Most relationships start with a high level of physical attraction and chemistry. You’re crazy about her, she’s crazy about you, and you can hardly keep your hands off each other.
But then, over time, something happens, and the fire starts to fade. It may occur over a few months or even a few years, but once it does, you and your partner struggle to bring things back to how they were.
For some couples, the novelty wearing off is a normal part of the ups and downs of a relationship. For others, the lack of attraction cannot be overcome and erodes the relationship.
Sexual attraction disappears, intimacy fades, and before long, it feels like you’re living with your roommate instead of your lover.
What’s often troubling for many people is that the emotional attraction is still there, even when the physical and sexual attraction fades. Of course, it’s unhealthy for a romantic relationship to exist on either of these extremes.
A healthy romantic relationship should have a physical, emotional, and intellectual connection. Sure, a relationship may last without one or two of these things, but it shouldn’t have to.
Today, I will guide you through what you need to do when you’re no longer attracted to your partner. While your current situation may be somewhat discouraging, there are ways to heal the relationship.
1. Physical? Emotional? Both? Figure Out The Root Cause
When we mention attraction, the first thing that comes to mind is the physical aspect. And while that may very well be what’s troubling you, don’t automatically assume this is the case.
Yes, if your partner begins dressing differently or experiences a change in her body, you may instinctually feel like the spark isn’t there. On the other hand, other factors that have nothing to do with how she looks might be at play.
If either of you have started working a stressful job or feel the burden of parental responsibilities that leave you both tired and stressed, these can be significant factors that contribute to the problem.
An excellent way to test this theory is to take a vacation or a small trip with just the two of you. If your level of attraction increases now that everyday burdens are out of the picture, you know where your problem is.
Remember the last time you felt attracted to your partner and list everything that has changed since then.
I can guarantee you have at least a few memories of your chemistry being at an all-time high. Look back at the people you were then and compare it to those you are now.
Is it a change in appearance? A shift in attire? A different job? A new living situation? List out every single thing you can think of. Then, try to rank them from the most to least significant.
Whatever the case is, before you take any steps to remedy the problem, you have to figure out the root cause of the problem itself.
2. Have an open and honest conversation
If you make your list and conclude that it is a physical problem causing you to lose your attraction, keep reading. If you’ve decided it’s something unrelated, skip this section and head to the next.
Physical attraction can be tricky — and can also be an especially subject to talk about. First, look at the underlying issue that’s causing the problem. Is it a change in your partner’s body? A lack of care for her appearance? A hygiene problem of some sort?
After narrowing down the problem, you need to discuss it with her. Of course, this may not be easy and will be a sensitive subject. Nevertheless, talking about it is a must.
In these situations, it’s a good idea to practice the conversation beforehand because there’s always the risk you will inadvertently offend your partner.
Whether you have a trusted friend, family member, therapist, or a coach to go over this with, getting an impartial opinion is a good idea in situations like these.
And when you finally talk to her about it, be sure to express yourself in a way that makes it clear you’re NOT attacking her. Always make it a point to be honest and respectful. Remember to frame it as “This is how I feel…” vs. “You’re making me feel…” It’s a subtle but important difference.
Explain that you care for her and miss the connection, attraction, and intimacy you once shared. Explain that this is about your relationship and not a personal attack on her.
And one quick note: Make sure you aren’t contributing to the problem in your own ways. Many men like to put on a front for the courting phase of the relationship, then carry themselves in an entirely different way once they get comfortable.
If you showed up on the first date with a fresh haircut, a three-piece suit, and a Rolex but now sulk around the house in old jeans and tattered t-shirts, you may have more to do with the problem than you’d like to admit.
Always remember that people feed off of each other’s energy. This is true in any social circle, whether with friends, family, coworkers, or with your lover.
If you expect your partner to carry herself a certain way and maintain a specific appearance, you should be willing to do the same.
3. Take charge of the situation to rebuild excitement
If you find your partner physically pleasing but still struggle with a lack of intimacy, fixing the problem will require a different approach.
Again, you need to narrow down the problem in order to make a plan of action. For example, many couples have tense relationships due to excessive arguing.
It isn’t that these couples have an aversion to physical intimacy or aren’t attracted to each other; their outward hostility creates a physical barrier between them. If you sleep on the sofa and your partner sleeps in the bedroom every night, it will be almost impossible to be physically intimate.
Similarly, maybe the two of you are so burdened with work and childcare that your relationship has no excitement. If you never go on dates, never take vacations, and have a dinner of tuna sandwiches and potato chips every night, you need to take action.
Think of new ways to spice up your relationship and reignite the spark. And just like I mentioned above, take a minute to self-reflect and see if you’ve contributed to the problem.
If one partner gets lazy, it’s common for the other person to follow suit. So, if the excitement has faded from your relationship, be aware that you might be at least partly responsible.
Take charge of the situation if you want to bring the excitement back. Remember, just because things aren’t going well right now doesn’t mean you must live with the situation.
If you resolve yourself to the idea that “this is just the way things are,” that’s exactly how they’ll be. But if you devote the effort to restore communication and get to the root cause of the problem, you can and will solve it.
4. Set Mutual Fitness Goals And Challenge Each Other
It’s no secret that men are motivated by challenges and healthy competition. Oftentimes, it’s not the activity itself but the challenge posed by a friend or coworker that pushes us to keep going.
Why not apply this to your relationship as well? Create a fitness routine that will allow you and your partner to challenge each other.
And you don’t have to start running marathons or entering Iron Man competitions; just taking the stairs instead of the elevator can make a significant improvement.
Whatever the goal is, the key will be sticking to it. If the two of you agree you’ll run a 5k by the end of the month, then you’d better make it a point to do so.
The point is to find something that gets both of your adrenaline pumping.
Getting fit together isn’t just about looking good; it’s about feeling good, being healthy, and sharing a common goal. A workout routine is more about showing commitment, dedication, and support than actual exercise.
In a society where so few people pay attention to physical fitness, just working out at all can boost confidence for both of you. And, as the saying goes, confidence truly is sexy.
Plus, if you are stuck in a rut where you do the same things repeatedly, hitting the gym together can be a great way to get your “us time” in a new way. Physical activity is a great way to disconnect from the daily grind, release stress, and create “feel good” hormones.
5. Don’t Neglect Lifestyle And Wellness Choices — Especially Your Own
Obviously, your main problem is that you no longer feel attracted to your partner, but do you consider yourself an attractive man?
From a woman’s perspective, attraction is multifaceted and often extends beyond mere physical appearance. It encompasses lifestyle and wellness choices, too.
And let’s face it: if you’re letting yourself go, it’s unfair to expect your partner to maintain the same level of attractiveness as when you first met.
So, take a moment to self-reflect. Are you prioritizing your health and making sound choices about your well-being? And what about your partner? Is she doing everything she can to maximize her vitality and energy?
In other words, does she feel the need to make herself attractive to you?
Many men are shocked to learn that their unhealthy habits are causing the fire to fade. These men have come to take their partners for granted and completely let themselves go.
They put the onus on their partners to maintain their appearance while completely failing to do so themselves. Just as you desire certain qualities in your partner, she also looks for certain things in you.
And when she doesn’t see them, what do you think she will do? Is she going to look and dress her best for a man who can’t even take care of himself?
Of course not. Your partner will only put in the amount of effort that you do.
Ultimately, rekindling attraction may start with how you care for yourself. Align your lifestyle and wellness choices with the person you want to be and show her you’re a man who’s worth it.
6. Bring The Adventure Back To Your Relationship — Especially In The Bedroom
If you’re anything like 99% of guys out there, you were probably pulling out all the stops when your romance was kindling. Every date was a creative way to show your girlfriend that you cared, and you did everything you could to keep her on her toes…
Well, be honest: Is that still the case now? Probably not. Of course, this is natural, and many couples suffer from this, but that doesn’t make it right.
Take the wheel and plan an outing that will catch her off guard and bring much-needed excitement to your relationship.
The key element is surprise. I’m not talking about revisiting an old restaurant you ate at five years ago; I’m talking about doing something completely different.
Eat at some exotic place that’s unlike anything either of you had before. Rent a cabin in the woods and go off the grid for a while. Take a weekend getaway to a new state, somewhere that is entirely unlike your previous vacations.
The activity itself doesn’t really matter; the point is that it needs to bring genuine excitement — from both of you.
And let’s ignore the elephant in the room — you need to spice up your sex life. Surprise activities can reignite the emotional connection, but bringing unpredictability into the bedroom can really take things to a new level.
Be bold and try new things you’re both comfortable with. As long as it’s not something that makes the other person uncomfortable, anything and everything should be on the table.
New positions, games, lingerie, a different atmosphere — tap into your deepest desires and encourage your partner to do the same.
And again, the physical act is just one part of the equation. You need to build the tension leading up to sex throughout the day or days that precede it. Send a flirty text or say something flirty to let her know that the sparks are there.
Feel free to take control of the situation and express what you want. Just be sure to be reciprocal. If you devote the proper energy and attention to this, this alone may be enough to get your attraction level back to how it was.
7. Peel Your Eyes From The Screen And Initiate Meaningful Conversation
Many of my clients report feeling like they’re living with a roommate or a friend instead of a lover. They talk, sure, but they talk about nonsense.
If your only conversation topics are dinner preparations and how much you hate your bosses, you have a severe problem.
And in the middle of the daily hustle, it’s becoming increasingly easy to get glued to our screens as a form of escapism. When was the last time you and your partner put down your phones and had a real, deep, and meaningful conversation?
It’s not just your phone screen that’s the problem — it’s any screen. Between televisions, laptops, tablets, and phones, we’re constantly overstimulated.
Most couples report that all it takes to get the conversation going is to turn off the electronics for a while. In the absence of mindless distractions sucking your attention, conversations can flow naturally.
Remember, this is about getting back to what was working in the first place. Something made the two of you fall for each other, right? If it worked once, it can work again.
You want to talk about things that invite deep reflection or open the door to topics you never discussed before. And when you do sit down to talk, make sure you actually listen.
Whatever the topic is, fully understand her perspective and try to build a connection on a deeper level. You’re trying to open the door to moments of honesty and vulnerability that lead to a deeper emotional connection.
8. Quit watching porn
Porn is the most addictive content on the internet, and it may be wrecking the intimacy of your relationship.
Porn quite literally trains your brain to crave an unrealistic variety of sex in your personal and sexual lives. The result is that you become dissatisfied with your partner and constantly crave something impossible.
With a few minutes and a few clicks, we can achieve an orgasm. This isn’t natural and is not the way we, as humans, are meant to function.
Interestingly, we all know this on some level, but we are powerless to break the habit. Just look back at the start of your relationship, and you can glimpse a healthier alternative.
You were sexually attracted to your partner, and she was sexually attracted to you. You both did things to maximize this level of attraction because you wanted to sleep with each other.
This may have served you well for weeks, months, or years, but at some point, you got lazy. Your brain has been hard-wired by porn to crave gratification you cannot achieve in real life, and you willingly traded real intimacy for a simulation of the real thing.
If that sounds depressing, that’s because it is. And escaping a porn addiction and cutting down on masturbation is a complicated and often convoluted topic, one that I’ve covered in-depth in my previous articles.
What you need to remember is that most of these digital indulgences we partake in, whether it be social media, porn, or video games, are artificial constructs specifically designed to keep us glued to our screens.
So, if you’re feeling a lack of attraction to your partner, realize it may not have anything to do with you and her and more to do with the digital poison you’ve been consuming all your life.
9. Consider Professional Help
No matter how you cut it, feeling a lack of attraction to one’s partner can be challenging to discuss. That’s why it may be a good idea to enlist the help of an intermediary to help you broach the subject.
Ideally, a professional therapist, coach, or other mentor can guide you through the process so that you can discuss the issue in a productive way for all the people involved.
This is one of those situations where it will be easy to point the finger of blame even when no one is really at fault. A professional can provide an objective perspective that helps understand the situation more clearly.
Seeking help isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a proactive step toward solving a problem that profoundly affects your relationship.
Takeaways: The Path To Rekindling The Flame
If a lack of attraction toward your partner makes you feel hopeless about your relationship, all is not lost. By taking an active approach, you can reignite the spark you and your partner once had.
You can even cultivate a relationship that’s stronger than it was before. Just remember that attraction is a two-way street, and you and your partner must be willing to work to see an improvement.
If you’re looking for professional guidance to help you become the best man you can be — both for the sake of yourself and your romantic relationship — now is the time to take action.
The coaching program we offer at Knowledge for Man can fast-track you down the path to success. Instead of struggling to figure out the answers to problems like these, enlist the help of an experienced team of coaches who have faced these struggles themselves.
These men have decades of collective experience under their belts and can help challenge you like you’ve never been challenged before.
I can’t tell you that the path will be easy, but the rewards will be great. You will learn to face the things that make you uncomfortable head-on and become a stronger, more grounded man because of it.
If that sounds like something you’d be interested in, take the next step. Click the link below to learn more about me and what my expert team of coaches and I can offer you.