I couldn’t breathe.
My knuckles were white as I clenched the steering wheel of my beat-up Honda with all of the strength I could muster.
“How could she do this to me!” I screamed.
“I loved her so much…can’t she see how much this hurts?”
Earlier that day I’d met up with my girlfriend for what I had thought would be our normal fun date night.
But the second I saw her, I knew something was wrong. She wasn’t acting like herself. She was cold…distant…strange.
I asked her what was wrong and, before she could open her mouth, my gut tightened into a knot, my hands sweating, and my face flushed white.
“Andrew…” she said, as gently as she could, “I don’t think we’re going to work out. I think we should go our separate ways.”
I had felt this was coming for weeks. I didn’t want to admit it, but subconsciously, I knew something wasn’t right between us all this time.
And just like that… all the dates, laughs, sex, experiences came crashing down and the love of my life wanted to leave me.
I called in sick to work the next three days, unable to peel myself out of bed or make it more than three hours without breaking down uncontrollably.
My whole life was crumbling down around me and I was convinced that I would never find a woman “like her” ever again.
The breakup fueled my growing sense of hopelessness and desperation. The false narratives began. I told myself that I was a broken man. That no one would ever love me again. That I was doomed to die alone, heartbroken, and single.
For months I wallowed in my grief and self-pity, barely holding down my job and drinking myself to sleep wallowing in despair.
Then after a month, late at night, I was tossing and turning unable to fall asleep falling into a deeper hole thinking this pain would never dissipate when I was struck with a life changing epiphany.
What if you used this pain to fuel an even greater life?
For the first time in weeks I felt a pulse of empowerment rush through my veins.
Then it hit me…
“The adversity you’re going through can either destroy you or be the catalyst for unprecedented success. You get to pick the narrative.”
And in that moment, I decided to change. To have the courage to become the man I always wanted to be, go after my dreams and build the life I wanted.
I realized that all of the pain I was experiencing could either break me or build me into a more Grounded and fulfilled man.
It didn’t happen overnight, but one day at a time, I started to transform myself.
I quit my soul-sucking retail job and started an online business that I was passionate about. I dove headfirst into the world of social dynamics, educating myself about attraction and social dynamics and learning how to be more grounded and confident with high-quality women. I started hitting the gym harder than I ever had in my life and overtime, the man I became was completely unrecognizable from my former self.
I was running a thriving business, in the best shape of my life, facing my fears daily and dating the types women most men only dream of.
More importantly…I was actually grateful for the breakup I experienced. It taught me invaluable lessons about love, life, and my identity as a man. It forced me to grow, to evolve, and to transform myself from the inside out. It lit a fire under my ass and gave me the wake up call I needed to transform every area of my life for the better.
And, if you will take action on what I’m about to share with you, your breakup–as devastating as it may seem–can do the same for you.
If the love of your life has left you…if you’re reeling with anger, depression and confusion and wondering how the hell you’re going to rebuild your life after a breakup and find the love you lost with someone else…I understand your pain.
I’ve been there. I know how it feels.
But I also know that it doesn’t have to stay this way.
You can overcome the pain you’re experiencing right now. You can learn how to get over someone…how to let go of someone you love…how to get over your ex girlfriend, become strong grounded man and live an extraordinary life filled with incredible experiences with women who appreciate and love you just as much–if not more–than your ex ever did.
Mark my words – You can move on and find love again.
It won’t be easy. And it won’t happen overnight. But if you want to learn how to get over a girl and move on from your ex girlfriend…I can show you.
Let’s dive in.
Your Defining Moment as a Man and the Three Paths in Front of You after a Break-Up
Before we dive into the nitty-gritty tactics and I teach you how to move on from an ex, we must first address an often overlooked point about breakups and loss.
The way you handle a breakup will, for better or worse, be one of your defining moments as a man.
When caught in the throes of a breakup, it’s easy to spiral out of control and fall prey to countless vices, distractions, and toxic mindsets. If you aren’t careful, one bad breakup can damage your views of women, connection, and love, resulting in years of unnecessary heartache and cynicism.
When men “lose out” on the love of their life and experience the ending of a relationship they thought would last forever, they are often tempted to say “Fuck it! My life is over and I’ll never find love again.” And, if allowed to go unchecked, this toxic belief will permeate every aspect of their world view and result in unending workaholism to “prove their worth”, an insatiable sexual appetite (sleeping around with dozens of women with zero connection to fill the hole left by their ex girlfriend), existential anxiety, depression, and, in extreme cases, violence.
So before you can learn how to get over a girl you thought you would marry or move on from an ex, you must understand what’s really at stake.
To do this, I want to illustrate the three paths to “recovery” that most men pursue conscious or not following a breakup using three men (loosely based on men I personally know) Luke, Garrett, and Daniel.
Despite the fact that all three men experienced the exact same event–the love of their life leaving them–the way they chose to respond to that event diverges wildly into three distinct paths.
First, we have Garrett, who chose the Path of Desperation.
His “drug of choice” is not alcohol, marijuana or cocaine, but false hope, disbelief, and self-flagellation.
His real “high” came from a false hope that he could somehow “win back” his ex…a denial of what had happened and the perverse feeling of self-pity caused by his belief that he had “lost” a love he could never find again.
For months, he called and texted his ex girlfriend every day, apologizing for his mistakes and promising to do better. He kept photos of her saved on his phone and held onto an old shirt she left at his house as a “token” of the relationship and regularly cried himself to sleep while holding it and wishing she would take him back.
When she blocked his number, he decided to go to her doorstep drunk and incoherent, professing his love and begging her to take him back on his knees.
Although she’d still loved him when their relationship ended and even considered getting back with him…his needy and desperate attitude drove her further and further away…confirming that she had made the right choice and dodged a massive bullet – a weak nice guy.
At night, he spent his time going through her social media accounts, “liking” old photos, and sending her drunken emotional texts followed by angry messages whenever he saw a new post that included her enjoying her life. When she finally made her social accounts “Private”, he created fake accounts so he could continue virtually stalking her.
He even went as far as to use her Instagram and Snapchat stories to figure out where she was on the weekends so he could “accidentally” bump into her and try, once again, to plead with her.
With every rejection, he grew more and more desperate. Instead of healing from the ordeal and moving on from the ex girlfriend, he worsened the pain with each failed attempt feeling like another breakup. Denial, anger, bargaining, and eventually depression became the predominant emotions ruling his life.
After months of rejection and threats of a restraining order, he fell into a deep sea of self-loathing and pity.
He believed that he “missed out” on his one chance to find true love and, instead of learning from the experience and working to grow as a man…he reacted to the break up with neediness, weakness and a lack of self respect for himself.
Unable to take his mind off his lost lover, he didn’t try to meet new women and wasted nearly four years of his life believing that she was “The best I’ll ever have.”
He was not made stronger by the adversity he faced…he was broken by it losing a decade of his life in constant struggle.
Next, we have Luke…who chose the Path of Destruction.
Following his breakup, Luke felt lost, alone, and frustrated. Instead of acknowledging the painful emotions he was experiencing, he decided to handle the pain of the breakup by going down a path of self-destruction.
The emotional fallout was too much for him to handle. He did not do the deep internal work to process his emotions and heal from the break up in a healthy way and so….he tried to escape and forget what happened by turning to drugs, alcohol, porn, and meaningless sex with women he didn’t care for.
Despite the fact that he was primarily responsible for the separation, he wasted all of his time and energy blaming his ex girlfriend for the way their relationship ended….incessantly bitching to anyone who would listen and writing vitriol filled social media posts about what a “bitch” she was and how “glad” he is to have her out of his life (even though nothing could be further from the truth). His anger did nothing but further poison his own life and prevent him from recovering from the break up.
Slowly but surely, his drug abuse and rampant womanizing started to affect other areas of his life. His performance at work began to suffer. Because of his toxic and bitter attitude, his friends started to withdrawal–driving him to double down on his vices. He started gaining weight from skipping workouts, eating unhealthy foods to cope and his excessive alcohol consumption. His unhealthy habits only served to fuel the growing fires of depression, anxiety, and worthlessness.
Within a few months, he was unemployed, living on his brother’s, and addicted to alcohol, porn, and countless other distractions.
As extreme as this example might sound, I’ve seen this exact scenario play out in the lives of many friends and acquaintances throughout the years. Without a clear plan of recovery, self-destruction can become your default setting and lead you to waste years of your life hiding from the pain of your breakup instead of facing it and moving on from an ex girlfriend.
Both Luke and Garrett allowed their breakup to become the (negatively) defining moment of their life…they allowed it to rob them of their power as men…to leave them heartbroken and weaker instead of using it to grow stronger.
Daniel, however, chose a different path…The Path of Growth.
Although Daniel was equally as devastated by his breakup, he soon realized that the paths of destruction and desperation would stunt his growth as a man and prevent him from experiencing true healing.
While he was emotionally wounded by the breakup with his ex girlfriend, he didn’t allow his emotions to control his response indefinitely.
Yes, he spent the first month after the breakup in denial (as we all do). Upon accepting what happened, he became angry at himself, his ex, and the world…but knew that this anger would accomplish nothing.
He never spoke ill of his ex-lover and (as much as he wanted to) never pined over her, or begged her to take him back.
Instead, he wished his ex girlfriend the best (both externally and internally). Despite his wishes, he knew that maintaining contact with her would lead to unnecessary pain and prolonged heartbreak and decided to not call or text her until he was emotionally and spiritually ready to resume a platonic friendship…if that. The day after their breakup, he packed up all of her belongings and any gifts or “reminders” that would slow down the healing process and left them at her front door with a heartfelt note of appreciation and gratitude for the good times they shared.
Instead of turning to drugs, alcohol, porn, and new women, he decided to spend six months working on himself and staying single so he could process his emotions carefully and learn from the lessons of the breakup with his ex. He meditated on his past relationships, journaled about the experience–detailing faults of his own, the problems with compatibility, and the lessons he will carry with him into the next relationship–and spent several nights in quiet contemplation…reflecting on the good, the bad, and the ugly.
More importantly, he invested his newfound time and energy into becoming a stronger more Grounded man and getting clear on the vision he wants for his life, instead of dwelling on his ex.
He doubled down on his training, hitting the gym regularly and going to multiple group workouts each week to meet new people and avoid isolation. In his spare time, he began developing skills to help him advance in his career as well as personal hobbies he’d allowed to atrophy during his relationship…namely, playing the guitar, hiking and Brazilian Ju Jitsu.
The “release” from his artistic and physical pursuits and the connection he experienced with others helped him to realize the truth of his situation. That he had played a critical role in the demise of the relationship…but his ex was only one of many lovers he would experience in his life.
To keep the post-breakup depression at bay, he went out with friends and family almost every other night, keeping himself busy and focusing on moving forward in his life instead of looking back.
After the six months concluded, women in his yoga class began to take an interest in Daniel, so he began dating again, but slowly and casually while still focusing on his personal ambitions.
Instead of rushing into a relationship immediately (letting his penis run the show), he decided to take his time, getting to know many different women and being careful to “screen” them and make sure they were genuinely compatible with who he was and the life he was looking to build. For another year, he continued this trend, casually dating several women, often at the same time (always being honest with his intentions and focus on growth), and developing his skills of attraction and social dynamics.
After 18 months, he met another woman–whom he selected from a place of options and abundance–and decided to enter into a new relationship, taking the lessons he learned from his last breakup and applying them to create an even more exciting and intimate love with his new partner.
Because he “lost” the love of his life, he’s happier, healthier, and more in love with his new partner than ever before.
Right now, you are being faced with the same choice as Luke, Garrett, and Daniel.
A choice to let this breakup break you and fall into the traps of addiction, existential anxiety and depression…or the choice to learn from your mistakes and grow…
…To decide that right now, you are going to make this the moment where everything in your life changes for the better…where you look back years from now and say, “That was one of the best things that ever happened to me”…where you decided to step into your greatness and use the pain to fuel the success in life you’ve always desired…
This choice is not an easy choice to make. It isn’t easy to keep perspective, to do the deep internal work, to ask hard questions, and commit to taking the road less traveled. But I can tell you from personal experience…it is worth it.
The breakup I experienced nearly a decade ago was the best thing that ever happened to me. It put me on a path to unprecedented growth and success and fueled the fire of my ambitions, helping me become the man I am today. Without the pain I experienced then, I would not be the man or have the life I enjoy now (you also wouldn’t be reading this).
And today, I’m going to show you exactly how I successfully got over and moved on from an ex and how, if you’re willing to do the work, you can too.
How to Get Over a Girl You Loved By Keeping Perspective and Staying Patient
The first and most important thing you can do when dealing with the fallout of a devastating breakup is to keep perspective and understand the realities of the journey ahead of you.
Unless you had a relationship from hell, the time you spent with your ex was likely filled with many positive experiences (even if they are painful to remember).
You laughed, played, had great sex, and went on adventures together. The fact that “it’s over” doesn’t denigrate these experiences any more than seeing the finale of your favorite TV show denigrates how much you enjoyed watching the show.
More importantly, you did not, as you might say to yourself, “lose love” itself. You lost one person from your life. And, as heartless as it might sound, a person that can (and will) be replaced.
A breakup does not mean that you lost love any more than totaling your car in an accident means that you lost the ability to ever drive again. You might have lost the specific vehicle you were accustomed to using to fulfill your needs…but those needs can be met by another vehicle.
Furthermore, (and with a few exceptions), there are no permanent or unnecessarily painful consequences from your breakup.
For many men reading this, your ex likely did not get pregnant with your child and, unlike many divorced men, you get to have a clean break up. There are no lawyers, family courts, custody battles, legal disputes, child support, alimony, lies, or deceit.
I know dozens of men who were completely destroyed for years (in some cases decades) because of a nasty divorce or breakup where a child and lawyers were involved.
But, assuming you didn’t get married or get her pregnant, you don’t have to deal with any of this. You simply get to walk away.
Instead of having your entire financial infrastructure compromised by an ex-wife, or having to pay 20% of your gross income to someone who no longer loves you (while she sleeps with other men) and spends the money on herself not the child, you are simply left with the task of rebuilding your life and finding a new partner who shares your values and vision.
Your ex girlfriend can stake no claims to your finances, investments or future and you have the invaluable opportunity to learn from your loss, recover, and re-enter the dating game as a stronger and more grounded man. Now, if you did experience a divorce, this guide will still serve you greatly, but it’s worth mentioning for those that didn’t.
I’m not sharing any of this to minimize the pain you are experiencing–breakups are painful regardless of their nature–simply to give you perspective and help you find the silver lining in an otherwise terrible situation.
But keeping perspective does little to assuage the grief you are likely experiencing and, as important as it is to understand what you haven’t lost, it’s even more important to understand that healing takes time.
One of the most common questions I get from men who are struggling to figure out how to get over heartbreak is, “How long does it take to get over someone?” They want to know how to get over an ex-girlfriend and how to get over her fast.
But the simple truth is that it takes as long as it takes.
There’s no “one size fits all” response. While there are certainly things you can do if you want to know how to get over a breakup fast, healing takes time.
For some men, getting over ex-girlfriends takes only a few weeks…for others months…and for some, years.
The length of time it will take you to get over your ex-girlfriend will depend on a number of variables from the length of the relationship, the reason you broke up (e.g. it typically takes longer to get over a breakup caused by infidelity than it does one caused by logistics), the overall quality of your personal and professional life outside of your relationship, and your general emotional and spiritual well being as a man.
So instead of asking, “How long does it take to get over a breakup?” or “How long does it take to get over someone?” ask yourself, “What can I do to heal from my breakup as quickly as possible?” Focus on the processes you must follow instead of the outcome.
You can’t control the emotions you experience or the way a breakup affects your psyche. But you can control your response to those emotions and how you handle them.
Getting over ex-girlfriends takes time.
However, you can heal faster by changing the stories you choose to tell yourself about the breakup and what it means for your future.
How to Get Over Someone, Rebuild Your Life, and Find Your Inner Freedom
Once you have gained some perspective on the realities of your breakup, it’s important to begin working on your mindset about the breakup itself.
Many men allow their breakup with an ex girlfriend to define who they are as a man. Conscious or unconscious, they allow it to twist and pervert their self-image, destroy their self-esteem, and poison the very essence of their masculine soul.
Although things like exercise, socializing and working on yourself (all of which we’ll address later) can aid you on your journey…if you don’t develop your mindset and learn to see things as they really are, your efforts will be in vain. Outwardly, it may look like you’ve healed. But on the inside, whether you are aware of the fact or not, you will carry around the pain of your breakup for years, possibly decades.
To truly heal, you must fix your mindset. You must understand the realities of what you experienced and their true implications.
1. What You’re Experiencing is Normal
I’ve interviewed more than 400 of the world’s leading experts on relationships, masculinity, business, and personal development.
And all of them, almost without exception, experienced at least one heart-wrenching breakup. In fact, I would argue that every Grounded Man has, at one point or another, lost a woman he thought he’d spend his life with.
In my life, I’ve had three major breakups, and each one taught me new lessons about love, life, and the human experience.
The first, and most important step you can take to heal from a breakup is to understand that what you’re experiencing isn’t just normal…it’s necessary.
I have yet to meet an interesting, successful, and truly Grounded Man who never went through the pain of lost love. Breakups are an essential part of your growth as a man. They teach you invaluable lessons, foster growth and self-reliance and help you better understand yourself and women.
Yes, it’s painful to lose a woman you thought would be by your side “till death do us part”, but you must always remember…
Life doesn’t give you what you want, it gives you what you need.
And sometimes, the best thing that can happen to you…the thing that can help you create an unbelievable life…might feel like hell on earth when you’re going through it.
But when you understand the normalcy of what you’re experiencing and look at other men who have been through a similar pain you’re facing right now (and more), you will gain greater perspective on the challenges you’re facing and be able to deal with your emotions in a healthy way.
2. This is Not an End, But a New Beginning
When in the throes of a recent breakup, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking, “This is the end”.
Men are quick to abandon hope and allow emotion to override logic, making them think they will never find the love they lost ever again.
But the simple truth is that you can and will find another woman with whom you share the same (or a deeper) love as your ex.
We live in a world of abundance. With social media, dating apps, and simply walking out your front door you have access to more quality women than your ancestors could have imagined in ten lifetimes.
And, as amazing as your ex might have been, she is not the only woman who can make you feel “true love.” This idea is nothing more than a biological and chemical-driven response to a challenging situation.
Although society glorifies and romanticizes the idea of having one lover for your entire life, not only is this unrealistic, but it’s unhealthy. Love takes on many forms and can be expressed in many ways. The love you feel with one person can be wildly different from the love you feel with another. And by limiting yourself to only one woman for the rest of your life, you are by default, limiting the breadth of your life.
There are a plethora of relationships and experiences to be had. Some women which may be currently living in different cities and even countries. And the more lovers you experience (note: I’m not referring to one night stands, but truly intimate and deep connections with women throughout the course of your life) the wider and more interesting your life will be.
When you have a long history of lovers…when you’ve experienced foreign lovers, hot and intense lovers, dominant lovers, submissive lovers, you will gain a greater appreciation and understanding for what love really is.
As you process your break up, you must shift your mindset from “This is the end” to “This is a new beginning!” The completion of your old relationship opens up new opportunities to explore new lovers and styles of romance, ultimately making you a more experienced, more grounded, and more understanding lover yourself.
It doesn’t necessarily mean you did anything permanently wrong (more often than not, you simply selected an incompatible partner from the get go). And there are still lessons to be learned from the completed relationship, but it doesn’t make you a broken or damaged man.
Because the simple truth few men are willing to accept is that most people do not fall in love forever with the same person. And, more often than we care to admit, the “cute old couples” we see walking down the street are merely tolerating one another.
When you realize the plethora of opportunities available to you now that you’re single, you will be able to appreciate what you had, be thankful for what you learned, and move on to newer and more fulfilling experiences.
If you want help maximizing the opportunities in front of you and learning step-by-step how to meet, attract, and date the highest quality women and build an abundant dating life, I invite you to grab a copy of my best-selling book, The Dating Playbook for Men.
It’s my life’s work and the most comprehensive resource on the internet to help you go from (recently) single to dating the woman of your dreams.
It reveals the exact action steps you need to take to improve yourself, become a more grounded man, master social dynamics, and discover how attraction really works (no pickup lines or gimmicky routines required).
Just click below to check it out and take the first step toward transforming your romantic life today.
3. “If You Really Love Her then Let Her Go”
Our society promotes and fosters an unhealthy view of love and romance. A type of love that is possessive, defined by fear and scarcity, and, in all reality, not love at all…but mere selfishness.
To truly love someone is to want what is best for them. Not to want them in your life because of what they mean to you. But to want them to experience all of the wonders, adventures and pleasures this short life has to offer.
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, what is truly best for your ex lover is for them to move on. To start a new adventure where you play the supporting role, not the co-star. This can be challenging to accept, but it’s the truth.
As you begin to sift through the emotional fallout and personal devastation you feel in the wake of your breakup, ask yourself a simple question…”Do I truly love her enough to let her go and be happy elsewhere? To let her be free and pursue the life she wants…even if I’m not apart of that?”
True love is not possessive and it has no room for fear or scarcity. And while you might be tempted to try and win her back or even make her jealous by sleeping with as many women (and bragging about your “conquests” on social media), don’t.
If you really loved her, you need to accept what has happened and release her from your life.
Relationships last for as long as they last. Sometimes one month sometimes a decade or two. You shouldn’t give up at the first sign of hardship, but when it’s clear your ships are sailing in different directions, you must accept this with grace and humility.
It doesn’t mean anything about you as a man. It simply means that the time has come to go your separate ways and trusting that life is unfolding for you, not against you.
4. Tap into the Power of Quiet Reflection
One of the most important things you can do in the wake of a challenging break up is to spend time in deep contemplation and introspection.
Your breakup happened for a reason. Whether it was how you showed up as a man, how she showed up as a woman, selecting the wrong partner, or mere logistics (e.g. she wanted to move to Los Angeles, you wanted to stay in NYC). And, to heal and move on, you must understand why your breakup happened.
Just as importantly, you must understand why you are feeling the emotions you are feeling today. Despite the fact that I spent almost half a decade with my last long-term girlfriend, our breakup was the easiest–rather, the “least difficult”–I’ve ever experienced. Not because I didn’t love her or because I was excited to be single…but because I’d already done the deep internal work to understand why we needed to breakup and what our breakup really meant.
Instead of taking the “easy route” and simply claiming that “She was a bitch”, dig deep to unearth the root of the problem.
Did you get into a relationship you knew was not the right fit for your life because you were scared to be alone?
Are you feeling depressed because you truly loved her and will miss having her in your life…or because you’re scared you’ll never meet another lover as good as she was and you’re terrified that you just lost the “best you’ll ever have”?
Does your life suck without her? And now, the best part of your life is gone? What does this reveal about your current lifestyle and the way you spend your time?
What really caused the relationship to end and why are you really feeling the way you do right now?
Spend time on these questions as they are not easy to ask.
Until you get clarity on these admittedly difficult questions, you will struggle to heal and move on from your ex completely.
5. Shift Your Frame from Loss to Gratitude
When a relationship ends, many men default into a state of toxic pessimism and judgment. They are unable to cope with their loss and so they respond the only way they know how…chronic negativity, victimhood, and misery.
It might feel good in the moment and it’s certainly the easiest way to “deal” with your loss, but this frame does nothing to serve you or improve you as a man.
When you waste your time speaking negatively about yourself, your partner, and your relationship, you stifle the opportunities you have to grow and heal and will quickly isolate the people who care about you the most.
To truly get over someone you loved, you must shift the conversation from desperation and loss to appreciation and gratitude.
Yes, the relationship is over. It’s hard. Yes, she probably did things that drove you insane and you probably acted in weak and “ungrounded” ways. But ruminating on the negatives does nothing to help you move forward.
Instead, you must appreciate the relationship for what it was. Appreciate the good times you had, the fun, the adventure, the love, and the laughter. Focus on everything that went right while learning from the things that could have been better.
Toxic emotions are like a parasite, if you don’t cut them out quickly, they will spread and multiply until they consume every fiber of your being.
And it is only in gratitude that you will find the antidote.
What to Do After a Breakup: How to Move On by Using Your “Loss” as a Catalyst for Personal Reinvention
Ultimately, recovering from a breakup is straightforward.
It’s not (and never will be) easy. But it isn’t complicated.
In fact, there are only three primary “pillars” that will help you learn how to move on from someone you love and rebuild your life.
1. Recommit to Your Personal Development and Growth as a Man
Many men are “serial monogamists”. That is, from the time they were in high school, they’ve been in an almost unbroken string of monogamous relationships. Maybe they spent a few weeks or months as a single man, but they quickly found a new woman to date and fall in love with.
They were addicted to the “high” of new partners and, until a truly devastating breakup, were unwilling to spend time in intentional “singleness” to work on themselves.
As a result, they become defined by their relationships. Instead of learning who they really are, what they really want (with women and life), and who they want to be…they are defined by whatever partner they choose to date at the time.
Whether this brief picture accurately illustrates your life or not, it’s important that you take time following a breakup to commit to your own growth as a man.
I don’t mean a few weeks or even a few months. I mean that you take serious time (often longer than a year) to be intentionally single and work on developing yourself and learning from the experience.
When you’re single, you have the opportunity to focus 100% of your time, attention, effort, and income into building your own life.
And, if you took the previous steps seriously, you likely have a good idea of what you need to work on in your life to become the man you need to be.
Use this time to invest in your career, to deepen your understanding of yourself through reading, journaling, and meditation. To create vibrant physical health and build a more functional and powerful body.
Look at your life objectively and ask yourself, “What problems do I have in my life that are complicating my relationships and preventing me from experiencing the love I desire?”
Are you constantly stressed about money (and as a result fighting with your partners about money)? Then spend the next 6 months paying off your debt, building a “war chest”, and finding a career that fills your bank account and gives you more freedom.
Are you struggling to create an identity when you don’t have a partner in your life? Then use the time following your breakup to rekindle old passions, explore new hobbies, and develop yourself into a Grounded Man with a plethora of exciting and adventurous activities filling your life.
Are you feeling lost and struggling to find meaning in life? Then go on an adventure. Travel to new countries, explore new passions, and create a mission that brings more meaning and purpose to your life than a single relationship ever could (or should).
Work on yourself and do the deep internal work necessary to become the type of man who can keep high-quality women in his life. If you do this, you will later re-enter the dating game as a stronger more grounded man capable of selecting the right partner (or partners) from a place of abundance.
2. Spend More Time Fostering Friendships and Connection
After a breakup, it’s easy to close yourself to the outside world. To isolate yourself from the people who care about you most and to forgo social interaction altogether.
However, the real secret to having an abundant and exciting dating life is to first build an abundant and exciting social life.
When you have a group of friends and a tight-knit group of “brothers” with whom you can share the journey, everything in life becomes easier. You have other men who can help you overcome your challenges and keep perspective on the pain you are feeling.
Immediately following your break up, I encourage you to book yourself with more social engagements each week. Have dinner with friends every other night of the week. Go to more parties and social gatherings. Spend time reconnecting with friends you haven’t seen in a while (likely due to your previous relationship).
By creating “social redundancies” and having more “points of purpose”–relationships that give your life meaning and excitement–you will expedite the healing process and make yourself less likely to fall into the traps of neediness and approval-seeking behavior.
When you predicate all of your happiness, purpose, and fulfillment on one thing–whether it’s a career, a relationship, or anything else outside of your control–suffering becomes inevitable.
By building relationships and finding multiple activities that provide happiness, purpose, and fulfillment, you will become more “anti-fragile”. You won’t be as devastated by loss or suffer a crisis of identity when your job tanks or your lover leaves you.
Investing in your social life will also make it easier to meet new women and spark real connections (it’s a lot easier to meet a woman through a “social referral” than a cold approach or online).
The more social you can be, the better your life will become and the faster you will heal. Yes, you should focus on your own personal growth and development, but don’t forget that the journey is meant to be shared with many people who love and care for you, too.
3. Re-enter the Dating Pool (With a Caveat)
Finally, after taking action on all of the steps listed so far, you can re-enter the dating pool a few months after the breakup.
You’ll likely feel tempted to begin seriously dating and enter into another committed relationship shortly after your breakup.
Instead, take it slowly. Be honest with the women you meet and make it clear that you aren’t looking for monogamy or commitment and you’re simply trying to enjoy good times with interesting people. Casually date several women at the same time, and take this time to really learn what it is that you want and enjoy in a woman.
Build an abundant dating pool and take your time. If you aren’t actively rejecting quality women…you haven’t achieved true abundance yet.
By spending more time with multiple women, you will not only learn more about what you want in a potential partner but also what women want from you.
Doing this will allow you to re-enter the dating game (meaning you’re looking for a serious relationship) from a place of strength, certainty, and power and allow you to flow into your next relationship as a truly grounded man who can find and keep the woman he truly wants.
What lies ahead of you is a simple choice…
A choice to accept what has happened with grace, humility, and strength…to use your breakup as a catalyst for unprecedented growth…to use the pain and anger you’re experiencing to become a stronger Grounded Man…
…Or to be broken by the pain…to let one woman out of billions destroy your soul and steal your happiness…to give up out of fear and scarcity and resign yourself to a life of loneliness and heartbreak.
The most successful men in the world have all experienced a devastating breakup at one point or another. But what set them apart was how they chose to handle it.
It is my hope that you will choose the path of growth over the paths of destruction and sedation. That you will use this opportunity to heal, to recover, to grow stronger…becoming a man you always knew you had the power to be.
Instead of pining for lost love and regretting the past…look to the future.
Realize that, if you’re willing to put in the work, the pain you’re experiencing right now will one day be the best thing that ever happened to you.
You might not see it yet. But when you look back ten years from today, you’ll thank your ex for what happened and you’ll be grateful for the lessons you learned, the growth you experienced, and how you transformed as a man.
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