In modern dating, the distinction between chasing and pursuing a woman is a subtle yet crucial one.
Consider the following:
- A large number of men feel uncertain about the right way to approach women, often blurring the lines between pursuit and chase.
- Many relationships falter due to misunderstandings about intentions and methods of approach.
- A significant portion of dating advice emphasizes the importance of confidence and self-assuredness, contrasting sharply with behaviors marked by desperation and insecurity.
- Surveys suggest that women tend to find confidence and self-assuredness attractive, while perceiving desperation and over-eagerness as unattractive traits.
Despite living in an era of unprecedented connectivity and social interaction, many men find themselves adrift in the sea of modern dating, grappling with questions like:
“What’s the right way to show interest in a woman? How do I avoid coming off as desperate? What’s the secret to being attractive?”
These questions, if left unaddressed, can spiral into a cycle of low self-confidence and rejection. On one hand, the desire to form meaningful connections drives men to reach out, yet on the other, being afraid of rejection holds them back.
Chasing, in this context, is a one-sided pursuit marked by desperation and insecurity. It’s often characterized by excessive texting, over-eagerness to please, and a lack of self-respect. This behavior, rather than drawing someone closer, often pushes them away, as it displays a lack of confidence and self-assuredness.
Conversely, pursuing a woman with confidence and respect is a different ballgame.
It’s about expressing genuine desire without desperation and maintaining a balance between showing affection and respecting boundaries. It’s about being self-assured, not self-centered, confident, not arrogant.
This approach not only reflects strength and confidence but also respects the individuality and autonomy of the woman.
By shedding light on these differences and learning to navigate the fine line between chasing and pursuing, you will become the leading man in your life, no longer reliant on the fleeting whims of the women you take an interest in.
Today, I’m going to show you the difference between being a chaser and being a pursuer.
Let’s jump in.
What Does it Mean to Chase a Woman?
The man who chases a woman is operating from a place of weakness, desperate for any sign of attention from the woman he’s interested in.
He calls her every day, texts her multiple times throughout the day, and obsesses over every perceived sign of interest or lack of interest he gets from her. He’s constantly checking his phone to see if she’s read his messages or replied to him.
He’s living in his insecurity, fear, and lack of confidence that he is a high-value man who can retain a high-value woman.
On her end, in spite of her lack of response, she might be interested in him.
Maybe she’s busy with work, friends, or family.
Maybe she’s going through a hard time and doesn’t have the social energy to invest in communicating.
And maybe she isn’t interested at all.
Regardless, she can see that his reaction to her lack of attention is to chase after her.
He isn’t giving her any room to breathe, so she runs away, fueling his insecurities and causing him to chase her even harder, creating a vicious cycle where both sides end up unhappy.
She begins to doubt his value as a prospect, his chasing coming across as a sign of desperation, causing her desire to quickly wane. She might be asking herself questions like:
- What is making him act from desperation?
- Are other women not interested in him?
- Is there something “wrong” with him?
- Did I make a mistake in showing him attention?
All of these potential questions contribute to an environment where the man is actively inhibiting his own goal of garnering the woman’s time and attention.
This unfortunate situation could have been avoided if the man had taken the route of pursuit over chasing.
So, what’s the difference between chasing and pursuing?
2. What Does it Mean to Pursue a Woman?
The man who pursues a woman is operating from a place of strength, secure in the value he brings to the table.
He reaches out to her when he wants to and responds to her when he has time. He isn’t worried about whether or not he is going to receive a response.
He’s living in his sense of self-worth, his confidence, and isn’t reliant on other people to support those qualities.
The man who pursues does not need to chase women, because he doesn’t need to seek validation in a relationship. He’s on the hunt for high value women.
He’s looking for a partner who has a mutual interest in him. Someone who can respect his boundaries and personal needs. He’s comfortable with taking his time to find the woman who’s going to be the right fit for him.
As an example, let’s say a man named Mark goes out on a dinner date with a woman named Katie. During the date things go relatively well; there’s conversation, there’s sparks, and there’s clearly mutual interest in each other. The next day, Mark reaches out to Katie with the intent of letting her know he had a good time over dinner and is looking forward to seeing her again. Several days go by and Mark does not receive a response.
Now, what should Mark do in this situation?
He could take the route of the chaser and continue to reach out to Katie every day he does not receive a response, thinking that by continuing to show desire, she’ll “change her mind” and write him back.
OR Mark could simply let it be, secure in the fact that even if he never hears from Katie again, he’s a man of value who deserves mutual respect and communication and he hasn’t lost anything by not receiving a response.
Meanwhile, he’s defining himself to Katie as a man of confidence who understands the value he holds, increasing the likelihood she’ll find herself attracted to him.
The Importance of Self-Respect and How it Relates to Pursuing Women
Having a strong understanding of our relationship with ourselves is critical, because the relationship we have with ourselves is a defining factor in our relationships with others.
Chasing after a woman who actively is not showing interest in what you bring to the table speaks to your own self-perception of being a low value man. It speaks to a mentality of desperation, a self-limiting belief that your options are limited and that you can’t let go of someone who isn’t showing you the respect and desire you rightly deserve.
Consider the following benefits of cultivating a strong sense of self-respect:
- Reduced Desperation: A man with self-respect is less likely to act out of desperation or fear of loss, avoiding the pitfalls of chasing behavior. This is crucial in distinguishing between chasing and pursuing, as it highlights the importance of not letting fear or insecurity dictate one’s actions in the pursuit of a relationship.
- Enhanced Self-Esteem: Self-respect increases your sense of self-esteem, making you less reliant on external validation, particularly from romantic interests. This point directly addresses the need for internal validation over external, a key theme in the differentiation between chasing and pursuing.
- Genuine Confidence: Self-respect fosters authentic confidence, which is attractive and evident in your demeanor and approach. This aligns with the article’s emphasis on confidence versus desperation, underlining the attractiveness of genuine confidence in the pursuit process.
- Emotional Resilience: Self-respect equips you to handle rejection or lack of interest with grace, viewing it as a part of the dating process, not a personal failure. This point is essential for understanding the healthy dynamics of pursuit and the importance of maintaining self-respect and composure in the face of potential rejection.
Dating in the modern world can translate to a difficult time for many people, but when you are living in a strong sense of respect for yourself, you’ll be able to watch that journey get easier.
When to Pursue and When to Take a Step Back
It’s important to understand that what separates chasing after a girl and the pursuit of a girl relies heavily on the attraction she has toward you.
When we desire someone, it can be easy to get lost in the feelings we have surrounding the person, but it’s important to take a step back and evaluate the situation from an objective standpoint.
There are common traps many guys fall into that end up moving them away from the healthy pursuit they’re aiming for.
Let’s break down some of the red flags to watch out for.
1. She’s Disinterested in Conversation
If you frequently find that your conversations seem one-sided, with her showing little to no enthusiasm or engagement, it’s a sign to reevaluate.
Reciprocity is critical for healthy communication between two individuals. Consider the following common interactions guys come across when they’re chasing a girl who isn’t interested in them:
- Are you sending her good morning and good night texts every day but not getting the same messages in return?
- Are you asking her about how her day went and being told “it was fine”?
- Is she not asking you any questions about yourself?
- Are you the only one in the relationship who initiates conversations?
All of these are obvious signs that the woman you’re interested in is not interested in you. Continuing to chase after her is living in the hope that you might “win her over” with your persistence, but research shows that this is actively harmful to your mental health.
Conversely, a woman who wants you to pursue her is going to show you she wants to talk. She’ll ask you about your day, getting to know your interests will matter to her, and you won’t find yourself second guessing if you’re going to hear from her.
Don’t let yourself get caught up in self-examination when a girl you like isn’t reciprocating conversation. Instead, stop pursuing, move on, and spend your valuable time pursuing women who are going to match your energy in the relationship.
2. You’re Afraid to Make the First Move
Often, a critical aspect in successfully pursuing women is making the first move to initiate a romantic connection. The average woman likes to be pursued and will give you obvious signs that she wants you to initiate that connection with her.
There are a variety of things you can look out for to know if you’re in a situation where a girl wants you to make a move on her, such as her body language, her happiness when you’re around, and how much back and forth conversation and talking the two of you do.
But ultimately, if you’re the kind of guy who understands what it means to pursue women, the above isn’t going to matter. You might be in a situation where she’s completely oblivious to your interest in taking things to the next level with her until you make that next step.
Think about the old adages that “a nice guy finishes last” and “bad boys get all girls”. While these are overgeneralizations that do not account for the nuances of modern dating, there is still some truth in them.
Those “bad boys” aren’t living in a fear of romantic rejection. They’re out there shooting their shot and hoping for the best, and when one of those shots misses, they shrug their shoulders and move on to the next target.
Meanwhile, the “nice guy” is often the type to live in fear of romantic rejection. He’s mindful of how she might be affected by his behavior and afraid of crossing a line or disrespecting her boundaries. He’s living in the mentality that he’s not like “other guys” because he “respects women” but in reality, he’s so tuned out of his own masculinity he’s diminishing his ability to achieve the results he wants.
Remember, a key difference between chasing and pursuing is to let go of your fear of being rejected. Accept that not everyone is going to be for you, shoot your shot with confidence, and that woman of your dreams is going to be one step closer.
3. Lack of Physical Affection
While every individual’s comfort level with physical affection differs, a complete absence might signal a lack of romantic interest. If your attempts at physical closeness are not reciprocated or are met with discomfort, it can be a clear signal that she just isn’t into you.
The idea here is that if she’s attracted to you, one of the clearest signs a guy can watch out for is the little moments of physical interaction.
When she sees you, does she want a hug? Does that hug linger, or is it a quick in and out interaction?
Do you catch her looking at you when you’re together, or is her attention always on something else, like her phone?
One of the most important aspects of understanding the difference between chasing and pursuit is the man’s ability to pick up on the signals the women he desires are giving him. Remember, women like to be pursued by the men they take an interest in.
Which leads us into…
Strategies to Pursue High-Value Women
Chasing vs pursuing is a fine line to walk, but with the right strategies at your disposal you can master it in no time.
Here are a few key things to keep in mind:
1. Self Confidence is Key
The main thing to keep in mind when pursuing a woman is your relationship with yourself is critical to your success.
Ask yourself this: Do you want a woman who constantly doubts herself? Someone who needs constant validation from others is an exhausting person to be with, and by putting that emotional labor on you they’d be killing any spark you could have had.
Now flip it.
A woman who is presented with a man who uses her as his source of validation isn’t going to find herself attracted to him, because a man who can’t live in an honest understanding of his own value isn’t bringing his value to the table.
Beyond this, it’s important to have an understanding of where your value is coming from. It could be a good career, a patient mind and heart, financial security, a rocking body, a comfortable, established home, a strong sense of values, or any number of other things.
If you’re trying to think of the things you bring to the table in a relationship and are finding yourself coming up short, it might be time to reevaluate your life and what you’re doing with it before you start your pursuit.
2. Give Her Room to Breathe
When starting the complicated dance of courtship with women, one area that men end up fumbling consistently is how much space to give.
If you want to increase your chances of success it’s important to understand women need ample space to evaluate their potential partners between interactions. Especially if you’re still in the talking stage, she’s likely to be evaluating things like your values, how much money you earn, how much fun she’s having engaging with you, and other qualities you possess.
It’s important to remember that women predominantly have more potential romantic options than men. In a way that touches on her primordial roots, she’s selecting a mate from a list of potential suitors. If you put too much pressure on her before you’ve become an established part of her world, she’s likely to pull away.
It’s best to shoot your shot and let the chips fall where they may. Remember, the key here is that if you and her are going to happen it’s because she chose you.
3. Don’t Get Ahead of Yourself
It’s easy to fall into thinking about the potential life you could share with someone. You’re interested in these women for a reason- you see potential for fun, a partner who shares your values, or even the woman of your dreams.
But for any of that to happen you have to stand firmly in the reality of where your relationship with each other stands. It’s important to take a step back and meet her on her level. If you’re just some guy she barely knows and you’re sitting across from her planning your wedding together, it’s going to create the exact pressure that turns women off in the early stages.
When you’re trying to pursue a woman, you have to keep up with the pace she’s establishing. If you come after her too hard, too quickly then you aren’t pursuing her, you’re chasing her. By the same token, if you aren’t keeping up with her level of interest, you might find her attraction for you start to wane as she shifts her focus to other guys who will give her the attention she needs.
As we’ve said repeatedly in this article, confidence is key. Bring your value to the table, show her what you have on offer, and the right women will embrace your pursuit with open arms.
Are You Ready to Stop Chasing and Start Achieving?
The real difference between chasing and pursuing is all about how you position yourself. It’s less about others’ reactions and more about how you value yourself in your relationships.
If you’re ready to elevate your approach and connect with the woman of your dreams, we’re here to guide you.
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