Do you have the feeling you’re the ‘fallback guy’? The guy who gets attention from women only when it’s convenient for them?
Have you ever been in a situation where a woman hits you up sporadically for dinner, drinks, or sex but then doesn’t contact you for weeks or months at a time?
Or perhaps you’ll date for a short period, but then she’ll break it off in favor of someone else.
And do you see this pattern repeating with lots of women you date? Does it always feel like there’s always another guy who just has something you don’t have that pulls these women away from you?
Being second choice with women is never the ideal situation. And if you find yourself getting attached to a woman, only to have her leave you on the backburner with little or no explanation, it can damage your self-confidence.
And if you secretly feel jealous of those other guys who are getting the full attention of these women, that’s perfectly understandable.
The good news is that there isn’t anything those men have that you don’t have. All you need to do is change your dating strategy a bit, and you’ll be the guy who has women lining up to date you.
While situations like these might seem innocuous, they can seriously damage your mental well-being and sense of self-worth in the long run.
Today, I’m going to explain some strategies you can implement today that will help you elevate your dating game. With persistence and the right approach, you stop being the fallback guy and transition to a man with women lining up to date him.
Sounds like an exciting prospect, doesn’t it? So, let’s dive in.
1. Understand How Hypergamy Works
Hypergamy is a term used in social science to explain the phenomenon of partnering or having a sexual relationship with a partner of superior sociological or educational background.
This means that people (this applies to both men and women) will naturally and instinctively chase after whichever potential mate has superior status in their eyes.
It is a concept that’s been around forever and will continue to influence dating dynamics long into the future.
Remember that partnering up with someone for love is a relatively new concept. While the days of arranged marriages for the sake of familial or financial stability are mostly in the past, there is still a strong element of hypergamy in the dating world.
What does all this mean for you? If you often find yourself the second choice among women, it’s because women view you as inferior to other potential mates.
Love is not the only thing that matters in a romantic relationship. While love and affection are vital to establishing any healthy relationship, there are many other things that a man needs to consider to raise his value in the dating economy.
The simple fact is that if you are always the second choice, some other man out there is winning these women over. Dating is a competition, and you’re losing the game.
The good news is, unlike professional sports, where success is largely determined by natural talent, success in dating is a skill that can be learned and mastered.
With some effort and proper guidance, anyone can become a master of dating dynamics — it’s just a matter of practice and persistence.
And that’s exactly what I’m going to teach you today.
2. Look Within Yourself And Figure Out Exactly What You’re Lacking
When it comes to dating, men sometimes focus too much on the minute details rather than the larger picture.
For example, I once had a client who was convinced that his receding hairline was the cause of all his dating problems. Because he was losing his hair, he felt he lacked something other men had, causing his lack of success with women.
Of course, the real problem wasn’t my client’s lack of hair but his lack of confidence. But even beyond that, he focused too much on little details without looking at the more significant problems.
His career and his income were average at best. He was completely out of shape. And his social life was non-existent. Those were his real problems.
You need to ask yourself what your real problems are. The answer will differ for each of you reading this, but you must be honest with yourself.
The three central pillars of dating success are getting in shape, creating a financially stable lifestyle, and expanding your social life so you can get out there and meet new people (and new women).
You can have a solid foundation with one of these pillars, but if the other two are lacking, you’re still putting yourself at a disadvantage with women.
If you spend four hours every evening at the gym, have no other social life, and waste your days working a dead-end job, you must repurpose your free time to improve the other two areas of your life.
Oppositely, you can be CEO at a multi-billion dollar corporation, but if you’re neglecting your body, you’re putting yourself at a disadvantage with women. Don’t believe me? Just look at Jeff Bezos’s recent fitness transformation.
The point is, you need to look at your complete package when raising your value as a man.
Don’t get caught up on your perceived shortcomings and tell yourself that you’re somehow different from other men out there; you almost certainly are not.
Instead, put in the work, be persistent, and focus on the three central pillars mentioned above.
3. There Is No Crash Course To Success: Create A Sustainable Self-Improvement Plan
It’s one thing to recognize the problem but another to tackle it. One common mistake I see is that men implement a game plan that isn’t sustainable over the long run.
They haven’t gone to the gym a day in their life, and then they sign up for a 10k race…
Rather than create a sustained and practical plan to improve their careers, they start working 4 hours of overtime a day and burn themselves out…
They’re naturally introverted but decide to sign up for networking events, speed dating, and other group activities that leave them exhausted…
While the effort here is admirable, you must focus on creating a plan that you can live with not only for the next three weeks, months, or years but for the rest of your life.
Going to the gym for half an hour a day might not seem like a lot, but if you consistently do it every day for a year, the results will be astonishing.
Similarly, applying to one new job a day might not get you immediate results, but with enough time, you will likely get a callback.
Again, if you’re really committed to becoming the best version of yourself and optimizing your alpha male potential, these are changes you’re going to want to implement for the rest of your life.
It’s not about putting in the work for a little while to get the desired results; it’s about making a permanent change for the better.
This is why having a dedicated support group is so vital. Society has conditioned us to expect instant results, but the truth is that long hours of prolonged effort get results.
At Knowledge for Men, my team of coaches and I can guide you toward optimizing your full potential and help you remain consistent with your goals.
4. I Comes Before You: Why You Need To Make Yourself The Number One Priority
Honest question: are you a ‘nice guy’? Are you the type of man who prides himself on always being there for his friends and family?
Do you often willingly inconvenience yourself for the sake of helping others? Does a part of you secretly resent that you’re always going out of your way for other people and getting little or nothing in return?
If so, you might be suffering from ‘nice-guy’ syndrome.
Even though you might not realize it, these behaviors could be a large reason why you constantly find yourself in these positions with women.
Chances are, you’re being overly accommodating to the needs of others and failing to put your own needs first. You likely have a deep-rooted need for validation that causes you to cater to the wishes of others.
And when it comes to women and dating, this is causing you to be the second choice.
Take a step back and look at it from an objective point of view. Let’s say there are two women in your life. One is a high-value woman you are highly attracted to but who you feel is out of your league. Even though you’re unsure if the feeling is mutual, you feel compelled to chase after her because she’s so amazing.
On the other end of the spectrum is another woman you’ve known and casually dated for years. You know she is very attracted to you and would like to settle down and get into a committed relationship if you’d be willing to.
But for whatever reason, the two of you are just never in the same place. The time isn’t right, and life just gets in the way.
In this scenario, what could you do? Would you completely give up the first woman in favor of the second? Of course not.
Why would you? If things don’t work out with the first woman, you have your ‘fallback girl.’ She’s always been there for you, so why would anything change now?
You have everything to gain and nothing to lose by pursuing the first woman.
When you think of it this way, are your ‘nice guy’ behaviors causing you to have the same problem? Is your open availability why you’re always seen as the fallback guy? It most certainly is.
The easiest thing you can do to start combating the problem is to realize that it is not your job or responsibility to always be there for people. You can — and should — say “no” when necessary.
5. Showoff Your Newfound Value And Use It To Attract New Women Into Your Life
If you commit to focusing on the three pillars mentioned above, you’ll inevitably see improvement at some point.
If you’re going to the gym, have clearly outlined your career path, and are expanding your social experiences, you’ll be well on your way to raising your value as a man.
Not only will you be in better shape, but you’ll feel better emotionally. You’ll have a newfound purpose because you’re working toward your goals. You’ll feel happy and optimistic about the future.
At this point, transferring your newfound energy and sense of purpose to the dating world is critical. Unfortunately, this can sometimes be difficult, especially if you’ve conditioned yourself to be treated poorly by women in the past.
Things are different now, though. That guy you were before? Say goodbye to him. Always remember where you came from, but never let your past self dictate your future.
It’s natural to fall back into old habits because they’re comfortable. The pain of past experiences might be terrible, but the fear of the unknown can be equally — or more — overwhelming.
The prospect of pursuing women you spent your entire life thinking were ‘out of your league can be intimidating, but you must push yourself. After all, that was the point of all the work, wasn’t it?
And yes, regularly going to the gym, eating right, focusing on your career goals, and challenging yourself to experience new things can pale compared to cold approaching an attractive, high-value woman you see in public.
But you MUST push yourself. Practice is everything, and the only way you’ll improve your dating prowess is by doing the things that make you uncomfortable.
Understand that you were the second choice with women because you relegated yourself to that role — but that’s over now. It’s time to forget about the past and the women that once occupied your time.
Will it be intimidating the first time you approach a beautiful woman? Absolutely. But you know what? The second time will be easier. And the third time will be easier than that.
And with enough practice, you won’t even hesitate after a while. And the more you do it, the better you’ll be at it. You’ll be more relaxed and confident, and your approach will be smoother.
That will lead to new connections with women. Not only that, but these women will see your true value and what you can bring to a potential relationship.
6. Broaden Your Romantic Horizons And Have an Abundance Lifestyle
You probably spent most of your life operating with a scarcity mindset. This mindset allowed you to tolerate being second choice for so long.
Because you believed that romantic relationships were hard to come by, you allowed yourself to fill the role of the ‘fallback’ guy. These women were the best you could do, so you allowed them to take advantage of you.
Again, what’s done is done, and it’s time to move on now.
The ball is in your court, and you owe it to yourself to explore all available options.
I don’t believe self-discovery ever truly ends. It’s never too late to try new things and expose yourself to things you once only dreamed of.
And that is especially true with women and romance. Just because you’re used to dating a particular type of woman doesn’t mean you must continue doing so.
You CAN change.
I’ve had clients who came to me wearing shorts and a t-shirt who now own a wardrobe full of three-piece suits. They travel to places they never used to, consume an entirely different diet, and live a lifestyle unrecognizable from the one they used to.
And they’re experiencing all this with exotic, high-value women that they would have never even had the courage to approach back in the day.
The point is: Get out there, embrace different experiences, and do it all with unique women who can give you a different perspective than what you’re used to.
7. Fill Up Your Schedule With Habits That Makes You Stronger And Stop Being Available All The Time
Even after fully embracing your newfound worth, old habits can die hard.
Going back to what I said earlier about expanding your social life, one of the easiest ways to stop being that guy ‘who’s always there’ is to, well, not always be there.
You were the second choice because you’re reliable and always available. Even if you’re now dating different types of women, you may have conditioned yourself to fall into this role.
We have direct control over how other people treat us. Now, that may seem obvious, but you might be guilty of allowing certain people to take advantage of you without even realizing it.
“Can you pick me up from the gym?” Of course, you can, and little requests and favors like this are usually not a big deal and should be expected as part of the give-and-take of any committed relationship.
The problem is that these requests sometimes add up to the point that you have no control over your own time.
Have you ever had a boss who was never satisfied and constantly asked you to do more work? Was it your boss or yourself who was responsible for enabling his behavior?
You were new to the job and wanted to be accommodating, right? So you never said ‘no’ because you wanted to get in his good graces.
Over time, though, your boss started burying you with his requests. Meanwhile, you felt odd refusing because you never said ‘no.’
It’s the same thing with romantic relationships. You must do something to disrupt the status quo and demonstrate that you will not always be there when called.
Yes, you must be attentive, caring, loving, and helpful, but you cannot inconvenience yourself for the sake of other people; this will just breed resentment in the long run.
So, if you want to be the type of man with women lining up to spend time with you, you must make it clear that your time is valuable.
A high-value man is busy. His time is precious. Every waking moment is productive and set toward achieving a goal. You must embrace this mentality to become a high-value man who dates high-value women.
In short, the path to overcome being the second choice with women is simple. Follow the steps outlined above, raise your value in the dating economy, and the rest will fall into line.
Remember, it’s your behaviors that dictate how other people treat you. If you’re sick of being treated like a backup plan, transform yourself into the type of man that women would be crazy to pass up on.
When you demonstrate your unique energy, value, and what you can bring to a relationship, you won’t have the time or inclination to cater to any woman who doesn’t value you for who you are
And remember: dating is a constant learning experience; the more practice you have, the easier it will become.
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