Modern man is faced with a difficult conundrum: We want to be dominant in our relationships but, for many guys, the fear of ‘masculine toxicity’ holds us back.
The old-school male role in relationships has become obsolete. We are no longer the breadwinners, the protectors, the men of the house. The rise of feminism has done a world of good for women but it’s left too many men feeling displaced and confused.
Fortunately, there is an answer… So long as you’re willing to rewrite your definition of a dominant male.
Yes, it’s a far cry from the wife-beating, beer-touting, tank-top wearing hooligan of yesterday. Finding your rightful place in your relationship doesn’t have to be a challenge. It means finding the power in your own self-assuredness and confidence.
If you’re ready to turn over a new leaf, you could find that you already have the potential for grounded, stable dominance.
Let’s delve into why that’s irresistible to would-be partners and how you can hone your alpha male skill-set. Get comfortable and let’s begin.
Research Proves Dominant Men Are Attractive
It’s no secret that women find dominant men attractive. But the truth is that we live in a hyper-feminine world so the rules have changed. Tip the dominance balance too far and you’ll end up labeled as ‘aggressive’ or, worse, a ‘toxic male’. Once tarnished with these low-life names, you might find your bad rap hard to shake.
Let’s get one thing straight: dominance is a turn-on. But it’s not the only thing that matters.
In a well-meaning bid to be an alpha male, we might forget that women value more than our sheer brute strength. Yes, they lust after strong, assertive men. Who wouldn’t?
But show any sign of aggressiveness and you’ve lost the game.
Chances are, you’ve seen the difference with your own eyes. But—if you don’t believe me—let’s look at the science here.
Three studies by Lauri Jensen-Campbell and colleagues suggest that women only find dominant men attractive when they also have prosocial traits, such as being kind, friendly, and giving. The takeaway is that dominance is only a turn-on for women when they already think you’re an all-around ‘nice guy’.
And it doesn’t end there. Jeffrey Snyder and colleagues published a paper called ‘The Dominance Dilemma’ delving into whether women really did prefer dominant men.
The study found that women didn’t find aggressive dominance attractive. Why? The authors suggested that women are socialized to avoid aggressive men in case they turn their anger on them. In short, women won’t go near men who could turn nasty at any point.
Dominance vs. Aggression: What’s the Difference?
“A man who is not afraid is not aggressive, a man who has no sense of fear of any kind is really free; a peaceful man.” Jiddu Krishnamurti
The biggest mistake you can ever make is confusing masculinity with aggression. It’s not your fault.
The mixed messaging when it comes to ‘being the man’ is a minefield to navigate. We’ve got to be strong but tender, powerful but caring, and assertive but understanding.
Jumping through those carefully-positioned hoops just ain’t easy.
Aggression comes from fear and insecurity. Dominance, on the other hand, comes from security and confidence. We all need to understand the difference.
Learning how to become truly dominant—but not aggressive—will take time, effort, and a real willingness to change.
Before we go into how to be dominant in a relationship, let’s take a second to look at the main differences here. Think of this as a cheat sheet:
Signs of a Dominant Man
- Physically strong
- Mentally strong
Signs of an Aggressive Man
You can be ‘the man’ without ticking any of the aggressive boxes.
Becoming a strong, grounded man means avoiding aggression and, instead, taking a solid stance. Understanding the difference between these two character traits is a smart starting point. Join my elite coaching system today and get ready to spark a personal revolution in your life, relationships and fundamentally change the man you are today for good.
8 Ways to Be Dominant in a Relationship
Now we’ve side-stepped the notion that dominance equals aggression, let’s get into it.
Becoming a dominant force in your relationship doesn’t have to be hard. It’s not about being hyper-masculine or going into overdrive.
It’s much quieter and calmer. You should have a stoic outlook and silent confidence. Here are some of the ways to get there:
1. Respectfully make the first move and tap into your masculine energy
Picture the scene: You’re on a date and time’s ticking. She’s been flirty—she touched your arm and laughed when you were chatting. She’s making a ton of eye contact. All signs point to her being into you…. But she’s just not making the move.
Traditionally, men are taught to make the first move—the stereotype is that a man smoothly leans in and passionately kisses his date. So far, so good.
But it’s a troublesome world out there these days.
The #MeToo movement has been vital to female victims of sexual harassment and abuse. We can’t deny its importance and stand by the women who have the courage to speak up.
However, there’s an unfortunate side effect of this change of tides: many men are scared to make the first move.
Asking ‘Can I kiss you?’ sounds borderline pathetic. It’s not hot. It’s not sexy. Unless…of course… you do it right.
Having the confidence to say ‘I can’t stop thinking about kissing you’ and seeing her response is one way to go. There’s nothing more attractive than a confident man who isn’t afraid to ask for what he wants.
Tap into that masculine energy.
2. Provide for your partner
What do you bring to the table in a relationship? Dominant partners are often the providers.
It’s why men used to be the head of the household back in the 1950s. We went out and worked long hours, and came home to a devoted wife and family.
It’s no shock that times have changed.
That old trope of a working man and a housewife has gone out of the window… and so it should.
These days, more than 50% of American women work—that could mean anything from a full-time job to part-time hours. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that the female of the species pull their weight and then some.
If you want to be the dominant one in the relationship, you need to provide for your partner. That means putting food on the table, paying for (some) date nights, and having the resources to make life comfortable.
It’s not about women being gold diggers—it’s about them naturally desiring financial stability in a partner.
Of course, we all start life from different points. You can’t control your socioeconomic background.
You always can’t control your natural skill-set and earning potential. However, you can still offer security to a partner.
Wherever you’re starting from, ambition is golden.
3. Make plans for both of you
Date nights. Vacations. Weekend breaks. Dinner.
When you’re in a relationship, there’s no end to plans you can make.
Ask yourself a simple question: Who makes those plans? Do you rely on your partner to make reservations, or do you take the lead and do it yourself?
Think about it…
There’s nothing dominant about a man who sits at home and waits for his partner to decide what to do.
Now, it doesn’t mean that you have to plan an epic date night every week (you can—but you don’t have to!).
However, having the foresight to arrange things for you and your partner shows you’re willing to be the leader in the relationship.
4. Learn the power of ‘no’ without being blunt or rude
Sure, you want to compromise with your partner and you shouldn’t be saying ‘no’ for the sake of it.
However, you shouldn’t be saying ‘yes’ either and all the time. When your partner asks you something—it might be a favor, for example—consider whether you want to do it, whether you can do it, and whether you should do it.
Some men fall into the trap of saying ‘yes’ to everything.
They want to keep the peace and don’t want to annoy their partner. These guys will do almost anything to avoid an argument.
There’s something to be said for that attitude… but it’s not positive.
When you’re eager to please all of the time, your partner will become all-too used to it. Worst case scenario—if they are particularly toxic—they may start to take advantage and be abusive.
‘No’ is a powerful word. If you’ve weighed up the options and determined that you can’t do something, or even that you don’t want to, say it.
You don’t have to be blunt or rude. Have confidence in your decision and explain your reason.
For example, you could say ‘Sorry I can’t look after your cat that weekend, I already have plans’ or ‘Sorry I don’t want to go ice skating. Do you want to go to the cinema instead?’
Keep it simple. Don’t over-explain.
5. Show up and show you care
Life ain’t easy. Not by a long shot.
Both you and your partner will face hardships. How you handle them is up to you.
There are plenty of scenarios to consider here: Your partner might lose a family member, fall out with a close friend, or get fired from their job.
Sadly, you can’t control these factors—some things will always be out of your hands.
Whatever the reason, if your partner is going through something, it’s time to step up. Being emotionally available to them at this time is vital.
Your partner may want someone to hear them out; they may want someone to lend them some cash; they may literally want a shoulder to cry on. Being your partner’s go-to person will instantly make you dominant.
Fact is, you might not always have the answer to their problem. Some problems—such as a family member dying—have no answer.
However, there is always a way that you can help or support them. Contrary to popular belief, there’s nothing emasculating about being there for the person that you love.
It takes a real man to show up and show that they care.
Supporting each other could be mutually beneficial. Research from Carnegie Mellon University suggests that people in supportive relationships are more likely to take on potentially rewarding challenges and work steadily towards personal growth.
6. Don’t lose your independence
Relationships can be all-consuming entities.
When you first meet your partner, you might want to spend every minute of every day with them. Scientifically speaking, ‘love’ gives you a massive hit of hormones—dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, and norepinephrine.
That potent concoction will push you to see your new partner as often as possible. It happens.
The last thing you want is to lose your sense of independence. If you’re spending 24 hours a day living in your partner’s pocket, you’ll have no time.
Your interests, hobbies, and, worst of all, your friends will fall by the wayside. One by one, the things that make you ‘you’ will disappear. Do you know what you are without all of the above? A very boring man.
It’s your typical Catch-22 situation.
As your independence slides away, you become less attractive to both yourself and your partner. There’s nothing less submissive than a man who lives for his partner and has no life of his own. Avoid this mistake at all costs.
7. Don’t change yourself just to fit in
“Be yourself. Everybody else is taken.” Oscar Wilde
Changing yourself for a partner is a big mistake. So she likes men with tattoos who listen to punk music and you’re a straight-laced suit type.
Switching up your aesthetic and interests to transform into her ‘perfect man’ isn’t the way to go. You can get a sleeve and blast The Sex Pistols… but, chances are, you’re not the best fit for each other.
A dominant man is confident in his interests, appearance, and every other aspect of his life. Trying to fit into a circle when you’re a square will only leave you feeling out of shape.
Instead, you need to be sure of yourself—who you are, what makes you unique, and why people should be attracted to you. Doing this internal work first makes you more dominant.
8. Never ask for permission or be submissive
‘Can I go out this weekend?’ or ‘Can I watch the game later?’ These are phrases that should never pass by your lips.
Say it with me: Your partner is not your boss. They don’t get to determine how you spend your time or what you do… within reason.
Of course, you should consider your partner when making plans but you are your own man.
There’s a difference between respect and submission.
Respect means considering your partner’s needs and feelings when making decisions. Submission is asking their permission before you do anything at all.
If your behavior is more in line with the latter, you’re never going to be the dominant force in the relationship. You’ve already lost.
Understand that your time is your own. Only you get to decide what you do with it. By reclaiming that power and acknowledging that fact, you will do yourself a massive favor.
Be dominant and improve your love life
If you’re going to be the kind of man who wants to be dominant in your relationship with women from the beginning, you’re going to have to learn how to be a grounded man and improve yourself first. Think of it like weight lifting for your mind.
Developing the ability to take charge in conversations or even arguments is a learned skill, but one that must be developed if you want any kind of success with women. I invite you to watch my free client orientation and redefine what it means to be dominant in a relationship to build deeper connections and relationships you’ve always wanted.