if you have expert guidance, it can significantly expedite the process.
And if you tackle it with the same will and determination my team and I have, it won’t be long until that man you envision in your mind is looking at you in the mirror.
Look, getting through the aftermath of infidelity is no joke. But if you can muster up the strength, this can be one of the defining points of your life.
Knowing the road to self-improvement is easy, but actually walking it is another thing entirely.
If you made it this far, chances are you’re ready to make a change in your life.
If you’re struggling to navigate the situation and need guidance, my expert team of coaches and I can provide that for you.
But beyond that, if you want to optimize all aspects of your life, from your career to your social circle to your love life, we can show you how.
Just understand that this isn’t where we hand solutions to you on a silver platter. Like anything, it takes hard work to achieve real, lasting results.
But when you’re in the company of like-minded men who have gone through the same thing you have, it makes the journey that much more profound. When you join me and my brothers, you’ll learn to tackle challenges like these with poise and determination.
Infidelity, in particular, is an experience that can be truly transformative. Men have walked out of my program with unshakeable confidence and a new alpha male mentality that completely changed their fortunes in love and life in general.
But again, I want you to be completely sure you’re ready for this.
If you think you are, watch this video to learn more about me and my team and what we can offer you.