When you develop deep romantic feelings for someone you’ve never dated, it can be a difficult situation to navigate.
When an ordinary relationship ends, you at least get a sense of closure. However, these situations may leave you wondering, “What if?”
While it’s common for people to develop romantic feelings after a one-night stand or a short period of intimacy, this isn’t always the case.
Feelings of attachment can arise after prolonged interaction without an official relationship status. For example, if you’ve become close with a friend, classmate, or coworker.
Very often, your mind will get carried away with the idea of a potential relationship, even before a romantic connection has formed. You convince yourself there’s a spark there, even though there isn’t.
Regardless of the scenario, moving on can be a unique challenge. You get stuck in a loop of what-if scenarios and are left second-guessing yourself.
Secondly, societal expectations make it challenging to acknowledge and discuss these situations.
Tell your buddies you just broke up with your longtime girlfriend, and you’ll probably be at the bar faster than you can snap your fingers. Telling them you’re feeling bad over a woman you never even dated, though? Well, that’s a different story.
To help you navigate your emotions and find your way back to some sense of normalcy, I’m going to give you nine simple but effective ways to get over someone you never dated.
These strategies will show you a way out of your current situation and provide you with introspection and insight so you don’t repeat the same mistakes.
1. Put Your Feelings Out In The Open
You may feel pathetic and embarrassed if you’re hung up over someone you never dated. You may feel like this woman led you on or was playing with your feelings and that you were too dense to see it.
First, you need to understand that that probably was not the case. Sure, people sometimes do things that come off as hurtful, but that is rarely their intention.
Most people don’t wake up and say, “I’m going to mess with someone’s feelings today.” That isn’t to say these things don’t happen, but they are the exception, not the norm.
Instead of trying to find someone to blame or make yourself out to be the victim, come to terms with what happened and get it out in the open.
When you internalize these things and hold them in, you subconsciously tell yourself your feelings aren’t valid. And as long as you do that, you’ll never be able to solve the issue.
Share the experience with someone you can trust — a friend or family member. Be brutally honest with what happened that led to this point.
You might be surprised that simply talking about the situation can give you greater clarity into what happened.
2. Make The Hard Choice And Cut Her Out Of Your Life
“Let’s still be friends, okay?”
Those might just be the most damaging words any man can hear, and you must always do your best to resist these temptations.
If you haven’t done so already, cutting this woman out of your life will be the best thing for you. Don’t delude yourself into thinking that you can maintain a friendly, platonic relationship because it isn’t going to happen.
That ship has sailed, so make the hard choice and force yourself to move on.
Also, understand that this is the right decision for both of you.
Women will offer to maintain a platonic relationship because they feel bad for hurting your feelings. But this only causes more harm in the end.
And in situations like these, where there was no relationship in the first place, they can be doubly harmful. If you developed these feelings without any impetus, it stands to reason the same thing will happen again.
Don’t let it. Politely explain that you don’t think it’s good for you to talk anymore and end things then and there.
Better opportunities await.
3. Engage Your Mind, Energize Your Body
If you’re sitting at home, dwelling on the situation, ask yourself why. What are you hoping to get out of this behavior? What productive changes can come from this?
The answer: None.
So, do yourself a favor and get active. Occupy your mind or your body (or both). Mental or physical pursuits are excellent for releasing some feel-good hormones, which is what your body craves in situations like these.
If you’re turning to alcohol, cigarettes, or drugs to cope with the situation, do everything you can to avoid them. These are bandaid cures that will do little to heal the wound underneath.
Understand that what you’re feeling is normal. Understand that your behavior is normal. And understand that “normal” is the last thing you want to be in this life.
Many people think that getting to the top — becoming a “winner” is a matter of stepping over other people and taking advantage of them, but that isn’t the case at all.
The only thing that separates the 1% from everyone else is that they choose not to be normal.
These people look at what everyone else is doing and bank on the idea that if they just do the opposite, they will get ahead.
If society, your friends, social media, or the inside of a beer can tell you it’s okay to sulk over this, I’m here to tell you it’s not.
By all means, feel what you’re feeling, explore these emotions, and take a good long look at what contributed to this situation. But DO NOT let your past control your future.
Get out there, tap into your inner strength, and fill your time with something more productive. Don’t like running? Let your sorrow, anger, or frustration fuel the fire inside.
Situations like these are THE PERFECT times to try something new and to expand your mind and body.
4. Eliminate The Toxic “Oneitis” Mindset
Without knowing the specifics of your current situation, I can guarantee I know what led to it.
Between first meeting this woman and getting your heart broken, you convinced yourself she was the perfect woman. A one-of-a-kind person that you have never met before and will never meet again.
You got so hung up on fantasizing about your future together that you forgot to look at the situation right before you. And sadly, the truth is, there was nothing there.
That is what we refer to as Oneitis. It is a toxic disease where a man falls head-over-heels for a woman in a very short period. Often, but not always, it is with a woman who does not share your feelings.
And while this mindset can inflict any man, certain common traits pervade this behavior.
- Having a Small Social Circle: If you have limited options with women, you may put too much emphasis on a single person. Expanding your social network can help broaden your view and embrace the abundant opportunities that are out there.
- Having Self-Confidence Issues: Sometimes, those with the most significant self-confidence issues idealize others to compensate for their shortcomings. For one reason or another, you put this woman on a pedestal that was unrealistic and unhealthy.
- Lacking Experience In Relationships: Ask a man in his twenties to describe the perfect woman, and he’ll probably write you a short novel. Ask a man in his seventies to do the same, and he’ll probably tell you there’s no such thing. With age comes experience, and the more you get out there and date other women (or even develop platonic relationships with them), the more grounded your views will be.
- Fearing Rejection Or Fearing Being Alone: A fear of rejection can create an over-attachment of certain people, even if those people don’t feel the same way about us. Addressing this issues head-on, either in a therapy setting or with a professional coaching group, can be the first step to overcoming them and becoming a stronger man.
- Dissatisfaction With One’s Life: Many men are dissatisfied with their lives and put too much pressure on themselves to find love. They think that if they can find a girlfriend, everything else in their life will fall into line. This flawed thinking neglects the importance of self-fulfillment. To embrace your masculine potential, you must first commit to internal growth. You need to become content with who you are as a man before getting romantically involved with someone else.
5. Play With The Cards You’ve Been Given
Some men are tall. Some men are short.
Some men have better hair than most women do. Some men are completely bald.
Some men are naturally funny. Others are more serious and favor intellectual conversations.
People come in all different shapes, sizes, and personalities.
Take it from someone who’s been in the professional coaching industry for quite a while now: no singular trait or group of traits makes you more attractive to the opposite sex.
The only difference between a guy who goes on a date with a different woman every Friday night and a guy who sits at home playing Call of Duty is that the first guy knows how to play with the cards he’s been given.
I know for a fact that you are not surrounded by an abundance of high-quality women. Because if you were, you wouldn’t have this problem in the first place.
High-quality men attract high-quality women; it’s that simple. So, how do you become a high-quality man? You learn to play to your strengths.
Devote some time to getting in shape and prioritize your physical well-being. Put some pride in your appearance. Expand your social circle. And be a fun guy to be around.
Fundamentally, that’s all you need — that and knowing how to play the cards you’ve been given.
If you’re a funny dude, develop the confidence to put that side of you on full display. If you’re more reserved and like to keep to yourself, create a quiet confidence that attracts women to you.
Whatever your traits are, focus on optimizing them rather than trying to change them. If you can be unapologetically yourself, there’s no telling what you can’t accomplish.
6. Learn The Art Of Strategic Positioning
This woman that you fell so hard for: Where did you meet her?
Was it in a place filled with high-quality women, or was it somewhere more banal?
Was it at the office? In class? At the supermarket? Somewhere where you’d least expect it?
Furthermore, how often do you put yourself in places where your ideal women hang out?
You must ask yourself these things to master the art of positioning. Because no man, no matter how good-looking, rich, or charming he is, can find the right woman to date if he’s looking in the wrong spot.
Again, I know you’re looking in the wrong spots because otherwise, you’d never be in this situation.
Life is a game of odds. If you know how to play the odds, you’ll succeed. If you don’t, you’ll lose. And this goes for women and dating, as well.
Let’s look at a straightforward example: online dating. If Joe creates a dating profile in five minutes when he is sitting drunk at the bar, we should not expect him to find a lot of success.
On the other hand, if John dedicated an evening to writing a quality profile and then curating and uploading hi-res pictures, he would have infinitely more success than Joe. And if he repeats the process and does the same thing on five different sites or apps, he’ll have even more success.
John is playing the odds, and Joe isn’t. I didn’t mention their looks, personality, or socio-economic status. Joe could be a millionaire with a face like a model, but John will still get more dates. John is looking in the right spots. Joe isn’t.
Now, if you want to date online or in person, it is ultimately up to you, but you have to put yourself in the position where your ideal woman hangs out.
Even dating apps have nuances that make certain types of people gravitate to certain apps, so be mindful of that.
Get clear on who you are and what you want in a partner, and then plant yourself in the places where that type of woman hangs out.
Sports bars, hiking groups, yoga clubs, and art museums are places where you’ll find different women with different interests. Use common sense to find what you’re looking for.
Can’t stand football? Don’t head to a sports bar on a Monday night expecting to find the love of your life because she isn’t there.
Position yourself correctly, and everything else will fall into line.
7. Paint A Vivid Picture Of What You Want In A Woman
We all have ideal traits that we look for in a woman. The problem is that many men convince themselves they aren’t worthy of high-quality women, so they convince themselves they have to settle.
So, here’s a little exercise for yourself. First, envision yourself in your ideal form. I don’t care how difficult it may be to imagine right now — indulge yourself for a minute.
Did you want six-pack abs as a teenager but slowly gave up on the idea? Imagine yourself with abs.
Do you make $32,000 a year but secretly have dreams of being a millionaire? Imagine how it would feel to make $32,000 a day.
Do you have a wardrobe of faded jeans and black t-shirts that you wear 365 days a year? Imagine what you would look like in a custom three-piece suit.
Now, imagine the type of woman who would be standing next to a man like that. What is she like? How does she look? How does she sound? What does she do for a living? What are her interests?
Paint a vivid picture of this woman. Imagine everything you can about her. Where would you go on vacation? What restaurants would you eat at? What would the sex be like? Go all out.
Because what you need to understand is that you are only limited by what you can imagine for yourself. And if you can’t imagine it, it’s because it’s legitimately impossible.
Sure, you might not be able to play in the NBA or become the wealthiest man in the world. But all those other things I mentioned? They most certainly are.
The key is clarifying what you want and desire and then allowing yourself to believe you are worthy of all those things.
8. When In Doubt, Let Father Time Work His Magic
Cliche as it may sound, but time does heal all. Unfortunately, when we’re young, we sometimes lack the life experience to comprehend this.
This is why many young kids are stressed out over seemingly insignificant things. They lack the life experience to conceptualize what’s truly important.
Many men have this same problem with dating and relationships. They lack dating experience, and situations like these seem catastrophic to them.
But if you’ve been dating for a while, you’ll know this is just a hiccup in the grand scheme of things.
Sure, it hurts now, but I can almost guarantee there will be a point in time when you can’t even remember the details of this situation.
Take solace in the fact that time will always work its magic if all else fails. That might not be true of every hardship in life, but it is definitely the case when it comes to matters of the heart.
And, as I mentioned earlier, how you spend your time largely determines how it passes.
If you want to wallow in your misery, it can take an eternity to heal. Focusing on passing the time with productive activities will make the time pass before you know it.
Keep in mind that you can use hardships like these to your advantage. Pain can be an excellent growth tool if you approach it with the right mindset.
9. Become Irresistible — Shift From Chasing Women To Being The One They Pursue
Ask any businessman what the hardest part of starting a business is. They’ll tell you it’s the beginning — the start-up. It’s finding customers or clients to help your business grow.
But then, with enough persistence, something magical happens. Customers and clients start lining up for you, and suddenly, you have more than you can handle.
Imagine having a dating life like that. Just close your eyes and envision what that would feel like…
Imagine having a phone filled with too many messages to respond to. Imagine having 100 alerts on Hinge or Tinder. Imagine going to a bar or club and effortlessly being able to strike up a conversation with any woman in there.
It feels good, doesn’t it? It might be a daydream right now, but you can turn it into a reality with enough persistence and dedication.
To be clear, transformations like these require a massive mindset shift. This isn’t something you can flip the switch on and then wake up the next day like a new person.
You must dedicate yourself to putting in the work and doing whatever is necessary to maximize your masculine allure.
Very little separates the amateurs from the professionals, and most people don’t know how close they are to achieving greatness. This is true in personal development, the workplace, and with relationships.
So, ask yourself: “Am I really trying everything I can to maximize my appeal?” Chances are, you aren’t. Because real progress requires a lot of work, and most people don’t have the time, inclination, or energy for it.
Takeaways: Changing Your Dating Dynamics
As unbearable as your current situation may feel, light is at the end of the tunnel.
If you use this experience to better yourself as a man and grow from it, this can be the start of a new chapter in your life.
At Knowledge for Men, my team of coaches and I can help you unlock your full potential and change your dating dynamics for good.
Instead of being a man who mindlessly chases after women, you can become the type of man women line up to date.
The path won’t be easy, but the rewards can be profound. My coaches and I can teach you to put your past behind you and embrace your full potential.
Stop falling victim to “nice guy” behaviors. Stop telling yourself you’re not good enough or unworthy of greatness. Stop settling for second place. Start putting yourself and your needs first.
A group of strong, like-minded men can give you the experience and wisdom to overcome all challenges. We don’t provide generalized solutions to complex problems; we give actionable advice to help you work through your most trying issues.
But you must be willing to put in the work. We can teach and guide you, but you and you alone must have the will to change.
Do you have the will to change?
If so, take the next step today. Click here to watch my new client orientation video.