The world of dating often feels tailored to the extrovert. Most men live under the false impression that dating means bars, pickup lines, and endless small talk.
As an introvert, it often feels like dating is acting like someone you are not.
One too many nights spent alone at the bar or awkward silences in the middle of conversations that you started and you can begin to feel as if dating is just a futile venture for you. Maybe love is just an extrovert’s game… right?
Wrong! If you’re an introvert and you feel this way, I’d like to shed light on a massive misconception that may put your heart at ease:
You don’t have to be an outgoing extrovert to attract high-quality women!
Women are attracted to confidence and confidence can be found in introverts just as it can be found in extroverts. In fact, most women actually prefer quiet confidence to bold, extroverted confidence.
Think of the likes of Russel Crow’s Maximus from Gladiator, Viggo Mortenson’s Aragorn from The Lord of the Rings trilogy, or even Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice – all characters of great emotion in few words:
Characters whose few words have been winning the admiration of women for decades.
If you feel as if love is a fruitless venture for an introvert, I think you are equating shyness with introversion and sociability with extroversion.
Finding love as an introvert is a matter of playing your cards right, waiting for your moments, and knowing your worth enough as a man to aim high.
Over my ten-plus years as a men’s coach, I’ve seen introverts thrive in the dating world just as much as extroverts.
You just have to change the game of love to suit you.
The Three Myths of Introversion
1. Introverts are shy
If you’re an introvert, you’ve probably been called shy many times. It’s frustrating, demeaning even.
Just because you’re picky about the conversations you take part in and prefer to listen rather than voice your thoughts on every subject does not mean you’re shy.
There is a massive difference between being quiet and being shy just as there is a massive difference between being loud and being confident.
Being introverted doesn’t mean lacking confidence!
Oftentimes the most confident man in the room is completely silent. He watches, observes, and speaks only when he has something important to say.
The world listens to the words of a silent man.
2. Women prefer extroverts to introverts
Before you even consider entering the dating world, you must have a detailed picture of what you’re looking for in a match.
The majority of men view women as a sort of trophy and the mere acquisition of this trophy deserves celebration. They view women as a key to some sort of transcendental happiness.
When a woman falls into their eager clutches, they snatch her up and hold her aloft for all to see.
The truth is, not every woman is a “catch”. In fact, if you’re a grounded man, most modern women will be a waste of your time.
When you enter the dating world, you MUST know exactly what you want.
Do you want a woman whose attention is won by flattery and empty words–a woman who needs you to be outgoing or monopolize the attention of any group?
Do you want the sort of woman whose confidence is built on the foundation of your social domination?
More often than not, men who speak the most have something to prove. Oftentimes they are trying to convince others or themselves of their importance.
Grounded women recognize this. Their eyes scan groups of men, looking for silent confidence–looking for men who know themselves well enough and don’t have to convince themselves or anyone else they’re someone they’re not.
Grounded women don’t need a loud, life-of-the-party man. Grounded women want confidence–true confidence.
3. Introverts aren’t good leaders
It is common knowledge that women feel drawn to men who can lead.
But the world has convinced us that this good leader can’t be quiet. A leader must be loud and commanding–even dominating.
The truth is, the best leaders are often introverts. Abraham Lincoln, Bill Gates, Elon Musk, and even Mahatma Gandhi are all introverts.
It is not the words of a good leader that women look up to and want to follow–it is the strength and the consistent follow-through.
A man whose actions and words align is a man who any woman will want–introvert or extrovert.
How to Find Love as an Introvert Man?
Many introverts try to adapt themselves to the game of love rather than adapting the game to themselves.
They change their personalities, put on the extrovert mask, and find all sorts of ways to convince the world that they are someone they’re not.
In reality, the dating world of today is more open and adaptable than ever before. Dating apps, online dating, and instant access to almost anyone through social media have made meeting like-minded people and forming more meaningful connections easier than ever before.
The modern dating scene is actually more tailored to the introvert than ever before.
Just a few hundred years ago, the only way to win a fair maiden’s attention would have been to ask for a dance at a local ball. Even then, you wouldn’t have much of a chance without a sizable fortune and a curvaceous ‘stache to back you up.
1. Don’t act like someone you aren’t: be a confident introvert, not an extrovert
Dating often feels like a contest in sociability. The man with the smoothest tongue takes home the prize.
As an introvert, it can feel as if the world itself favors something that you’re not. It can be tempting to change–to evolve.
The biggest mistake an introvert can make is believing this to be true and concluding that the only way to get the girl is to become an extrovert.
Adapting your personality to be a “suitable” match for a certain type of woman has dire consequences, especially if you succeed in winning the woman.
The messiest breakups usually involve one partner slowly realizing that they fell for a character the other was playing, not the person themself.
If you don’t like going to the bar to meet people, then the girl you want probably won’t like going to the bar to meet people either.
If you don’t like partying, then why go to parties? All you’ll find at parties are people who like to party.
Finding a good partner as an introvert isn’t about learning how to be an extroverted man, it’s about using your strengths as an introvert to find the sorts of women that you want.
Accepting your introverted personality and embracing your true identity to every degree will always be more productive than turning yourself into someone you’re not.
2. Play to your strengths
Stephen Curry has made the most three-pointers in NBA history by a long way (3,390).
During this time he has only dunked the basketball 32 times.
If he wants to be the best basketball player he can be, why is he so unconcerned by his dunking statistics? Shouldn’t he try to balance out his game a bit more?
Of course not. Steph knows that his six-foot-three, one-hundred-eighty-five-pound frame just isn’t made for dunking. He’d be smashed to pieces if he tried to get more time in the paint.
He also knows, however, that no one in the game shoots the ball better than he does. He plays to his strength because he knows that’s how he’s going to perform best.
If you’re an introvert, let me guess, you’re observant, sensitive to others’ feelings, and a fantastic listener.
Instead of focusing on becoming more bubbly and talkative, capitalize on the things that make you stand out from the rest.
The more you know yourself and not just accept, but own what makes you you, the more quality women you’ll attract.
Instead of trying to be someone you aren’t, focus on making who you are shine through.
Instead of trying to attract women at bars, parties, or in large groups, choose one-on-one settings.
3. Be patient
When it comes to dating as an introvert, quality over quantity is the rule.
An extrovert may be able to cruise through a couple of potential partners a week, but an introvert will burn out.
Be picky. Be choosy. Understand that you don’t have the emotional energy to waste your time on people you know you could never be with.
Don’t feel bad for saying no to second dates or turning down serious relationship offers. Know what you want and don’t waste your time playing around with anything that you don’t want.
The truth is, introverts won’t be able to meet and assess as many women as extroverts. This doesn’t mean that you’ll end up with a less-quality woman, it just means that your method of finding women to meet will have to be more fine-tuned. Too much trial and error will drain you.
Once you embrace your personality completely, your romantic prospects will skyrocket. For many men, this is when the ego gets in the way. They start dating just for the thrill of it.
Men crave the novel feeling of being wanted and start losing sight of what they actually want.
Don’t jump at everything that comes your way. Be patient, weigh your options, and when the right one comes, move decisively.
Don’t let your introvertedness get in the way of getting the woman that you want.
4. Know your worth: stay grounded as a man
Many men overcomplicate the dating world.
A mix of their impatience and pick-up culture’s relentless insistence that EVERY man should have at least a dozen gorgeous women on each arm leads them to a dangerous conclusion: they must change themselves if they ever want to find love.
They tweak, twist, and rearrange their whole personality in search of this elusive “ideal man”. They laugh when they don’t feel like it, play the stoic when they want to smile, and do their best to convince the world and themselves that they’re someone they’re not.
More often than not, they emerge from this gulag of deception in a terrible state: no romantic relationship, a load of social anxiety, and dwindling self-love.
Some men never heal from this misery…
The truth is, you don’t need to change yourself. You don’t need to be someone else.
In fact, you don’t even need to chase women!
What you have to do is make sure you’re taking care of yourself, filling your life with purpose, and heading in a direction that you want to go.
Women LOVE this man–the grounded man.
Introvert, extrovert, nerd, athlete, awkward, smooth-talking…It doesn’t matter as long as you know who you are and aren’t ashamed of it.
Once you stop trying to attract women and start focusing on bettering your own life, high-quality women will come.
The men who are usually most ready for a relationship are those who are chasing one the least.
Stop trying so hard!
5. Choose your field
Let me guess, you hate the idea of meeting people at bars or social gatherings. You’d much rather have an intimate conversation with one person without having to yell over the noise of a hundred other conversations.
If this is the case, your dating game is all about the environment. You need to frequent places that attract the sorts of women with the same interest.
For an introvert, dating apps and online dating are great tools to easily do away with women that you’ll never have a future with.
If you do want to meet someone more organically, try your local coffee shop, experiment with a cooking class, or join a sports team.
Choosing the right field is one of the most important decisions an introvert makes when searching for love.
We live in a world of endless possibilities and limitless choices. Too many men stumble upon their relationships without ever knowing what they’re missing. They ask themselves “why not?” instead of “why?”
Setting up your life to put you in the presence of high-quality women will increase your chances of making a high-quality relationship.
The world will tell you that women don’t like introverts, that you’re shy and don’t have the capacity to lead. This is false.
I’m here to assure you that your quest for love is not in vain, to tell you that there is indeed light at the end of this seemingly endless tunnel AND this journey does not have to be one taken alone.
Dating as an introvert is about taking your dating journey at your own pace, keeping your standards high, and remaining true to yourself and your personality. Changing yourself to earn another’s approval will lead to nothing more than wasted years and a dead-end relationship (trust me, I’ve traveled this road).
One of the most fortunate things about modern dating is that there is never a situation you are going through that is completely unique to you. There are hundreds, even thousands of men who have faced the same giants you are facing now and have emerged victorious.
Here at Knowledge for Men, we have gathered an advanced group of the most experienced of these men–hand-selected, battle-hardened warriors who have faced the worst life has to offer and come out on top.
With these men at the helm, we are creating a band of brothers to give men just like yourself a place to call home. This band of brothers is your safe place, your crutch, and your army–they have your back when the world is getting the best of you.
If this sounds like something you would be interested in, it’s time to act. Your life won’t change itself.