I can’t help but feel overwhelmed by an unending flood of self-proposed men’s experts and gurus, each one peddling identical advice to men like a broken record…
Looking for the woman of your dreams? Wanting to create a lasting high-quality relationship? Desperate to rescue your marriage from the jaws of divorce? They shout…
Take these steps: Get rich. Get ripped. Get a better social group.
But here’s the deal…
Such advice only adds value to those struggling in these areas of life.
What about the men who’ve already reached high levels of professional success, who exercise regularly, who enjoy a good income? These men are brushed aside, simply told to continue on this path they’ve already been on for over a decade.
The irony doesn’t escape me. Most of these so-called experts on men’s dating and relationships are themselves single, struggle to attract and maintain relationships with high quality women of substance.
Instead, they’ve become skilled at attracting lower-quality women, which only stokes the fires of distress and disorder in a man’s life, pushing him to shut out ALL women emotionally. They push advice steeped in their own pain (earn more money, get fit).
Einstein hit the nail on the head when he said, “You cannot solve a problem with the same mindset that created it.”
I’ve found truth in his words through my own journey.
For the past ten years, I’ve navigated the choppy waters of dating and relationships, guiding men from all walks of life.
I’ve worked with men from every rung of the social ladder, from those making $50k per year to Ivy League-educated doctors and CEOs whose companies rake in significant numbers.
More importantly, I’ve walked a mile in the shoes of these gurus and experts…
I’ve worked tirelessly, building a flourishing business from the ground up.
I’ve savored the thrill of the wind in my hair as I sped down the coastline in a fast car to come to a beautiful home with an ocean view.
I’ve invested years in cultivating a network with high-status men, leaders of their industry, never letting me play small in my personal growth.
And yet, all these achievements, while fulfilling and serving as catalysts for great personal growth for oneself, don’t guarantee a high-quality relationship. Sure, you’ll live a nicer life, but often men like this are single or stuck in a loveless relationship.
Lower-quality women, emotionally unavailable, are easily dazzled by such shows of success, leading to toxic entanglements packed with infidelity, chaos, and stress, only perpetuating a vicious cycle…
Elevate money as your main value proposition to = attract lower quality women = invite chaos = pain
I’ve borne witness to the plight of numerous successful men, as they struggle fruitlessly to attract the women they truly desire. They resign themselves to a fate of discontentment and misery, their dreams left unrealized because they fail to grasp what I’m about to share.
I’ve seen the light drain from their eyes as their hard earned worlds shatter around them in the wreckage of a divorce, a painful reminder of the message they chose to ignore.
As soon as this message is out there, the critics will flood the comments with allegations of me being ‘blue-pilled’ or a ‘beta B*** simp’. These are the men at the beginning of their growth journey as a man, chasing excellence is likely what they need at the stage of life they are in and while I respect their journey, they’re not ready for this message. Their minds, at this stage, cannot comprehend how traditional success and physical fitness won’t solve their relationship challenges.
They’re pouring all their hopes placed solely on these factors, naively believing their dream woman is waiting for them once they achieve these such goals. But the harsh reality is clear. Thousands of men have tread this path only to find themselves still single or lacking high-quality women… oh but those guys weren’t successful enough and needed to go “harder”, you might say.
Well here’s the hammer. You’d assume the richest men in the world—Elon, Jobs, Gates, Bezos—would have nailed this, right? Well, lo and behold, they’ve all gone through divorces.
Just think about that, the richest men in all of human history, still women leave them?
“But they’re nerds,” you might say, “not exactly sexy men women chase.” Fair enough. Let’s consider the men who’ve won the “sexiest man alive” vote—Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, Tom Brady. What’s the big fucking reveal here? They’ve all tasted the sweet tang of divorce and the struggle to be a part of their own kids’ lives.
Was “excellence” in these men somehow lacking?
Still not buying it? How about this—Tom Cruise, Channing Tatum, Harrison Ford—all have had their hearts ripped out and bank siphoned to their excess drained in court. We better stop here, for the sake of our collective sanity.
So what would the gurus who preach “chase excellence” as the one all be all say now?
The richest men and the sexiest men alive voted by women still get divorced?
Wait, why didn’t anyone check the stats on this stuff?
The myth of the endless pursuit of excellence—doubling down on wealth and physical fitness, expanding your male social group—will lead you to a promised land of successful relationships has been broken?. Sure, it benefits you, allows you to splurge on finer things, to possess opulent homes and fancy rides. But it sure as hell isn’t the super glue that makes a quality relationship thrive..
If you’re a successful, ambitious man who’s found it hard to attract higher-quality women or to sustain meaningful relationships or you feel like you’ve settled…
This message might just be your beacon of hope as you’re probably scratching your head wondering, wait so if money and great looks don’t keep her, what will?
I want to delve into the true desires of women and why men struggle to meet those desires, not the superficial claims women make or the materialistic image painted by corporate behemoths.
It’s time we stepped into the heart of the matter rather than focusing on cash, biceps and luxury.
1. Reality Check: What Women Want Vs. What Men Think They Want
They’re all shouting in my ear, “Andrew, you’re not a woman!” they shout. “How on earth could you know what women want?” It’s an honest question, one that deserves an answer before we begin.
One. I’ve had the pleasure of interviewing hundreds of women, both offline and on my podcast. Not just any women, but those willing to open their hearts and minds, sharing their deepest desires and fears. Two. I’ve experienced the dance of romance with dozens and dozens of women, with each dance teaching me plenty of lessons. Three. My book, the Dating Playbook for Men, has found its way into the hands of over 150,000 eager souls, indicating they found value in my observations and experiences.
I’ve been through the chaotic circus of dating, navigating the pickup phase, the short-term flings, the F-boy stage, and the long-term relationships. I’ve tested everything I’m about to share with you in the field of love, where theory meets reality, and each lesson is etched into my being through laughter, tears, joy, and a lot of pain.
What I’ve discovered after years of personal experience and thousands of interactions is simple yet profound: There is a profound difference between what men think women want and what women actually desire.
When a man looks at another man – the one with the physical looks, the successful career, and the ripped body – he thinks, “That’s a high-value dude. That’s who I want to hang out with or even be. That’s who women must want too.”
And that’s the key mistake.
Men often assume that what they value in other men is what women value in men too.
Indeed, a successful, good-looking man will initially attract many women. But when it comes to a deep, lasting relationship, the allure of money and physical appearances gradually fades. They might serve as the spark to get the train moving, but they are insufficient to fan the flames of love, loyalty, and a passionate romantic life.
Yes, bulging muscles, a fast sports car, your flashy modern home might earn you an entrance ticket to the grand show of romance. But once the curtain is raised, your true worth isn’t in your muscles or material wealth but in how you make her feel at an emotional level. Your money might make life easier, but it won’t ignite passion, it won’t foster deep connection, it won’t fill the void that craves for emotional safety, trust, and romance.
And here’s where men stumble. They believe that if they could amass enough wealth, their dream woman would not only fall for them but also remain in love, enchanted by the luxurious life they provide. Oblivious that her initial attraction fueled by material wealth and time spent in the gym will slowly wane and what’s left is the emotional connection you have with her.
It’s either high or low.
And more money and biceps will not increase emotional attraction.
And here’s the thing they failed to consider…
Successful goal oriented men are not scarce to a high quality woman. Those are hte only type of guys she knows.
High-quality women, those worth sharing a life with, won’t stay with a man because he out earns others, has a faster car or bigger house.
Because, at the end of the day, a quality woman has plenty of successful suitors vying for her attention online and offline, all willing to spend equal or greater money on her than you are. And once the novelty of your external offerings wears off, she will start longing for the unique, emotional value that only you, the man she claims to love, can offer.
If you can’t provide that, you’re merely the flavor of the month or year, easily replaced once the novelty wears off as she searches for a stronger emotional connection.
What matters more than anything to women is how you make her feel. It’s about the emotional connection, the trust and safety, the laughter, the play, the moments of joy that you share. Many quality women would choose a man earning a good income but capable of stimulating her emotionally, over a man raking in much more but emotionally distant.
Make no mistake, I’m not a cynic. I’m not telling you to abandon the long held dream of success, the drive for ambition, or the lust for a better life. Chase your goals with a fever, sculpt your body to the peak of human perfection, and expand your wealth to the farthest corners of your imagination. Strap that gold watch around your wrist with pride, feel the roar of your German-engineered turbocharged beast beneath you, have pride and vigor in the pursuit of your dream life.
Celebrate these goals and achievements. Let them be a part of you, but only in the sense of your own personal growth, your individual journey. Allow them to elevate your pride and stoke the fires of your self-worth. Because they are yours, and yours alone.
However, it’s essential to understand that this wealth, this success, these tokens of accomplishments are not magic powers that can summon or sustain love for the long haul, or create the depths of a meaningful relationship. They aren’t the keys to the secret garden of enduring love and companionship.
Know the nature of this divide and recognize it. The distinction is a profound one that all men must be aware of. Remember what these accomplishments can and cannot do. They can light up your life but understand, they aren’t necessarily the beacon that creates enduring love or the glue that cements a profound, lifelong connection.
Especially for those men who’ve climbed the ladder of success but still find themselves lonely at the top, it’s clear that money isn’t the solution. The bitter irony is that obsessively chasing wealth in hopes of solving your romantic challenges may only deepen them.
So, let’s have a reality check, gentlemen: What women want is vastly different from what men think they want.
The formula seems simple, right? Understand what they want, deliver that, and voila – you pave the way for a successful relationship.
Yet, many of you find yourselves standing at a crossroads. You believe you’ve deciphered what women want, but despite this understanding, you’re left wondering why you still can’t seem to deliver.
2. The Emotional Sacrifice: The Untold Cost of Male Achievement in the Pursuit of Excellence
Every day for years, I’m surrounded by a world that celebrates hustle, grit, and relentless drive. The mantras are everywhere: “Crush your goals”, “Win at all costs”, “Keep pushing”. The so-called gurus and experts champion them. They paint an image of a man in the top 1%, who has clawed his way to professional victory, and they make it seem like a vision of glory.
What is not shared is the haunting cost it takes to reach that next level.
It’s not just about the sleepless nights, forsaken social life, or grueling working hours, that’s all apart of it. But It’s an emotional war, an internal battlefield where your feelings are the casualties. To climb that mountain of success, you must learn to cast aside your emotions, ignore your innermost turbulence, and build emotional fortresses to shield you from the onslaught of voices telling you to quit when that is for many the rational and healthy thing to do – give up.
But we as hungry, driven and goal oriented men – press forward despite what our emotions are screaming at us.
I’ve been there, a lone warrior on that battlefield. I remember my career crumbling around me, every bit of discouragement and failure gnawing at my soul. But I soldiered on, using the bitter lessons of defeat to guide my ascent.
Endless days away from home, the familiar yearning gnawing at me with each passing moment. Yet, I focused on my professional duties, ignoring the ache in my heart, pushing through the homesickness.
Personal losses tore through me, like the unexpected loss of my father, shattering my heart, yet there I was, piecing together a façade of composure for important business calls and presentations. My heart was breaking, but my face wore a mask of resilience.
With every word of harsh criticism both online and offline stabbing at my soul, I learned to sift through the pain, to find something constructive amid the torment. I felt the sting, but I didn’t let it consume me.
When I was at the precipice of decisions that could alter the course of my company, I felt fear gnawing at me. But I mustered the courage to make those calculated risks, my hands shaking but my determination steady.
Exhaustion became my constant companion, my body screaming for rest after relentless days and longer nights. But I powered through, tapping into some hidden reserve to meet the impossible deadlines.
I’ve juggled work and personal life, the sting of missed dinners and forgotten birthdays carving a canyon of guilt in me. But I kept going, the brutal necessity of sacrifice echoing in my head.
That’s what it takes to stand among the 1%. That’s the emotional toll it extracts. As per the “Stress in America” survey by the American Psychological Association, to reach high levels of success requires an emotional blockage, a dissociation from your feelings.
You learn to sideline sadness, fear, anger, and confusion. Who wants these ‘negative’ emotions, right? Who needs the burden when there’s a mountain of goals to be conquered?
But there’s a fatal flaw in this logic. When you suppress your negative emotions, you inadvertently stifle your ability to experience positive emotions too. As cited in “The Cost of Hiding Feelings” by Sigal Barsade and Olivia A. O’Neill, this emotional numbness transcends to joy, happiness, elation, and excitement.
I’ve been there, too. I’ve worn that poker face, relentlessly charging towards my goals even when every cell in my body cried for mercy. I’ve hit milestones, reached ambitious goals, only to set my sights on the next one without pausing to rest. No matter how much I won, it was never enough. There was always a new summit to conquer and someone always better than me.
And yes, there’s nothing wrong with having the grit of a battle hardened warrior. There’s nothing wrong with pushing yourself to see what you’re capable of. Unless…you reach a point where you lose touch with your emotions altogether. That’s when you scar your soul.
And this scar has a name, coined by Dr. Peter Emanuel Sifneos from MIT and Harvard Medical School: Alexithymia.
From the Greek “a” for lack, “lexis” for word, and “thymos” for emotion, meaning lack of words for emotions. Essentially, it captures the profound struggle in encountering, recognizing, distinguishing, and verbalizing emotions.
It’s an inability to articulate your emotions and to respond well to the emotions of others.
I’ve seen successful men – those embodying the traits of a warrior, a competitor, high performing men who do whatever it takes to win – become champions at this. They’ve mastered the art of suppressing their emotions, wearing a mask, all in the name of winning.
But here’s the cost. I shared earlier that what women value the MOST in men is emotional connection.
But with Alexithymia, this emotional handicap can cripple your ability to offer the very thing required to maintain and grow a romantic relationship, to form deep connections, to share intimacy, and to fall in love with the woman you crave. In your pursuit of winning in the boardroom, you may lose the ability to win in the bedroom and experience the love of a high-quality woman.
That’s the tragic irony success gurus never told you, whom I feel all fall into this category and would benefit from understanding this rarely discussed concept.
I’m not saying all successful men are devoid of emotions. But many of them prioritize professional success at the expense of their emotional intelligence and romantic fulfillment.
Remember the deep emotional connection women desire that separates you from other men? The one that truly matters, especially when faced with the decision of staying with your choosing the new guy at work who makes her feel seen and alive? That connection often becomes a casualty on your path to professional success.
Without emotional awareness and the ability to connect deeply, a woman can’t feel safe. The intimacy, passion, and romance dwindle, leading to a chasm that could eventually end the relationship.
And there it is, the raw, unvarnished truth, behind the illusion of success hides a harsh reality that no one dares to acknowledge. For many of us men who have relentlessly pursued our goals, we’ve paid a silent price far steeper than we ever anticipated. In our quest to conquer our monthly, quarterly and annual goals, we’ve unwittingly forfeited the most human part of us.
The ability to feel – truly feel – has been lost along the way. The delicate nuances of emotions, deeper connection, the gentle ebb and flow of intimacy, have become foreign to us. We’ve forgotten how it is to ride the roller coaster of our hearts, to experience the thrill of peaks and the dread of valleys. We’ve lost touch with the language of emotions, a language that allows us to deeply connect, to share, to understand, and to be understood.
Prerequisites for any long lasting relationship.
But it isn’t just our emotions that have been dulled. We’ve also lost the ability to perceive her emotions, to sense the silent sighs and unspoken words, to look in her eyes and know that she feels emotionally distant and unsafe, to feel the soft tremors of her heart yearning for attention. The woman beside us has become a beautiful mystery, her emotional world a labyrinth we no longer know how to navigate.
The numbness has seeped into every part of us, it has robbed us of the ability to experience love in its purest form, to bask in the glow of shared passion, to lose ourselves in the intoxicating rhythm of romance and love.
Often, we cloak our pain through fleeting moments of sexual pleasure, where we momentarily experience intense emotions. However, these experiences are ephemeral. For many women, sex is predominantly an emotional journey. Therefore, if she doesn’t feel emotionally secure, acknowledged, and truly heard prior to intimacy, these encounters may not strengthen your connection with her as you might hope.
We move through life like specters, our hearts encased in ice, untouched by the warmth of love, unswayed by the magic of passion. In an effort to succeed at the highest levels and face fear, risk and failure straight in the eye everyday for years we’ve been turned into unwitting ghosts, trapped in a limbo between the world of success we’ve conquered and the world of emotions we’ve become black belts at silencing.
Consequently, we find ourselves in a state of constant wandering – outwardly successful but inwardly empty, externally accomplished yet internally unfinished. In our undying quest for achievement, we’ve lost touch with the essence of genuine living, authentic feeling, and sincere loving.
We’ve forgotten how it is to be truly alive.
Thus, we revert to our most familiar coping mechanism. A sense of insufficiency creeps in, leading us to question our self-worth. And our instinctive response isn’t to seek help in this area, We resort to what we know – exerting even more effort, pushing ourselves harder.
This instinctive reaction only adds fuel to the fire… and I’m about to share why.
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3. Success Breeds Entitlement of Women, Loyalty, and Love
I’ve spent years of my existence climbing the steep ladder of success, I thought that this achievement, this power, would bring her – the dream girl – into my life, as if by some sort of magnetic pull.
Only to find myself alone at mid, wondering why the men with lesser success – those with less money, power, and status – are holding hands with the women I desire when I go out, while I struggle to secure even a single date with a woman of high interest.
It was as if years of “chasing excellence” was supposed to be this golden ticket that brought me to a world of romance, respect, and intimacy. But here I was, standing with my golden ticket in hand all worn out, wondering why the gates weren’t opening. I had invested my everything into achieving success, believing the universal law of attraction would work in my favor.
How naive I was to listen to those influencers who led me astray. The dream girl was nowhere to be found.
The reality, I learned, was a far cry from my assumptions. Love and attraction aren’t trophies to be won. They aren’t prizes that can be bought with a well-toned body, fast car or a hefty bank balance. They are skills. They are delicate, demanding, and require intentional nurturing, much like learning to play a beautiful melody on a guitar. No amount of money or fitness can make up for the lack of skills to build a strong romantic connection with a woman and play that song of love.
The material wealth one possesses does little to influence a woman’s emotional world.
Excelling in this game necessitates comprehending the art of building emotional security, nurturing trust, fostering intimacy, understanding the crux of attachment theory, setting firm boundaries, communicating effectively, and meeting her needs while unflinchingly defending your own. Fascinatingly, none of these skills can be harnessed by pumping iron, taking bone-chilling showers, attending military-style retreats and bootcamps, training in firearms or boxing, or by executing million-dollar business deals. These, paradoxically, are the very things certain influencers encourage in their rhetoric on the pursuit of excellence.
The realization was a bitter pill to swallow. I had poured everything into my career and success, failing to see that I was neglecting the one thing that mattered the most – the romantic relationships. I had ignored the need to work on myself, to delve deeper into the realms of my emotions, to understand how to be a better partner and lover. I was willing to die on the battlefield of success but I wouldn’t spend 10 minutes to make relationships a priority.
So, here I was, a successful man lacking the one skill that mattered the most – the skill to love and be loved.
It was time to acquire skills directly influencing my success in relationships, just as I had done for my career and fitness. This marked the beginning of an entirely new chapter in my life, imbuing it with an enhanced sense of purpose. It was a journey of discovering and integrating my inner lover with the rest of my capabilities and life experiences to truly progress towards my full potential.
Ultimately, what truly matters is doing the hard inner work on myself, to show up as a more grounded, powerful, and capable man. It’s about tapping into my emotions without letting them control me, redefining my worth as a man, and embracing the discomfort of building the relationship I want.
Because, as it turns out, the key to love isn’t found in the weight of a man’s success, but in the weight of my emotional connection to those I claim to love.
And if this has resonated even a little bit…
Then I invite you to check out a free training I put together on the exact step by step process we’ve used at Knowledge for Men to help more than 10,000 guys reclaim their power, reconnect with their lover, build the relationship of their dreams, and become the man they always wanted to be.
Access training here.
Stay tuned, and see you soon, guys!