No woman wants to be with a passive man.
Studies consistently show that passivity and lack of direction in men are among the biggest turn-offs to women.
Why?
Because women want to be led. They seek a man who can be a safe place–a harbor in the restless seas of life. They want to be taken on an adventure–swept off their feet, relieved of their emotional burdens, and taken somewhere far away.
For women, leadership and confidence in the face of difficulty is the epitome of masculine energy. If you can’t be this unwavering pillar of support for your wife or girlfriend, she will lose respect for you, or worse, resent you.
Too many guys nowadays take the backseat in their relationships, insisting that they are “easy-going” or prefer to “go with the flow.” No matter how much your strong woman swears she likes you like this, I can promise you from a decade plus in the men’s coaching industry that while she may like your relaxed personality, she will appreciate you more than anything if you take the lead more often.
Want to lead your relationship with confidence and make your partner fall in love with you all over again…devote yourself to intentionality.
Here is just how you do that…
1. Make Your Goals Clear From the Get-go
A relationship without clear direction or a game plan for building and maintaining love will go downhill quickly.
Your job as a man and a leader is to avoid this by discussing your intentions early on. When your relationship is young, you need to sit your woman down and in one way or another say:
I love you, you love me. Here is how I plan on nurturing that love. What do you think?
In this conversation, you set a precedent of intentionality while allowing her to contribute as any good leader does.
Your relationship should have frequent direct conversations–no phones, eye to eye, scheduled, intentional conversations. It’s the ultimate sign of a man who knows what he wants.
Here are some great examples of goals and intentions to state early on…
- “I want to go on four dates a month.”
- “I want to make it clear that I am dating for marriage.”
- “I want to approach conflicts by doing X, Y, and Z.”
- “I plan on spending at least one hour alone with you five days a week.”
- “I want to have sex at least every other day. What about you?”
Of course, the most important part of this goal-making process is proving that these aren’t just idle words by following through with the goals you set. If you can’t live up to something, don’t make the goal.
Disappointing your woman by not doing something you said you would is far worse than disappointing her by never saying you would.
2. Accept it: There is No Right Answer
I’ve always been a perfectionist in every aspect of my life.
So when it came to my first relationships and I saw that I was being looked to as a leader, I freaked out. Making perfect decisions for myself was tough enough, adding another to the mix, and not just any other but someone I wished more than anything to impress, sounded like hell at first.
This was until I stumbled upon perhaps my most life-changing revelation:
There is no right path or right answer.
As a leader in your relationship, your job is to make decisions for you and your partner that you think are best for both of you. Whether or not you make the “right” decision is actually of little consequence.
Humans subconsciously know that there are rarely right answers in life, so when it comes to making decisions, we tend to admire people for the act of making the decision more than the actual outcome.
Being a leader in your relationship isn’t about knowing all the right moves to make for a perfect play. It’s about communicating with your partner, making an intentional and active decision, and facing the consequences, good or bad, without regret or remorse.
Stop being so afraid of making mistakes that you make the biggest mistake of all: doing nothing.
Women want a man who moves in life.
3. Be Her Rock in Her Emotional Storms
Generally speaking, women are more emotional creatures than men…
- They score consistently higher on emotional intelligence and empathy tests.
- They suffer from anxiety and depression at a far greater rate than men (exact numbers vary, but usually between 30%-50% more)
- They cry an average of 5.3 times a month, while men cry just 1.3 times a month.
To lead effectively in your relationship, you need to understand this and embrace the role of a supporter for your wife or girlfriend.
When she’s down, your job is to pick her up along with her burdens and move forward. This dedication, strength, and determination is what women look for in men.
Emotions are often where nice guys lose out. They don’t just empathize, they make it their job to feel as emotional as their women do. Women hate this. When they’re sad, they don’t want you to own their emotions; they want you to tame their emotional fire with your even-keeled nature. Your job is to empathize and comfort while remaining grounded.
Being a leader doesn’t mean you can’t be emotional as well, it just means that you serve as the voice of balanced reason in situations that are overdramatized or emotionally weighted.
4. Learn to Listen Without Fixing
Perhaps the only thing women hate more than a passive man is an arrogant man.
As a masculine leader, there is a great temptation to view everything as a problem that needs addressing–to dominate conversations, preach, and enforce your will without consulting your partner.
Men think that the hardest part of leading is making decisions when the reality is that learning how to communicate effectively and cultivate an atmosphere of understanding is much more difficult.
Leading well is an art.
When you listen to your woman without assuming you know best:
- You assure her that your goal is unity and connection, and not just a satisfied ego
- You show her that you possess the humility to grow with her
- You give her a say in the direction of the relationship: people care a lot more about things they are actively invested in
- You avoid looking like a fool and putting out imaginary fires
Oftentimes it’s even helpful to wait until someone asks you for help. Imposing your help on your partner is rarely the right approach to leadership and the cultivation of a healthy relationship.
Know when to be silent and listen and you’ll cultivate the mutual respect that will help your romantic relationship thrive.
5. Do What You Say You Will
Here’s where so many men go wrong.
They leave a men’s coaching seminar or one-on-one training with their chest up, a new light in their eyes, and intentionality and purposefulness they’ve never felt before.
They burst into their partner’s room, sit them down, and tell them, “From now on, I am going to take you on a date every day, I’m going to work out at four each morning, and I’m going to give you a massage every night.”
Day one goes as planned and their partner is overjoyed at this undeniable explosion of masculine passion. But soon, inevitably, dates are getting skipped or pushed back, excuses are being made, and trust is being lost.
Never promise something that you won’t be able to follow through on. To earn your partner’s trust, you need to show her that you mean every word you speak.
Adhere to your words to such a degree that when you say you’ll do something, it’s as good as done.
If you aren’t able to keep big promises, then stick to small ones for a while until you can level up. Romantic relationships are built by men doing what they say they’re going to do.
6. Take Care of Yourself
Generally speaking, good leaders think of others before themselves. Your job is to stand in front of the freight trains of life and make your partner’s existence as easy as possible.
This does not mean that you shouldn’t take care of yourself, however.
The best way you can take care of your partner is by taking care of yourself so you are mentally and physically able to lead.
If you want a happy wife and a happy life, you need to know when to prioritize yourself. It’s extremely difficult to know how to deal with other’s emotional baggage without first dealing with your own.
How do you do this?
- Stop abusing your body: give up addictions, whether it be unhealthy food, porn, or drugs and alcohol.
- Take care of your body: regulate what you put into it, move it every day, and give it suitable rest every night.
- Find other men to open up to: men need men. It’s as simple as that. You need other men in your life to share your troubles with.
- Get alone time: sometimes the best way to lead is to give yourself some time off to do your own thing.
Neglecting your own health is neglecting your relationship. You have to conquer your own fears and do your inner work before you can hope to take the lead in your relationship.
7. Don’t Run from Masculine Energy
The modern world spits on the term “masculinity.”
And not necessarily without reason. The gun-toting, wife-beating toxic masculinity of the past tarnished the word “masculine” and gave the world good reason to fear it.
That said, healthy romantic relationships have healthy masculine energy at their core. Rejecting masculinity altogether has cost many men their relationships and far worse.
Masculine leadership is what binds healthy relationships together and often what, when lacking, causes their downfall. Your masculinity is a great gift that CANNOT be neglected.
Your job as a leader in your relationship is to discover the value of healthy masculinity–to uncover the power in restraint and the strength in vulnerability.
To lead your relationship effectively, you have to maintain a stoicism that projects reliability while remaining empathetic, understanding, and most importantly, humble. Once you cultivate this environment, your partner will be able to relax and fully step into her feminine energy.
Once this balance is found, the relationship will feel more fulfilling and gratifying to both of you.
Takeaways
You want to know how to take the lead in a relationship?
Live your own life with intentionality. It’s as simple as that. All seven of the points above are side-effects of embracing your life instead of sitting on the sidelines.
Want to be a leader? Get a goal. Get a vision. Take the reigns of your life and offer to bring your woman along. Stop worrying so much about heading in the wrong direction. Stop worrying about screwing up. The worst you can screw up is by not even trying.
Start following through with what you say you’re going to do, start taking care of yourself, and watch your relationship flourish. Your partner wants this masculine leadership in their lives and your fear and lack of intention is the only thing stopping you from giving it to her.
It’s time to step up as men.
Don’t know how or feel you need guidance in the first steps? I have something for you. After over a decade in the men’s self-improvement industry, I have put together a group of the best men’s coaches on the planet to help men just like you move forward in life.
Together, we have designed a program to help driven men overcome their pasts, destroy limiting beliefs and behaviors, and maximize their experience as men on this earth. This is not a gathering of toe-dippers who want to be handheld past the dragon into the treasury. This is a brotherhood of intentional men who understand that their lives will only change if they change.
Is your life stagnant? Are you tired of mediocrity? Are you about ready to be done dragging yourself out of bed each morning?
This is for you.
