As men, it’s natural for us to compare to one another. Whether it’s relationships, careers, or socio-economic status, we constantly look at what we have (or don’t have) compared to others.
Generally, there isn’t anything wrong with making comparisons. Most men argue that these comparisons drive growth. Look at the economy, for example. Individuals, businesses, and brands compare themselves constantly. And it is these comparisons that lead to healthy competition, and that competition then leads to growth.
However, there is a serious problem when men fall into “The Comparison Trap.” It can be very unhealthy when they become obsessed with an idealized version of themselves and juxtapose that image with others.
For example, let’s take gym reels. And let’s say you’re a man who doesn’t work out very often. You open up any social media feed, and you’ll undoubtedly see hundreds of built, muscular men lifting weights that the average guy could only dream of.
If you fall into the comparison trap, you might look at these men with envy and develop an inferiority complex. After all, these guys must have been hitting the weights for years to get that big. How could you ever possibly hope to catch up?
How could your level of masculinity ever co\mpare with these guys?
If you spend enough time on social media, you’ll probably believe everyone spends four hours a day at the gym. Everyone except you, that is.
But, statistically speaking, most men don’t even exercise at all. In fact, only around 20% — or 1 in 5 men — exercise regularly. So, if you just go to the gym for 20 minutes a day and do a few reps, that alone will put you ahead of 80% of the men out there.
Of course, you’d never know if you fall into the comparison trap. You’d go on blindly believing that something is wrong with you. And why? Because you watched a couple of reels on Instagram?
A man must be aware of how comparison traps can skew his outlook on life. Today, we will discuss two such comparison traps that you’re probably familiar with: 1) comparing yourself with others and 2) comparing a woman to an ex-girlfriend or other women.
Both of these situations can significantly impact one’s self-esteem and mental well-being. To remain grounded, headstrong, and confident, a man must know how comparisons can negatively affect his perspective and sense of self-worth.
If you try to recognize these traps and actively work to avoid them, you can maintain a realistic and healthy view of yourself and others.
The Male-To-Male Comparison Trap: How To Recognize Your Unique Self-Worth
As you’re probably well aware, we, as men, are competitive creatures. Despite what you may believe because of pop culture, an intrinsic competitiveness permeates everything we do.
From dating to interpersonal relationships to the corporate office, men often compete with and compare themselves to each other in order to get ahead.
The problem is constantly comparing yourself to other men glosses over your self-worth. No other man on the planet is as unique as you are. You can bring things to a relationship or work environment that no other man can.
Understanding The Trap
The first question you must ask yourself is, “Am I chasing something unobtainable?” And if you are, ask yourself why.
Now, I’ll be the first to admit that there’s a very short list of things men genuinely can’t achieve. However, sometimes we find ourselves chasing things for the wrong reason.
We often do this subconsciously, without ever taking a moment to stop and examine our actions. I can’t even count the number of men I’ve met who’ve been obsessed with chasing wealth.
While a select few are businessmen types who dream of owning a private jet and vacationing on Richard Branson’s private island, most don’t care about any of that.
In fact, their obsession with material wealth is more about attracting women than it is about sports cars or million-dollar mansions. So why are these men actively chasing something they don’t want? Simple: they fell into the comparison trap.
They saw other men with lots of wealth surrounded by beautiful women and convinced themselves that to be an attractive man, they had to be rich. Of course, this is far from the truth, and as anyone who rolls in these social circles can tell you, some of the wealthiest men out there are also the loneliest.
Social media often amplify these delusions. What so many people need to realize is that social media does not show you an accurate representation of reality. It shows you the bits and pieces these content creators want to show you to make them feel better about themselves.
Just think about it for a second. What do these influencers always tell you? “Like and follow” for more. Like and follow so you can worship them (and drive yourself crazy trying to emulate them).
And look, there’s nothing wrong with having a role model or someone you admire, but you need to embrace who you are first and foremost.
If you’re an average-sized man who doesn’t like going to the gym, don’t convince yourself that you need to start taking steroids and build a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Be content with who you are, and work to your strengths.
By all means, get in shape because that is one of the easiest things a man can do to increase his attractiveness to the opposite sex. Just do it in a way that feels right, not because you’re comparing yourself to other men.
Be aware of who you are and what your unique value is, and then put in the work to amplify those traits. But never do anything for the sake of comparing yourself to someone else.
Why The Trap Is So Detrimental
If you’ve read my other writings, you’ll know I’m big on confidence. And it’s no secret that confidence is one of the most important things a man can have to increase his attractiveness to women.
Well, when you spend your days measuring yourself against others, the only thing you’re doing is breeding feelings of inadequacy. Real leaders, real pioneers, chart their own path.
Do you think Elon Musk wakes up in the morning thinking about what other billionaire entrepreneurs are doing? Absolutely not. He’s too busy planning his next move to worry about what everyone else is up to.
And again, you can’t compare yourself to the highlight reels of other people’s lives. And I’m not just talking about social media here.
Have you ever met a couple who just seemed SO happy together? The type of people who were so madly in love they couldn’t help but tell you all the stories about how they met and their big plans for the future are?
And then what happened? They split. Broke up out of nowhere. And then it came to light that these “happy” people were at each other’s throats for months. Of course, everyone is shocked by this. Why? Because everyone was looking at the highlight reel.
Don’t be that person. Be strong and wise enough to see through the facade people like to show the world. Don’t limit your happiness by what others do. Embrace your alpha energy and have the strength and conviction to walk your own path.
The Female Comparison Pitfall: How To Appreciate Each Woman’s Unique Identity And Value
At the same time, you might feel the comparison trap creep up in your romantic relationships. When this happens, it will affect not only your perception of your partner but will most definitely strain the relationship.
This comparison trap usually manifests itself in one of two ways for men. Either a man constantly compares the woman he’s dating to an ex-girlfriend, or he compares her to other women and is overly critical of her shortcomings.
If You Find Yourself Comparing Your Current Partner To Your Ex-Girlfriend
I know that getting over an ex-girlfriend (or getting back together with her) can be tricky. Whatever you choose to do in that regard is up to you, but one thing you must never do is convince yourself that you can morph your current girlfriend into your ex.
The woman you’re dating and the women you’ve dated in the past are not the same, and you must never try to convince yourself otherwise.
Just like you, the woman you’re dating has her own unique strengths and weaknesses. Either embrace her for who she is or accept that you’re incompatible and move on. But whatever you do, avoid falling down the pit of playing the comparison game.
You can only have a healthy relationship if you appreciate and accept the woman you’re dating for who she is.
If You Find Yourself Comparing Your Girlfriend To Other Women
Alternatively, you may compare your girlfriend in a general sense to other women you know or encounter throughout your life. This comparison is equally damaging, as it creates unrealistic expectations that can never be met.
The first obvious thing that comes to mind is porn. So many men out there are suffering from a porn addiction but are unwilling to acknowledge it. Similar to the social media problem I mentioned above, they believe that the things they see on the screen indicate real life when that is furthest from the truth.
Then, societal norms, media portrayals of relationships, or personal insecurities come into play. Men become so obsessed with what society conditions them to believe about love and relationships that they cannot distinguish fiction from reality.
One of the biggest fallacies people face is the belief that, with enough pressure, they can force their partners to change. Unfortunately, this just isn’t the case. To be clear, people can change, but that change has to come from within.
You can’t go through life wishing that your girlfriend or wife is more like this woman or that woman. You can’t create unreasonable comparisons with idealized versions of reality. You must embrace the woman standing right before you and love her for who she is.
5 Ways To Avoid The Pitfull, Embrace Your Alpha Potential, And Chart Your Path
If you’ve read this far and realized that you are falling into the comparison trap, here’s how you fix the problem. A few simple mindset shifts can help you embrace a more grounded view of reality.
Acknowledge And Address Your Insecurities:
Look, the first thing you must do is confront the elephant in the room: your insecurities. Men should be content with who they are and not waste time comparing themselves to others.
If everything in your life is viewed as one extensive comparison, ask yourself why that is. Is it a matter of personal insecurity? Are you feeling inadequate in your career, relationship, or physical appearance? While these feelings are common, facing them head-on is necessary to grow.
Once you’ve identified your insecurities, you need to address them. And understand that this does not mean you must become the best at everything. Instead of trying to improve yourself for the sake of showing off, set personal goals that will help you improve for your own sake.
And beyond that, understand that your value as a man doesn’t diminish just because someone else excels in certain areas. Chances are, these other men you’ve put on a pedestal aren’t any more gifted or talented than you are; they’re just a few steps ahead of you.
Cultivate A Growth Mindset
The growth mindset revolves around the belief that abilities and intelligence can be developed over time. In other words, instead of thinking, “I’ll never be as successful as him,” you need to reframe that as, “What can I learn from this man’s success?”
To cultivate a growth mindset, you must embrace the idea that setbacks are not failures but growth opportunities. People often label themselves perfectionists and use that as an excuse for stagnating. This flawed mindset is what stops many men from trying something new in the first place.
Instead of focusing on perfection, focus on progress. Take a proactive approach to learning and personal development and understand that failure only happens when you give up; everything up to that point is just progress.
(If you want to take a deep dive into mindset, check out my podcast episode with Dr. Carol Dweck, the award-winning psychologist who first brought attention to the issue.)
Understand That Your Life Is Your Journey — And Yours ALONE
Every man’s journey is unique. Throughout our lives, we will all have our challenges and triumphs. Recognizing and valuing your unique experiences is vital to avoiding comparison traps.
What’s important to you might not be important to others. What is important to someone you’re idolizing might not resonate with you. Everyone is different, and that’s okay.
What matters is that your achievements mean something to you. It’s your life, your journey, and you should never waste time worshiping someone else. If you see guys on YouTube deadlifting 400, but you just broke 200 for the first time, that’s an achievement you should be proud of.
Remember, people, especially women, value when a man is genuine to himself. Be yourself, embrace where you’re at on your journey, and everything else will fall in line in time.
Limit “Comparison Triggers”
As mentioned, social media can be a major trigger for false comparisons in the digital age. And when you’re constantly bombarded with inflated and exaggerated images and videos, it can be easy to fall victim to the comparison trap.
One simple thing you can do is be mindful that what you see isn’t real. It’s a hyper-inflated version of reality that has been carefully curated for the sake of getting likes and attention.
Beyond that, be careful of the content you choose to engage with. If you let it, social media can be a source of great inspiration and education. It can also be a breeding ground for feelings of inadequacy.
And understand that it isn’t just social media that causes problems. Certain friends, the workplace, or even family gatherings can act as triggers. You may be unable to avoid these situations, but you can change your perspective.
When you’re completely confident in who you are as a man, it won’t matter what you’re exposed to or who you’re surrounded by; you’ll be able to remain steadfast and confident in all situations.
Seek Professional Guidance
With all that in mind, the comparison trap may become a pervasive part of your life that isn’t easy to break free from. The good news is that you are far from the first man to ever suffer with this issue.
Having professional guidance — especially when that guidance comes from men who have worked through the same issues you’re now facing — can have a life-altering impact.
Even though we are sometimes conditioned to believe that strength means going it alone, real strength is measured by your ability to ask for help when needed.
Escaping The Comparison Trap For Good
If you’re living in a constant shadow where you compare yourself or the ones you love to others, it’s time to take serious action.
At Knowledge for Men, we pride ourselves on providing real-world solutions for men suffering from real-world problems.
My team of coaches and I can deliver tailored, actionable steps for you to take control of your life, embrace your full potential, and escape the self-imposed shadows you’re living in.
I can guarantee you the journey will not be easy, but it will be rewarding. This isn’t a place for complainers or those looking for the easy way out. Unless you’re ready to give this program your all, please do us both a favor and look elsewhere.
But if you’re ready to commit to our teachings, apply yourself, and put in the work, you may become the man you once only dreamed of being.
If you’re ready to stop comparing yourself to others and start holding yourself up to your own standards, now is the time to act.