Intimacy is a strange thing. When you have a love life filled with sexual intimacy and flings, sex stops feeling like a big deal. However, when your relationship features a dead bedroom, sex suddenly becomes a big deal.
Whether we want to admit it or not, men crave intimacy. It doesn’t even have to be sex! It just has to be some emotional intimacy with a side of physical intimacy. Having that unique spark is what makes a relationship something romantic.
It’s what makes a relationship feel good.
The problem with intimacy issues is that they are notoriously difficult to address. It’s a difficult conversation, even for the most confident of men.
Women often feel attacked when the topic of a lack of sexual activities comes up. Us men? Well, we feel like failures. Trying to have an honest conversation about sexual problems will always be painful and may not always be doable.
I will show you how to talk to your partner about the lack of intimacy and help you figure out what to do. But first, let’s ask the question you should have asked a long time ago.
Before you talk to her, take stock of your relationship and see if there is anything you can fix first.
A sexless marriage rarely ever happens without problems between both partners. Sometimes, you need to ask yourself if you have been trying to be a good husband to your wife and if you have been actively catering to her needs.
Other problems in your relationship often spark sexual intimacy issues. If you want to fix a lack of intimacy permanently, you will have to go beyond just talking and lead by example. You have to prove your wife with action that shows your commitment to a better sexual relationship.
Being the man women want to sleep with means showing you’re strong, willing to take the lead, and on the growth path.
Women adore masculinity, but that’s a wide term. When I say they love a masculine man, it means that they take charge and don’t make excuses for their behavior. They want to see men who work for what they want.
Part of this means you have to look at the situation and see if there’s anything you should consider. At times, leadership can mean giving support, cleaning yourself up, or even giving her space. These particular situations deserve more attention than most, primarily because they’re known intimacy killers:
- You have let yourself go. If you don’t take care of your own person, it will be hard to get your wife to feel interested in sex. The most helpful thing you can do for yourself is to start taking care of yourself.
- She recently had a baby. Babies may be a wonderful addition to the family, but those first few years will stress out anyone. It’s very likely that she may be too stressed and “touched out” to focus on anything sexual. Giving her time to rest and offering her support can help immensely.
- If you were honest with yourself, you haven’t been pulling your share regarding chores. Conversations can only do so much. If your wife has to work to keep the home clean without help from you, she will likely lose feelings for you. She wants a partner, not a son to take care of! Studies show that men who do more chores get more sex. Now would be a good time to start cleaning up after yourself, at the very least.
- It’s been months or even years since you last tried to offer emotional intimacy. Do you show your wife you care about her? Do you try to talk to her about matters or give her a safe space to vent? If not, you shouldn’t be surprised if she no longer feels safe around you. This could signify a communication breakdown that leads to sexual avoidance.
- You didn’t put much thought into helping her have fun in the bedroom. If she isn’t orgasming if you don’t try to please her, and if you don’t bother thinking about her needs, you will turn sex into another chore. No one likes to feel their needs don’t matter during intimate sessions!
Sex is not just about you and how you feel. If she’s not enjoying herself or feels you don’t care about her having fun, she will not want sex with you. It will become boring, annoying, and even a source of resentment for her.
Start fixing these issues as much as you can before you begin talking about sex. Wait at least one to two weeks before you actually try to talk about sex with your wife. Let her see that you are actually trying to mend the relationship’s deeper issues before worrying about sex.
7 Ways to Talk to your Partner about Lack of Intimacy
The worst thing you can do is make her feel cornered, or act like you’re placing the blame solely on her shoulders. This will make her feel like you want to talk about sex and more like you actually want to fix what’s wrong in the relationship.
Here are the seven best ways to talk about lack of intimacy in your relationship.
1. Make time for a conversation about intimacy and to make it a calm discussion
This is a conversation that neither of you should have when you’re in a bad mood, stressed, tired, or otherwise unstable. You both want to remain calm, and ideally, chilled out when you discuss this matter.
A good way to make this easier is to discuss it at a favorite restaurant that has a place where you can quietly discuss private matters or to offer her a favorite drink before you get talking.
If she bristles at the idea of even talking about sex, it may be time to ask if you want to be in this marriage at all.
2. Come from a place where you show vulnerability and love, not anger and accusation
A good way to start this is to explain how much your wife means to you. This is one of the few times where being vulnerable and knowing your feelings will help your partner feel safe enough to engage with you.
Tell her how much she means to you, and focus on fixing what’s wrong with the marriage.
Tell her that you want to be a better husband and that you want to fix whatever it is that is making it hard for her to get intimate with you.
3. Be direct, but don’t be hurtful
Women do not respect men who cannot be upfront about their feelings and intimate needs. They also don’t respect men who dance around the topic hoping their wives will lead the conversation.
Tell her bluntly that you feel like communication has dropped off, that you care about her and that you miss being physically intimate with her.
Ask her what you can do to make intimacy easier on her, and ask her to talk to you about coming up with a solution.
4. Listen, and I mean genuinely listen
The moment you start hearing her complaints is when you want to blame her or get defensive. It’s a normal reaction, but you can’t do it. This will put your wife on the defensive and make her want to avoid discussing things further.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions about what she feels if there are issues you need to know about. It’s okay to ask things like if she’s struggling with body image or feels emotionally drained due to work.
During this time, be prepared to apologize. You must address your part to play in the lack of intimacy. At times, you may even need to apologize when you weren’t even the wrongdoer. This is more about keeping her open to talking about sex than anything.
If you aren’t sure about something, ask her. Most women are scared to say what they mean because they
5. Start proposing ideas on how to get more intimacy
This is never one-sided, but you’ll have to take the lead on how to talk about sex. Building a stronger relationship will help you get more sex in your life, so it’s important that you get her on board.
- Consider sex therapy or even going to marriage counseling. Sometimes, you will not be able to figure things out alone. A professional touch can be helpful, even when it doesn’t involve sex matters.
- Ask to make time for sex. Your sex life can only kick off if you two try to carve out time for love, relaxation, and a little sex. Awkward as it may sound, you may want to schedule time for sex as a “date night” once a week.
- Talk about your own personal expectations and boundaries. Part of the conversation will have to be that you do, in fact, need sex to stay happy in your relationship. You will also have to talk about what kind of behavior you will not tolerate. This may be a sensitive topic, but you have to be clear that it’s not a matter of just one person working things out.
- Ask her when the last time she felt sexy/relaxed/appreciated/satisfied was. Knowing this can help you improve your sex life by bringing back those memories. Channel the spark back by doing the things she mentions.
- Offer to get kinky, or try something new in the bedroom. A little bit of spice can kick your sex life up a notch and also give you a better level of intimacy in and out of the bedroom.
Once again, you both must agree to work on things for your relationship to improve. So by the end of the conversation, you should agree on a plan that improves intimacy across the board.
6. Remain calm, but also be ready to walk away
While the goal of this talk should be to mend your relationship and regain intimacy, it’s important to recognize that some relationships will not be fixable regardless of what you do.
A relationship doesn’t work if only one person is willing to work on it! Worse, if you beg and plead and reason with her, she will not respect you or be attracted to you.
Women find men who beg and grovel unattractive. The same can be said about men who act in a transactional way towards them. It makes them feel like a sex vending machine rather than a woman.
Women want a man who is confident enough to be able to set the tone of the relationship. And that means a man who is not just willing to take the lead when it comes to physical intimacy, but also realizes that he can walk away if he’s not happy.
There are 8 billion people on this planet, maybe more. If she’s not willing to please you or even try to get some kind of intimacy going, you must be willing to walk away from the relationship.
Trust me, there is someone out there who will want to be with you.
7. Cultivate the right attitude with your head held high
Confidence is key, but that’s only half the battle. You also need to be fully aware of what you deserve in a relationship.
You deserve love and intimacy. You deserve to be in relationships where you feel attractive. You have the right to feel hurt when your own wife refuses to have sex with you.
Women who have no intention of fixing a dead bedroom or a sexless marriage will try to tell you that you’re crazy or even perverted for wanting to sleep with her. Trust me when I say that nothing is more normal than to want to sleep with your wife!
This is why you need to take time to make sure that the discussion is brought up as nicely and calmly as possible. You need to see if she’s even remotely interested in working things out. If she is not willing to talk things out or if she’s not willing to follow through on the solutions you agreed upon, you need to stop trying to talk to her.
She’s already given you your answer. She’s saying no.
That doesn’t mean you still have to say yes to being with her. You can start saying yes to yourself by being ready to tell your wife that you will not stay in a relationship without intimacy or mutual respect.
You do not have to settle for an intimacy-less relationship.
Being in a relationship or getting married is not the same as a roommate situation. This article intends to help you get the intimacy you deserve. If you want your sex life to work out well for you, you must channel that masculine energy women crave.
Masculinity is one of those things women never admit they want but always react well to. It’s the proverbial panty-dropper that keeps the spark alive.
Getting to channel your masculine side isn’t easy in this feminized and often contradictory society. I’m here to help you find your own unique path to being a sexier partner, a happier man, and a magnet for women.