When you think about your wife and how she looked on her wedding day, you probably remember the adoration she gave you as she said, “I do.” Perhaps it hurts so much when you realize you can’t remember the last time she looked that way or why you feel so alone in your relationship.
There’s something about a woman’s love that makes you feel like more of a man. It makes you feel like a leader, a protector, and a genuinely accomplished guy. Our world praises men who have a great relationship with their wives, and it feels incredible to have that feeling of safety knowing she’s in your corner.
Most people don’t discuss how devastating it can be for a man to lose his wife’s affection. It’s not just about the shame or feeling they’ve failed their partners. Whether we want to admit it or not, we all need the love of our wives to feel good.
You like to think that you’ve done well by her, but what happened? Why does your love life feel so “off?” Does your wife hate you, or is it something else?
The Unspoken Nuances Of Your Wife’s Demeanor
Before we begin, it’s important to distinguish between feeling hurt, dissatisfaction with her issues, resentment, boredom, loss of attraction, and hate. Some issues are fixable, but if it’s gotten to the point that she hates you, you may need to rethink your time with your wife.
Before assuming the worst, ask yourself whether she’s struggling with significant life changes. Something like a death in the family, a new baby, or even getting laid off can make her behave less lovingly toward you.
This is not your fault, but your responsibility is how you react to her struggles.
Think about your wife’s current circumstances before you assume she hates you.
“Hate” is a strong word, which is why you shouldn’t assume your wife hates you until you look at the full scope of the problem. Hate in a marriage generally means the marriage is over.
Feeling unappreciated, sad, overworked, bored, or alienated in a relationship does not have to mean the end of a marriage. It means that your marriage may need a lot of help.
It is possible for a woman to love you still but not remain in love with you. In relationships, this often happens when a man doesn’t act masculine enough or worse, makes his wife feel like his mother rather than a partner. If you want to save your marriage, you will turn that relationship around by taking the lead and letting her feel supported in your masculinity.
Her falling out of love does not have to mean the end of your marriage.
If she’s unhappy with the current way things are, or if your wife’s feelings have started to feel more platonic, you still have a shot at fixing things. The same can be said if your wife resents you but hasn’t decided that the relationship is hopeless.
If you are ready to make a change in your relationship, make sure this isn’t a case where your wife hates you too much to move forward. With that said, it’s time to look closely at how you can determine where you stand with her.
Signs Your Wife Hates You And Doesn’t Love You Anymore
Do you feel like your relationship took a nosedive? If you’re worried about being in a marriage with a wife hating your guts as the norm, watch for these warning signs below.
1. Her demeanor shifts the moment she sees you
A friend of mine recently realized how bad his relationship with his wife was after coming home early. He noticed she was in the kitchen, sharing wine with her friends. They were laughing about something involving a friend’s birthday cake.
As soon as they spotted him, his wife and her friends stopped laughing. You could feel the awkwardness in the air. His wife suddenly looked like she smelled something rotten and asked him if he needed anything.
Feeling pushed out, he backed out of the room quietly. The atmosphere in the room immediately went back to laughter and lightheartedness. He could hear them laughing within moments of him closing the door.
It’s safe to say his wife hates him. She filed for divorce not too long after that incident happened.
2. Your sex life involves “starfish sex,” or worse, involves her telling you that she hates having sex with you
Whenever your sex life or intimacy takes a nosedive, you should be worried about what this means. While there can be some hormonal reasons for a wife to be uninterested in sex, if you notice that intimacy has died, you should try to find out what’s up.
A lack of sex may mean she doesn’t feel sexy due to weight gain, or it could also be a matter of being “touched out” after a new baby. However, if nothing makes sense, it could signify that you need to have a productive conversation about how she feels.
With that said, there’s a difference between disinterest and disgust. If she’s not interested due to exhaustion or hormones, that’s fine. She doesn’t hate you. On the other hand, if she shows signs of being physically repulsed by you, she hates you.
Have you ever heard of “starfish sex?” It’s a term that often comes up when men discuss a dead bedroom. This is a nickname for sex where the woman lies there, emotionless and noiseless, while you have sex with her.
Men often feel like they’re having sex with a corpse or raping their wives. Women who do this during sex often feel physically repulsed by their partners. They usually tolerate sex because of frequent complaints from their husbands.
If your wife hates having sex with you to the point where she no longer wants to initiate or even pretend to like it, your relationship is in dire straits. Stop having sex with her if you notice your wife behaving this way. Not only is it wrong, but it’s also making the problem worse.
3. Your wife stopped asking you to do things or fix the relationship
This is often seen as an improvement by men, but it’s not. If your wife regularly asked you to help her with household responsibilities, tried to structure conversations around issues you both had, or kept begging you to stop certain habits, you should wonder what happens when she stops.
Usually, wives hate having to nag or try to bring up things you should be doing. If she feels unheard for too long, she’ll stop being angry. That anger has turned into hate, resentment, and resignation. At this point, even professional help may not entirely turn things around.
When a woman stops being angry and talking about what’s bothering her, she believes her marriage can no longer be fixed. This silence seems reasonable, but it’s often a death knell for the relationship.
4. She goes out of her way to hurt you or seems to get joy out of upsetting you
You know when someone is trying to hurt you, especially if it’s an everyday occurrence. If your wife intentionally insults you, scoffs at you, and degrades you to others, then it’s safe to say your wife hates you.
There is a certain point among people who hate you where they actively pick fights with you or try to anger you to get a reaction out of you. This is called reactive abuse because they are trying to bank on you, reacting badly to their anger. It helps them control the narrative and say they’re abusing you.
A good rule of thumb is that your relationship should be good at least 80 percent of the time. It’s a form of the Pareto principle. If your wife picks fights with you more often than not, or if you constantly argue about little things, it may be time to cut things off.
If it gets to the point where she actively insults you and openly shows contempt, you are past the point of any type of healing in your marriage. Your job is to start looking toward the future and figure out how to arrange your divorce.
5. Your wife’s friends and family seem to hate you
If your wife’s feelings have changed, she won’t keep it to herself in most cases. She’ll also tell her friends about her issues. This can vary from just saying that you’re causing her stress to her openly saying that she hates you.
Friends hate seeing their friends stressed out and upset. If they feel like you are the cause of her misery, then they’ll start to act icily toward you too.
The more your wife’s friends seem to dislike you, the more likely your wife hates you and has been badmouthing you to them.
This could also be for other reasons, including other women having a bad marriage. However, if you see this with other signs here, it may be a sign your marriage needs to end.
6. She no longer wants to discuss anything with you
You cannot fix a relationship without a productive conversation where you both feel heard and appreciated. If you’ve tried to broach the subject about her feelings or behavior, only to be met with stonewalling, then there’s no way to move forward.
There are several ways that this could show up in your relationship:
- You’re no longer the first (or second, or even third) person she shares the news with. It’s normal for a wife to share big news with her husband. It’s not natural to be the last one to find out news, unless she’s no longer interested in talking to you. At best, this means you are no longer “her person.” At worst, it’s a sign she hates you and no longer wants you to hear what’s happening in her life.
- She’s confiding in other men more than you. This can be a sign that she’s looking towards other men for an affair, or that she no longer has hope of the marriage being salvageable. Either way, it’s clear that she no longer likes you to reign in the role of husband.
- When you asked her what’s going on with issues in your marriage, she shut the conversation down immediately. This can happen in a wide variety of ways, including changing the subject or outwardly getting aggressive with you when you try to talk about issues.
- She makes you feel like you need to walk on eggshells whenever you’re around her. Does it feel like your role as a husband is to tiptoe around her? If you feel like she might pick a fight at the drop of a hat, it’s a sign that you may need to call it quits.
7. Though she used to be patient with you, her patience ran out
When a person truly starts to hate someone, they no longer want to be in your presence at all. You even being near them will start to feel like nails on a chalkboard.
They just can’t stand you, so any kind of misstep will lead to a lot more annoyance out of them. Being in the same house as someone who hates you often feels like you’re playing a game you can’t win.
Even the smallest thing will set her off. If she starts to make a few comments that are truly biting every time you do the slightest thing wrong, chances are your wife hates you.
8. You’ve gotten the feeling (or found evidence) that she’s putting her affairs in order so that she can leave you
While this is not always a sign of “wife hate,” it is a sign that your marriage is in terrible shape.
It could be that years of neglect have made her feel hopeless about things changing, so she’s decided to start life on her own.
Or, it could be that she hates you after something you’ve done.
Cheating, verbal abuse, or alienating her from her family can make a strong marriage fail. If you did things that would make most people hate you, don’t be surprised if your wife hates you.
You can’t undo what happened in the past, and talk can only go so far regarding damage control. It may be too late for you to fix things in these cases.
9. She stops showing any interest in your needs or wants
It’s rare to see a woman who openly hates her husband, so if you notice signs of contempt towards you, it should always be a sign that the relationship is done. However, not all women will be that overt when they hate a man.
A wife in love with her husband will spend time ensuring he’s well cared for. She’ll darn his socks, cook meals for him, and try to please him. If she stopped doing anything to support you in any way, it’s clear that she’s losing interest.
If she really hates you, she may even go out of her way to make it hard for you to meet any needs. For example, she may refuse to pick you up from the airport or mock you when you’re feeling down about yourself.
It should be obvious if your wife has openly admitted that she no longer wants to be with you or that she stopped caring about you. She doesn’t like you anymore!
4 Powerful Ways You Can Improve Your Married Life
While not every relationship or marriage can be fixed, some can still be saved if you act quickly and decisively. It’s about using the right solution for the right situation.
1. Do not force intimacy with or otherwise chase a wife who hates you
Nothing will make a wife hate you even more than trying to force her to be intimate with you when she doesn’t want to be intimate. If your wife has already decided that the relationship is over and treats you like she hates you, stick a fork in it. Your marriage (as you know it) is done.
At this point, trying to have sex with her will be more like a sexual assault than a romantic night in. This is true, even when her love language is sexual touch. Hard as it may be, your best bet to get on better terms with your wife is to cool off with her and start making plans to leave.
Giving her space may be the only way to give her time to wonder whether she’s wrong to hate you. Not sleeping with her or even trying to be around her also shows you respect her boundaries and that you will not tolerate her treating you poorly.
If she starts to chase you to get you back, you can ask yourself if you want to give life with her another chance. If not, you can rest assured that you will be a good husband to someone who wants you around- just not her.
2. Take a leadership role in the relationship as both a partner and a lover
This may sound contradictory to what I just said, but nuance is the name of the game here. Let’s say your wife doesn’t fully hate you but is unhappy with how things are going. Women crave masculinity, meaning you need to take the reins so that she doesn’t have to do all the emotional labor in a relationship.
So, what does this mean?
- Be upfront and ask her if she wants to stay married to you. Actions speak louder than words, but sometimes, you need to know whether or not it’s worth staying. Ripping the bandage off can be tough, but at least you will know whether your efforts will even be appreciated.
- Talk to her and ask her how to improve the relationship. Ask her how you can become a better lover, partner, and husband for her. Then, listen to her advice, write it down, and stick to what she says. She needs to feel heard, which means listening to her when she raises complaints. Relationships only work if both parties listen to one another.
- Take the lead and offer to do more of the household chores. Women often feel overwhelmed with work around the home. If you let her do most of the work, you will have tension in your marriage. A good way to ease tension in your home is to pick up after yourself and offer to watch the kids. Showing that initiative will help her see you as a partner and, perhaps counterintuitively, as more masculine. After all, being an adult means you can pick up after yourself and take care of yourself. She wants a man, not a boy!
- Take leadership by booking a date night with her. Unappreciated wives often lose hope that they’ll ever feel sexy again. If she commented that you never dated or pursued her, this could be what the doctor ordered.
- Request professional counseling. If your communication skills are lackluster, now would be the time to ask your wife if she wants to attend marriage counseling with you. If she refuses, it’s likely that your wife has already decided she no longer has feelings for you.
- Stay calm, even when she tries to rile you up. When women try to rile men up, they often do so to see if they can exert control over them. Take a deep breath, calm down, and don’t engage with her until she’s a bit less dramatic.
Talking things out can only overcome small problems. If you’ve gotten to the point where your wife is constantly angry, and you can’t tell whether she likes you anymore, you need to meet that speech with action.
3. Fix what is hurting in yourself
Women don’t realize how much rejection or dismissal of men can harm a man’s self-esteem. Unfortunately, men often will grovel, plead, and beg to get their wives to love them again. Begging doesn’t work, nor will it make your wife respect you.
Women respect men who respect themselves. Self-respect means that you don’t put her on a pedestal and don’t try to explain why she should love you. Having self-respect means working on becoming the man you want to be.
This can mean a lot of different things to different men. It could mean that you finally lose that last 15 pounds and get your wardrobe updated. It also could mean starting that business you’ve always wanted to start or even something as simple as being a better role model to your kids.
The more work you put into creating the best version of yourself, the more confident you’ll be. More importantly, you will be in better control of how you handle your marriage woes. Men often lose themselves in a marriage and feel like they hit rock bottom when the marriage fails.
This can be devastating if you want to fix your relationship because women respect confident men. They also respect men who act like winners. A man begging for her attention, acting like a helpless child, or being content in letting himself go isn’t attractive. You need to remind her of who you are!
A man whose confidence was undermined will not say anything when his wife tries to anger her. A confident man will tell his wife, “I don’t like how you’re treating me when you insult me, and if this is how you’re going to be, we better split.”
Similarly, a confident man has no problem thanking his wife when she cooks a good meal or congratulating her on a career move. On the other hand, an insecure man will not offer that appreciation in hopes of trying to keep her desperate.
Getting that balanced behavior only comes with confidence, self-healing, and working on your needs.
4. Ask yourself if you want to stay in your marriage
Often, men stay with a woman who doesn’t like them simply because they don’t want the stress of leaving or because they feel it’ll be easier on their family. This may seem smart in the short run, but in the long run, it can be a life-ruiner for the man in question.
I believe life is too short to spend with the wrong woman. While divorce is never fun, it’s even worse when you have to look forward to a future with a woman who treats you as if you don’t matter.
You may have fallen in love with your wife years ago and promised to commit to her. You may have a family with kids with her too. But be honest with yourself. Do you want to be with her anymore, or are you more in love with the woman she used to be in the past?
Too often, we conflate our feelings of duty or a need to feel validated with love. Are you attracted to your wife, as she is right now? Do you find her cutting remarks attractive? Is she even your physical “type” anymore?
If you can’t figure out why you are still with her, it may be time to drop her like a bad habit. There’s an entire world of women out there who would be incredibly happy to have a husband at home.
There are few things as devastating as having a wife who doesn’t want to be with you, and truth be told, not all of these relationships can be saved. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t try, and that’s where having a men’s relationship coach can save things.
You cannot control how a woman’s feelings about you have changed in the past, but you can control how you deal with your situation. Right now, you’re at a crossroads. You can choose to stay with a woman who may hate you or choose a better future–with or without her.
You owe it to yourself to get the respect and love you deserve and be treated like a great person. Women respect and adore men who take control of their lives, and the right relationship coach can help make that happen. Are you ready to fix things?