As a man, your foundation is built on your confidence in your value. When a woman ghosts you, your foundation is rocked, and you’re given the opportunity to prove yourself.
Will your confidence crumble and break, or do you know your worth enough to shrug your shoulders and move on?
If you’ve been ghosted before or are being ghosted now, you don’t need me to explain what it feels like. If you haven’t, count yourself lucky because it’s not something you want to go through.
Being ghosted leaves you with unanswered questions, confusion, and worst of all, a nagging, degrading sense that you aren’t enough–that you aren’t worth it.
Maybe things would be different if you had been a better man for her. Maybe she ghosted you because of something completely out of your control. Maybe she was playing with you all along or feeding her endless craving for attention.
As a men’s relationship coach for ten plus years, I’ve learned that there are so many “maybes” that accompany being ghosted by someone. Today, we are going to clear up some of your confusion by answering the two big questions of ghosting:
- Why do women ghost men?
- How do you respond and recover from being ghosted by a woman?
Let’s get into it…
6 Reasons Why She Ghosted You
Before getting into the meat of the topic, I’d like to define ghosting and clarify that there are quite a few versions and variations of this broad, overarching term. Here are the most common:
- Ghosting after a couple of dates: You’ve been texting for a while, even gone on a few dates, and suddenly, she’s not replying. You were never official and were only just approaching “more than friends” status, but it can hurt like a break-up because you saw so much potential. Usually, when women ghost men in this context, it’s something the man said or did or a sudden realization the woman had.
- Ghosting during the texting stage: In this case, you haven’t gone on an official date or even seen her face (common if you’re using dating apps). This is usually a lighter, less heart-breaking sort of ghosting, but when it happens enough to a man, it indicates a deeper issue and results in a loss of self-esteem. If girl after girl bails on you after only a few exchanged messages, it’s likely that you’ve just got the wrong approach.
- Ghosting in a serious relationship: Ghosting within a serious relationship can hardly even be categorized as ghosting. This is a wholesale loss of interest and cutting of communication that happens when someone doesn’t have the guts to end a relationship face to face.
Today we will be primarily discussing the first two as the third is indicative of serious issues that are better addressed in this article: why did she leave me?
There are hundreds of reasons that women ghost men, but they can essentially be condensed into the following six.
1. You came on too strong
What does it mean to come on too strong and why do women ghost men because of it?
At its core, the phrase “coming on too strong” means showing a woman an unreasonable amount of attention and attraction for your level of acquaintance.
Why is this a problem? Because women want to have a reasonable answer to the “why me” question.
When a woman asks herself, “Why is this guy talking to me and not one of the other girls in the world?”, she wants to have an answer that goes beyond her physical appearance or shallow things. She wants to be special.
When you come on too strong and show yourself easily won, you tell a woman three things:
- You must be desperate for love or physical touch.
- There could be thousands of other girls in her shoes–she just happens to be the pretty face in front of you for the time being.
- You don’t respect yourself enough to make someone earn your love. You’re ready to give it freely and easily.
Women want enough attention to feel that you’re interested in them, but not so much that they feel you’re desperate for them.
When you come on too strong, women don’t feel valued so they move on to look for someone whose love they have to actually earn.
2. She’s lost interest
Women hate boring men.
Men don’t like to hear it, but it’s true.
Many men make the mistake of thinking boring means you work in IT, you like video games, or you don’t circumnavigate the globe every few months.
No, this isn’t what women hate and why women ghost men. Women hate when men aren’t moving in some direction in life. They hate when men aren’t ambitious. They hate feeling stagnant in life and if you aren’t going to be a dynamic force making their life exciting in some way, they’re going to lose interest.
This doesn’t mean you need to change hobbies every week, develop an intense interest in the stock market, or pretend you’re someone you’re not.
It just means you need to be a man who is intent on growing and moving forward in life.
When women see this man, they want him. If they realize it’s a facade and you’re actually not headed anywhere exciting, they’ll ghost you and move on to greener pastures.
Do keep in mind, however, that it may not be your fault at all when a woman ghosts you. You may just not be her type. In that case, save yourself some self-esteem and move on.
3. She mistook your slow approach for lack of interest
I’ve seen it happen more times than I can count in my coaching career: a man is afraid of coming on too strong and scaring the woman off, so he goes slow and fails to show enough attention to convince the woman of his interest or convey his strong feelings.
Before he has a chance to show the depth of his emotions, she’s ghosting him.
Even a woman who is extremely fond of a man will have no choice but to shrug her shoulders and move on if he moves too slowly or isn’t clear enough about his intentions.
As a man, this can leave you feeling trapped. Move too quickly or with too much intention and you’ll scare her off, but wait and act cautiously and she’ll never know how you feel.
The truth is, there IS a perfect balance. There is a healthy medium that makes a woman feel prized and desired without feeling like the subject of a man’s desperate grasp for attention.
Give women enough attention for them to feel valuable, but not so much that you lose yours.
4. She has commitment issues
Let’s face it: sometimes women ghost men for reasons that have nothing to do with the man.
I’ve worked with dozens of men facing this exact issue. They come to me, faces flushed, shoulders sagging in defeat, and with one question to ask: “What did I do wrong?”
The story is usually something like this. They met on a dating app. Everything was going well. They had been going on regular dates for a few months, chemistry was flowing, and everything about the future was looking bright. But when the question came up about moving from casual dating to a committed relationship, she fell silent, the date quickly concluded, and no communication has happened since.
If you have experienced something similar to this, it’s likely you’re dealing with a woman with commitment issues.
You aren’t the wrong guy. The blame’s not yours to bear. She’s ghosted you because her trust has been hurt in the past and she’s not ready for a long-term relationship.
5. She got what she needed
Not everyone is looking for the same things you are looking for in a relationship.
Many (like you) are looking for long-term commitment, shared life experiences, mutual emotional support, and maybe even a family in the future. Others are just looking to gain something, whether it be social rank, attention, temporary emotional support, or even good sex.
If you and the woman you are going after don’t have the same goals in a relationship, you’re likely going nowhere.
Many women ghost men when they’ve gotten what they want from them.
Once they’ve won the attention and care, had the sex, or gotten back at the ex, you have no more value to them.
Don’t waste your time on this sort of woman. She views you as a commodity, flees from long-term relationships, and will do what she’s done to you to a list of other guys when you let her go.
Develop a keen eye so you can spot these red flags on the first date and wave goodbye before you waste any emotion on her.
6. You’re a poor communicator
If you’re a bad communicator, it’s going to be tough to attract women.
This is something I learned the hard way as I have always been awful at communicating over text. I’ve always felt it feels so fake and have had a hell of a time holding a decent conversation or showing any interest or emotion over text.
After having a handful of women ghost me during my online dating career, I quickly realized that the quicker I could turn a texting conversation into a real-life first date, the better my odds were.
Once I mastered the art of sparking some initial interest over text, I won more first dates and was able to show my better side sooner.
If you, like me, struggle with basic communication skills and wonder why women lose interest or ghost you, you likely just need a few more tools in your communication toolkit.
Women tend to value a good communicator far more than men. Women ghost men when they don’t feel they are dealing with a good expresser.
How to Respond When You’ve Been Ghosted
So, you’ve been ghosted. What’s your next step?
Oftentimes, the true test of a man’s self-worth comes after the ghosting when he must face the emotional scars left behind.
Being shut out by someone you were developing care for knocks you down and sometimes getting back up is a lot more difficult than just accepting that there are “other fish in the sea” and moving on to greener pastures.
Even if a girl ghosts you for reasons completely out of your control, learning to trust enough again to expose your heart to pain once more is often a long road.
Acknowledge your mistakes and find ways to overcome your weaknesses.
Most of the time, when a woman gives you the cold shoulder, there’s no way back. Texting her repeatedly, trying to reach her through mutual friends, or finding ways to “bump into” her in town only decreases your chances of getting back with her.
Women hate a pathetic man more than anything, and a strong reaction to her ghosting makes you look desperate and confirms in her mind that she made the right decision.
Better is to take a step back, give yourself some time, and assess the situation. Relationships are essentially power games and freaking out when you’ve been ghosted tells a woman that they hold all the power over you.
It may be her emotional insecurity or inability to commit that caused her to run. It may be something you did. She may just need time to think. In any case, if she’s ever going to change her mind, she’s going to need space and time.
This leaves you with plenty of opportunity to ponder what you may have done wrong and figure out how you’re going to avoid it in the future.
Practice authenticity and be the best version of yourself.
Here is where the true test of character comes: moving on.
If you’re an active participant in the modern dating world, it’s likely that you will be ghosted. What sets you apart from other men is how quickly you get to your feet, dust yourself off, and move forward. Or, better, how you avoid getting knocked down entirely.
A grounded man moves on quickly when a woman ghosts him. He knows that a woman who doesn’t recognize his value isn’t worth his time.
If and when he does screw up and a girl ghosts him, he is quick to acknowledge his mistakes and move forward because, for the grounded man, the only way is forward.
Wasting your time on someone who doesn’t value you enough to give you a chance or fails to see your qualities all together is a quick route to low self-esteem.
If a woman realizes you’re not the type of man she wants to be with, in most cases, she’s not the woman you want to be with. The sort of women you want to attract are those who find the traits of a high-quality man attractive.
Girls ghost men for legitimate and illegitimate reasons.
You may have come on too strong and scared her off, gone too slow and left her questioning your interest, or you may just be an awful communicator. Or, it could have nothing to do with something you did. Maybe she isn’t ready for a committed relationship or was just looking for sex.
Whatever the case, by the time it happens, it’s usually irrelevant whose immaturity is to blame. It’s time to move on, grow, and not waste any more time aching over something that’s going nowhere.
You only have so much time to date and so much heart to break. If you’re looking for a committed relationship, you can’t waste your heart and time on people who aren’t looking for the same thing and aren’t willing to value you for what you bring to the table.
I’ve worked with too many men who have given their time and emotion to lost causes and dealt with years of pain and lacking self-esteem because of it.
I’ve grown fed up with men not giving themselves the value they deserve and have turned this frustration into the inspiration that brought forth knowledge for men.
I’ve put together a group of men like yourself…a band of brothers to hold each other up during hard times and push each other to be the best. The best lovers, the best fathers, the strongest men.
If you’re tired of living in mediocrity and are looking to put the nice guy to bed, rewire your vision for your future, and step fully into healthy masculinity, our brotherhood is for you.
At some point, we all must ask ourselves if the life we are living now is really the one we want to be living. If your answer is no, then it’s time for you to act and take the reins of your existence on this earth in your own hands.