Tell me if this sounds familiar…
You’re out with friends, enjoying food and drinks after a long day at work and chatting about the economy, politics, sports, and ex-lovers.
Then…you see her.
Standing across the bar, sporting a tight blue dress that perfectly accentuates every curve of her toned body, is one of the most beautiful women you’ve ever laid eyes on.
“OMG,” you think to yourself. Your jaw hits the floor. You can’t keep your eyes off of her.
Noticing your reaction, your friends tease you, laughing and claiming that you wouldn’t go talk to her.
Resolving to prove them wrong, you take one last sip of your drink, run your fingers through your hair, and saunter over to where she’s standing with as much confidence and swagger as you can muster.
You introduce yourself, start a conversation, and just like that…you click.
The sparks begin to fly. She laughs. You laugh. And you both know it’s game on.
She has work early the next morning and tells you she has to leave.
But before she walks out, she tells you what a pleasure it was to talk with you, puts her number into your phone, and hugs you tightly with a smile you’ll never forget.
Breathless, you watch her walk out of the venue, your heart racing, and lips curled up in an uncontrollable smile.
As she leaves your line of sight, you instantly think you just met “the one”. You start envisioning a long future with her. You wonder what it will be like to take her out this weekend, sleep with her, to have her as your girlfriend, to introduce her to your parents, marry her, have children together, travel across the country…
…For the first time in years, you feel content. All problems in your life have become irrelevant.You feel complete. As if she was the missing piece to your life you’ve been searching for all along.
Firing off a quick text, you ask her if she wants to meet up tomorrow for a drink. For hours, you anxiously await her response ignoring your friends as you wonder what she’s doing, if she’s seen your message, and if she’ll say “yes”.
Two hours later, she responds, saying that she’d love to see you again.
And just like that…you’re hooked.
“This is it!” you think to yourself. “This is what I’ve been waiting for all along!”
Leaving your friends, you head home and go to bed, tossing and turning for hours as you try, unsuccessfully, to quiet your excited and over-eager mind.
You don’t yet know it, but you’ve just been stricken with one of the most toxic diseases a man can develop.
It seems innocuous, beneficial even, but spells the death of your masculinity and the slow but certain decay of your attractiveness, respect and power as a man.
The disease of “oneitis”.
What is Oneitis and Where Does it Come From?
Oneitis is, to put it bluntly, a psychological “disease” where a man falls deeply and wholly in love with a woman to the point of obsession in a short period of time. Typically, although not exclusively, it happens with a woman that you barely know or who does not share your feelings.
Urban Dictionary defines oneitis as:
“An unhealthy romantic obsession or fixation for one person. This mental disease will often interfere with your ability to attract said person, due to your clinginess.”
It is a condition characterized by statements like, “She completes me”, “She’s the only one for me”, and (my personal favorite) “She’s different from any other woman I’ve met.”
Although oneitis can occur within any context (e.g. a long term relationship, friendship, or marriage) it typically occurs when a man feels an intense and insatiable sense of liking (oneitis is not true love) for a woman who does not reciprocate his intense feelings.
Most commonly it appears when a man meets a woman and instantly (and whole-heartedly) falls in love with her before he knows anything about her. He ignores any red flags, idealizes her personality, projects unrealistic (and unhealthy) expectations on her, and analyzes even the subtlest words and actions in a desperate attempt to discern signs of interest.
“Oh my god! Michelle played with her hair while I was talking to her and laughed at one of my jokes! She must love me as much as I love her” ~A guy with a bad case of oneitis.
It’s important to note that oneitis is not simply a feeling of intense love for a woman. There’s nothing wrong with the process of falling in love. Of finding someone who melds perfectly with your vision, values, and lifestyle. Of finding one woman who you truly and deeply love, trust, and care for (who reciprocates your feelings) and agreeing to share your lives together and work as teammates to create a brighter future.
When tempered with a small dose of realism–e.g. understanding that your partner is an imperfect person and that your first responsibility is to your own well-being and fulfillment–there is nothing wrong with this.
Furthermore, there is a fundamental difference between toxic oneitis and grounded persistence.
As a strong grounded man, you may find and casually date a woman who is a perfect fit for your life but is not yet ready for a serious relationship or monogamous commitment. In this case, being persistent (going out on dates, staying in contact, and enjoying the time you do share together) is acceptable.
There’s nothing wrong with saying, “I dig you and think we’d be great together. I get that right now maybe it’s not the right time for you, but I think we really connect well and have fun together, I’d be open to taking things to the next level and seeing where things go.” So long as you continue to focus on your own life, actively socialize and engage with other women, and enjoy your life while leaving your options open…this is a healthy attitude to have.
Oneitis is not. It stems from a place of neediness and desperation, of needing a specific woman to feel complete, happy, and whole…even when that woman does not share your feelings (or even know that you like her).
This disease stems from a scarcity mindset, lack of self-confidence, past relationship struggles, and an inability to meet and create attraction with new women.
Because you feel unworthy as a man and lack excitement, adventure, and fulfillment in your own life, you act like Gollum from The Lord of the Rings, holding onto one woman, being mesmerized and easily infatuated by your new “precious”…even though your obsession eats away at your psyche and prevents you from ever having a fulfilling relationship with the woman you crave.
Further, oneitis is caused by the belief that you will “never” meet a woman like this one ever again.
When afflicted by this disease, the most exciting part of your day, and indeed your life, is when you day dream about this new woman…a woman you barely know.
It is a sign of a much greater problem in your life and suggests that you have failed to prioritize your own personal growth, lifestyle, and masculine development.
Although there is no judgment here (trust me, I’m no stranger to this affliction), you must understand that when you have oneitis, she is not the problem…you are.
And only you can cure yourself of this disease and transform yourself into the kind of man who can authentically attract the right woman into his life.
Do I Have Oneitis? A Simple Self-Diagnosis
If you want to know, definitively, if you have oneitis or not, there’s a simple self-diagnosis you can use and it goes like this…
If you think, “When I get the girl, then I’ll be…happy, enough, fulfilled, complete.” You have oneitis.
It doesn’t matter if you’re thinking of a specific woman or if this is the mindset you carry into all of your interactions with attractive women…you have oneitis.
You cannot predicate your sense of self-worth, confidence and happiness on another person–no matter how amazing they are.
True attraction and lasting love is best achieved when you have created these feelings first internally. When you already feel like you are enough as a man and have what you need to feel happy, content, and fulfilled.
Paradoxically, the less you need women to feel validated and “enough” as a man, the more attractive you are with beautiful women.
You must be the flame (attract), not the moth (chase) to enter relationships with the most desirable women.
Although this simple self-diagnosis can be helpful when wrestling with the challenges of oneitis, it is often insufficient to truly diagnose the condition.
To determine further if you have oneitis, you can ask yourself the following questions…
- Have I ever rejected a stunning woman? The type of women most guys would chase (not to equate physical beauty with value, but for the sake of simplicity call her a “9” or “10”)? If the answer is “no”, you’ve never had true abundance of women and it’s likely that you are chronically prone to oneitis.
- Have you had long term doubts about your relationship or actively tolerated “bad” behavior from a romantic partner (flagrant disrespect, stealing, infidelity, lying, manipulation, etc.) If “yes”, you probably have oneitis.
- Do you go “above and beyond” to make a romantic partner feel special without reciprocation–sending gifts, loving text messages, acts of service–even though your effort is not appreciated? Then you probably have oneitis.
It’s important to note that oneitis is not a “one size fits all” problem. Much like autoimmune conditions, oneitis can appear in varying degrees and levels.
Level 1: Slight Oneitis: You recently met and can’t stop thinking about her. She’s the highlight of your day and life. You’re always wondering what she’s thinking and anxiously await her response to your messages and advances.
Level 2: Classic Oneitis: You’re obsessed with her. You can’t stop thinking about her and you take your obsession beyond the internal and into the external. You buy her gifts, send her flowers, text her frequently, and analyze everything she says and does like clockwork.
Level 3: Terminal Oneitis: You’re only a breath away from becoming a full-fledged stalker. You call, text, and show up at her front door without response. You fantasize about a future with her–marriage, buying a house, having kids–act like a nosey boyfriend before you’ve had sex. Feel insecure about the slightest things and act controlling, getting visibly agitated when she talks to other men or goes out with her friends.
Again, it’s important that you look at yourself objectively and without judgment.
If you currently have oneitis to any degree, it does not make you a bad person or an unlovable man. But it is a problem. A problem that must be addressed with self-love, respect, and assertiveness, but a problem nonetheless.
Why is Oneitis a Problem For You and Her?
While the potential problems of oneitis should be abundantly clear by now, the true implications of this disease are far more sinister and obscure than most men realize.
The first, and most serious problem presented by unchecked oneitis is that you will begin to lose your power, both inside of your relationship and as a man.
When you have oneitis…when you see one woman as the end all, be all of your life and the sole arbiter of your confidence, self-esteem, and vision for a brighter future. When this happens, you unconsciously fall into beta behaviors as you plead and beg to make her happy and get her to love you back.
You reach a point where “her opinion > my opinion” and you will discard your very identity to earn her approval.
Instead of prioritizing your own growth, goals, and well-being, you prioritize her.
You will forgo working on your vision and mission in life to spend more time with her. “Guys night out” will become a thing of the past and you will sever ties to close friends in an effort to accommodate her schedule. If she does not reciprocate feelings of attraction for you, you will become obsessed to the point of insanity, allowing your idealized version of one woman to dominate your mind and control your thoughts then worst, actions.
And if you do happen to luck your way into a relationship with the woman in question, your oneitis will be the death of the relationship.
The reason is simple…Women will always choose their best option (as do you). If given the opportunity to earn $50,000 or $500,000 a year for the exact same job and effort, you would always select the latter. Not because you’re a bad, greedy, or selfish person but because it’s human nature.
Women are the same way. She wants to find the best man possible. A man who she sees as “the prize”. A man who adds value to her life and gives her butterflies in her stomach too and meets most of her needs and then some.
But when caught in the throes of oneitis, you are incapable of being this man, even if you try to hide it. You will unintentionally repel her and smother any hope of attraction because of your weak behavior, lack of personal power and boundaries.
Simply put (and I know this might be hard to hear), when you have oneitis you are never a woman’s best option.
High-quality women don’t want to be the center of your life. They want to join you in an already amazing life in progress.
She wants to see that there are other people in your life who you love and connect with and who respect you as a man (social proof).
She wants to see that you have an exciting and adventure-filled life with plenty of hobbies, passions, and pursuits you enjoy.
She wants to feel like she is winning because she is dating you when you could be with other women.
She wants the satisfaction of finding and keeping a high-quality grounded man in her life.
And none of this is possible when you have oneitis.
When you chase her, need her, and cling to her every word, thought and move, you repel her.
When you suspend your life, ambitions, and passions in a blind scramble to win her love and affection she cannot feel attraction for you because you are not acting in an attractive way.
It’s like a clingy guy friend who gets offended when you take more than 30-minutes to respond to his messages or tell him that you can’t hang out tonight because you have other obligations. It’s unattractive and just damn annoying. Grounded Men are too busy to care about such trivial matters.
If she’s a high-quality woman, she will eventually grow tired of your weak behavior and leave you for a stronger man who can fulfill her needs. If she’s a low caliber woman who has very little going for her in her own life (we call this, “the perfect storm”), she will use you and control you. She will take advantage of your blind and controlling lust and manipulate you to get what she wants (potentially while sleeping with men she’s really attracted to behind your back).
Oneitis always leads to either heartbreak or manipulation. There is no middle ground.
To make matters worse, oneitis becomes a destructive force in your own life.
Most men fail to realize the opportunity cost of a myopic obsession with one woman.
While you are fawning and at the mercy of one woman (out of nearly 4 billion), you potentially miss out on dozens of amazing relationships with women who are actually a great fit for your life. Instead of pursuing an abundant dating life, meeting and dating many women, and then selecting one (or agreeing to a fun polyamorous relationship with many) from a place of strength and abundance, you settle for the first woman who liked you back.
You give up on your passions, hobbies, and career opportunities to make her happy (or to spend more time thinking about how you could make her happy…if only she would return your calls), and you waste your time thinking about someone who rarely thinks about you.
At its worst, oneitis can lead to a miserable relationship with a woman poorly suited to your life (and likely a nasty break up soon enough). At its best, it leads to months or even years of wasted time, senseless obsession, and endless frustration as you pine for the lover who won’t return the love equally.
Either way, it’s a ticking time bomb from the start that has the potential to destroy your relationship, self worth and future.
How Can You Cure Oneitis for Good?
Now that you understand what oneitis is, why it’s a problem, and whether or not you are currently struggling with this disease, we arrive at the most important point in our conversation.
How do you cure it and move on with your life?
Luckily, the answers to this question are elegantly simple.
1. Assess and Improve Your OWN Life
The first step to overcoming oneitis and beta tendencies is to ruthlessly examine and assess your life.
Strong, happy, confident, and fulfilled men do not fall victim to the trap of oneitis and if you’re currently struggling with unhealthy obsessions and feelings of neediness for a single woman (or even women in general), it is a sign that something deeper is going on.
To get to the root of the problem, you need to step back and objectively examine your life to understand why you feel the NEED to have this one woman in your life in the first place (you should want the girl, but not need her).
Are you stuck in a career that doesn’t fulfill you? Trapped in a perpetual cycle of “the same damn thing”, clocking in, clocking out, and doing nothing that excites or motivates you each day?
Do you lack a fulfilling social life and feel alone and cut off from the outside world? Do you lack close friends you can rely on, attractive women with whom you have platonic relationships, and regular social interactions that excite you?
Do you feel stuck in existential anxiety? Do you have an internally derived sense of purpose and meaning that makes sense of the chaos of the world or do you believe that your life is pointless, empty, and hollow?
What is lacking in your life that is manifesting itself as an unhealthy obsession with finding “the one”?
To cure your oneitis, you cannot answer these questions haphazardly. You must dig deep, wrestle with the realities of your life, and spend time in solitude and contemplation to arrive at the truth.
But once you arrive at your answer, the next step is simple…
Get. To. Work.
If you realize that your job sucks and you hate the way you spend 80% of your time, build a side hustle or look for a new job until you find something that feels exciting and meaningful.
If your social life is nonexistent, reconnect with old friends, join a meetup, or find groups of likeminded people you can build close bonds with. Even if it’s just two or three friends.
If you lack meaning and purpose in your life, find a worthy cause outside of yourself and devote your free time to adding value to the world and making a difference.
Put in the effort to build a spectacular life you love whether or not you have any single woman giving you validation and approval.
Hit the gym and start lifting weights to boost your confidence. Clean up your diet to feel more energized. Invest in a nicer wardrobe to have more swagg. Build the business or career you want. Invest in your social circle. Create a bucket list of things that excite you and start ticking off one item every month.
Inject more aliveness, excitement, and adventure into your life to create an environment where oneitis cannot exist.
In and of itself, this step is often enough to rid yourself of oneitis for good and begin to authentically attract the women you want…no obsession, neediness, or beta behaviors required.
But there are a few additional steps you can and should take to ensure that this toxic mindset never rears its ugly head again.
2. Remember the “Penis Test” to Reframe the Situation
In one of his standups, comedian Chris Rock joked that:
“Every guy, when they open their mouth to an attractive woman is basically saying…’ do you want some dick’?”
And his words carry more weight than most people realize
When most men interact with women, their sole intention is to say the right things at the right time, so the night can end with sex or getting her phone number.
They’re just another horny guy who wants to get in her pants.
Oneitis is the ultimate manifestation of this paradigm. Oneitis isn’t love. It’s infatuation. It’s a primal desire to get what you want and receive sexual gratification from her…not a healthy desire to create a mutually beneficial partnership (that happens to include a lot of sex).
And to break free from its clutches, you must find a way to offer more value to the women you meet than making it just about your hungry cock (because I can promise you…they can get that anytime, anywhere).
Consider that any attractive woman could travel to any city or country and find a man who will sleep with her within 15 minutes, even without speaking the language. Could you?
What can you offer to her beyond a (hopefully) mutual orgasm?
The answer is simple…positive emotions.
Women more than ever, like men, want to feel alive. They want excitement, adventure, fun, and intrigue. They want a man who will distract them from the challenges of their life, bring them fully into the present moment, and elicit emotions they haven’t felt in years.
If you want a play-by-play system to help you master your interactions with women, become “THAT” guy she dreams about, and develop yourself into a strong grounded man capable of authentically and naturally attracting high-quality women into his life, then I want to invite you to get a copy of my best-selling book, The Dating Playbook for Men.
I share everything I’ve learned about women and dating after more than 10 years of experience and interviewing 100+ of the world’s biggest experts on psychology, seduction, and social dynamics.
This is the only shortcut on the planet and if you’ll take action on this system and put in the work, you can and will build an abundant dating life and find the woman of your dreams.
To provide this type of value, you must start by asking yourself better questions.
Instead of thinking, “How do I get/win/conquer/possess her?”, ask yourself, “How can I create a shared adventure that she will remember for years to come? How can I authentically share myself, my interests, and my personality in a fun and exciting way?”
Shift your frame from, “How do I get her to like me?” to “How can I have a blast, enjoy myself and share my personality…whether or not she’s into it?”
Again, paradoxically, women are attracted to men who are not trying to make her feel attracted to him. They want a man who is authentic, fun, and going on a wild adventure…with or without her. The show goes on, and she may or may not be apart of it.
When you show up with confidence, self-amusement, and a genuine desire to have fun and make the people (not just the women) you meet feel alive and appreciated, everything changes.
By removing the scarcity mentality from your psyche, you can fall into a deep appreciation for where you are in any given interaction.
She’s hot, funny, intelligent, and witty. Great! Now learn to appreciate those traits without needing validation in return.
Have fun with her. Admire the things you like. Call out the things you don’t. Share positive emotions for the sake of positive emotions and learn to enjoy the company of a woman even if you know that you aren’t going to have sex with her or even see her again.
When you can do this…
When you can make a woman feel alive, beautiful, and appreciated for who she is without needing her to reciprocate anything, the doors of attraction fly wide open and the situation is now reversed. She will start chasing you!
When you can honestly say to a woman, “I like you…I enjoy spending time with you and would love to continue this interaction…but if you have other things going on, feel free to go,” she will be drawn to you like a magnet. It’s very rare an attractive woman will meet a man who radiates this aura of freewill around her.
3. Get a “Oneitis Vaccine” by Building an Abundant Social Life
The ultimate cure to oneitis is, as I’ve been alluding to throughout this entire article, abundance.
Without exception, men with oneitis tend to have very empty social lives and tend to suffer from loneliness and isolation.
Because they’ve never experienced abundance, they cannot act from abundance.
The solution is simple. It isn’t easy. But it’s simple.
To create true abundance, you must commit whole-heartedly to mastering your social and romantic life.
If you’re struggling with oneitis, do this…
For the next 6 months, commit to being single and loving it. Do not get into a serious relationship. Do not become exclusive with any one woman. And don’t settle into casually dating the same woman for several months or years because you have no better options.
Instead, go on a “social mastery quest.”
Join as many groups and meetups as you can. Take a CrossFit, salsa or yoga class. Go out with friends and acquaintances (or even go out solo and introduce yourself to new people) at least twice a week.
Approach and introduce yourself to at least 5 new women every week. Get rejected. Smile and carry on. Learn from it. And continue to improve yourself and grow as a man.
If you will commit to social mastery and go all-in on your social life, by the time your 6-month quest is over, you will have a pool of interesting friends and possible lovers adding value to your life.
You must diversify your sources of positive emotions–having multiple friend groups, hobbies, passions, adventures, and missions–to fulfill you. By doing this, you will build redundancies into your life and ensure that if any pillar of your life falls (e.g. you lose a friend, a work project fails, a woman dumps you), you can remain steadfast on your path in life.
You will build true abundance and enter into the dating game from a completely new frame and in a whole new way.
Instead of having your life dictated by the whims and desires of one woman, you will realize that you can quickly replicate the emotions you feel with a new woman in a relatively short amount of time. You will taste abundance and refuse to settle for anything less ever again.
4. Tap Into the Power of Purpose to End Oneitis for Good
Ultimately, the most effective antidote to the scourge of oneitis is simple…
You must create a purpose for your life so powerful and moving that it takes precedence over any one woman.
The men that women are most uncontrollably attracted to…the men who command respect with their presence…who have their “pick of the litter” and the opportunity to enjoy high-quality relationships with the highest quality women are always, without exception, the men with the strongest sense of purpose and mission in their lives.
A man with a strong purpose is like a mountain. No matter how many storms life throws at him, he will stand strong in the face of adversity and find a way to endure.
A man without a purpose is like a leaf in the wind that will be battered to and fro by the slightest gust of wind.
When it’s all said and done, your purpose is everything as a Grounded Man.
And if you’re struggling with oneitis in the present moment, the root cause of your condition is your lack of purpose.
But finding your purpose is no easy task. It’s not something you can accomplish simply by sitting in the woods or eating a handful of magic mushrooms.
It is a lifelong process that will evolve and adapt alongside you. Your purpose today could be something as simple as getting out of debt, finding a job you love, or reclaiming control of your physical health.
Tomorrow, your purpose could be to reinvent education, write a best-selling book, or impact 1,000,000 lives with powerful content.
There is no right or wrong answer to the question of purpose. Only answers that are authentic to who you are and what you want.
If you’re struggling with this right now, then your purpose is simple…to find a purpose by turning your life into a grand adventure and experiencing everything this planet has to offer. Travel the world. Take classes in a wide variety of disciplines. Start new side hustles. Read more great books and biographies of movers and shakers. Get out of your comfort zone and experience more of life.
Because the truth that most people don’t realize is your purpose is not something that is found…but something you create. Your purpose is a conscious and personal decision. It’s something that is meaningful to you. Something you’re willing to devote your life to and, if necessary, suffer for.
Once you have chosen and devoted yourself to your purpose, oneitis can no longer exist. You will be too focused on changing your life, impacting the world, and achieving your dreams to give yourself over to the childish fantasies and unrealistic idealizations of oneitis.
You will show up as a stronger, more grounded, and more attractive man…and women will notice.
You will find yourself, perhaps for the first time in your life, not only being the prize, but feeling like the prize. You will know what you have to offer and you will not settle for anything less than you deserve.
And not only will your purpose eradicate all traces of oneitis from your life, but it will transform you into a Grounded Man.
Curing yourself of oneitis is no easy task, I know.
It is not something that will happen overnight and no article or video or course can magically do the hard work for you.
It will take time to heal yourself of oneitis. To develop your confidence. To grow as a man. To create a powerful purpose. And to build a life of true abundance–socially, romantically, physically, and financially.
But I can tell you from personal experience, it is one of the most important and worthwhile endeavors you will ever undertake.
If you will commit to this journey, go all in, and take action on everything I’ve shared with you, you will experience an internal revolution as a man and show up to the world (and to women) in a completely new way.
And it is my hope that this article will light a fire under your ass and set the wheels of change in motion.
Because I can promise you, the pay off is worth the price.
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