So, you’ve been dating someone for a while and now find yourself in an exclusive relationship. You very much enjoy your partner’s company, and the two of you have established that you will not be seeing other people in the foreseeable future.
At the same time, you have also established that you are not in an official, committed relationship. This has left you confused, and you spend more time than you’d like trying to figure out just what this means.
It’s no secret that modern dating is more nuanced than in years past. Today, there are relationships, situationships, friends-with-benefits, ghosting, breadcrumbing tactics, and various digital connections spanning from swiping right to sliding into DMs.
If you need clarification on all this, you’re not alone.
But one particularly gray area many men find themselves in is the one mentioned above.
On one hand, the idea of having a casual relationship that isn’t “official” can be very enticing. After all, you can enjoy the intimacy — the closeness, the companionship, the sex — without the pressures accompanying a labeled relationship.
At the same time, this arrangement might be driving you up the wall. Some men cannot deal with a lack of clarity, and it causes extreme anxiety and self-doubt.
They feel stuck in limbo, not knowing where things are headed…
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with either camp — it just comes down to a man’s preference — some guys like the sense of freedom, some like the security.
The good news is some general rules can help you navigate such a situation no matter what camp you fall into. Today, I’m going to give you a ten-step guide to help you do just that.
So, if you find yourself stuck in this pesky grey area of dating and are desperately seeking clarity, keep reading.
1. Understanding The Difference: The Fine Line Between ‘Just Us’ And An Official Relationship
At first glance, you’d be forgiven for thinking that ‘dating exclusively’ is the same as being in ‘a relationship.’
Hell, I still remember the first time I heard those words and found myself scratching my head, trying to figure out what it all meant. And to be clear, the difference is very subtle.
What’s problematic is that everyone on the planet has a different definition of what these two terms mean. If you ask one woman what ‘exclusive dating’ means, she might give you a definition that sounds very much like a committed relationship.
If you ask another, it’ll become clear that there’s a clear lack of investment or a vision for long-term potential.
And, as a general rule, that’s what it all boils down to. ‘Dating exclusively’ means that neither of you are comfortable with the other person seeing anyone else. At the same time, if you agree it’s not a ‘committed relationship,’ there’s a lack of deeper personal investment.
Think of it this way: exclusive dating is the step toward a committed relationship.
Committed relationships, on the other hand, bring a few implied expectations. For one, there’s a greater level of reliance on each other. You become each other’s go-to for emotional support, comfort, and security.
There will probably also be a mutual understanding of shared responsibilities. You might be able to excuse yourself from a family function if you’re just dating someone, but you’re not getting out of that if you’re in a committed relationship.
And then there’s the ultimate goal to keep in mind: you’re working toward a future together. That can mean moving in together or eventually getting married. Children? Shared bank accounts? These are all things that should be in the back of your mind.
2. Feeling Confused: “What If I Genuinely Don’t Know Our Dating Status?”
Look, I get it, and we’ve all been there… whenever you’re dating someone, and things are going well, you have a clear aversion to doing anything to fuck it up.
And if this is your first good relationship after a string of bad ones, you probably feel this even more than usual.
So, all I’ll say is this: ask yourself what’s more important. Would you rather continue coasting through whatever this dating situation is? Or would you get more comfort out of clearly defined expectations?
And, as I said, every man is different. I’ve met guys in their 50s who have been searching for a wife for 20 years with the most nonchalant attitudes in the world. “When it happens, it happens.”
I’ve also known college guys who feel the need to have their entire lives for the next 30 years laid out before them. Everyone is different.
But if you’re seeing a girl and you don’t know what the hell is going on (and if this is bothering you), man up and talk about it. Be direct and explain that you need to know where things are headed because the current situation just isn’t healthy for you.
No matter what your relationship status is, if she really cares for you, she’ll be understanding of your dilemma. And if she isn’t? Well, you just saved yourself from wasting any more of your time.
3. Break Out The Dating Dictionary
Unlike a real dictionary, the explanation of dating terms is open to interpretation. That’s why it’s so important to clearly define what your dating status actually means to each of you.
I’ve met people, both men and women, who are incredibly clingy. It could be one or two dates into the relationship, and their heads are already filled with all these preconceived notions of what the relationship will look like.
Vacations are being discussed, family meetings are being planned, and it’s very clear the whole thing is on the fast track to turn into something very serious.
Then, you’ll have couples that are entirely different. They’re content to just feel it out and see how things go.
“You take your vacation, and I’ll take mine. Families? We’ll meet each other’s when the time comes. Let’s just go with the flow and enjoy life for now… “
This is the problem, though. While there are occasions where two people will be reading from the same dating dictionary, more often than not, they aren’t.
So if you and the woman you’re dating are very clearly not on the same page, do yourselves both a favor and take a minute to define some basic terms.
Trust me, problems might not arise tomorrow, next week, or even next month, but if the two of you are unclear about what you have going on, something will go wrong. This is one problem you’re better off squashing before it even appears.
4. Respect The Tempo: Learn To Go With The Flow
This is something that gets easier with experience, but for the guys who are just starting to date, allow me to provide a little insight.
While one of you may be ready to jump into a full-fledged relationship, the other might be naturally more hesitant. One of you might want to see each other on a daily basis, and the other might just be content with only weekend get-togethers.
But these differences do NOT mean either of you isn’t interested, or one is looking to play games.
Whenever you’re dating anyone, no matter how casual or how serious, there comes a point where you have just go with the flow. Respect the other person’s boundaries, understand that you’re different, and get on with it.
Or, DON’T.
If, for example, you really want a committed, long-term relationship, and she insists on keeping it casual, then dump her. End the relationship. Acknowledge your needs and wants and then go out there and find someone who can fulfill them.
But don’t waste your time thinking you can change her. Because here’s a news flash: you’re not changing anyone. The only way people can really change is if they want to change themselves.
This is why I always make it a point to ask my clients if they’re ready to commit to my coaching program. If you’re ready to truly transform your life and turn over a new leaf, I’ll be more than happy to show you the way. But I cannot hold your hand and do the work for you.
You need to do the work — plain and simple. And the same thing goes for relationships. If one of you is persistent about moving the relationship in one direction or the other, and the other person doesn’t want to hear it, either learn to be okay with that or move on.
5. Been Dating For A While? Reevaluate The Situation Periodically
This is yet another area where I often see the communication process break down.
A couple has been dating for an extended period, and because time has elapsed, they each developed different perspectives.
Let’s say it’s a casual, exclusive, but non-committed relationship. You’re perfectly content with this setup. You’re enjoying the freedom and don’t want things to change.
Your partner, though, has slowly been developing different expectations. She expects you to drop what you’re doing and immediately cater to her needs. Perhaps she’s never even met your family, but you’ve accompanied her to several family gatherings.
In such scenarios, each partner sees the relationship advancing differently. And because neither of you took the time to reevaluate where the relationship is at, it’s starting to cause friction.
That’s why it’s always a good idea to check up with each other and discuss these things periodically. Yes, these conversations can be uncomfortable, but they’re also necessary.
And besides, if the communication process is already starting to break down, it’s a sign of problems to come down the line. It’s always better to tackle these issues head-on.
6. Get Crystal Clear On Non-Negotiables: They Might Tell You Where Things Are Headed
You’re probably sick of hearing this by this point, but I’ll say this again: There are no clear definitions for dating, especially in today’s society.
And when it comes to non-negotiables — things that you are absolutely unwilling to compromise on — it’s in your best interest to get crystal clarity as soon as possible.
Because trust me, I’ve seen and heard it all… Many couples are notoriously bad at communicating with each other, and it isn’t uncommon for one partner to develop certain expectations that contrast entirely with the other’s.
I even had a scenario where a client of mine was dating a girl who was polyamorous, and he never even realized it (if that’s not proof you always need to read the online dating profile, I don’t know what is).
This is why it’s good to be upfront about deal-breakers. Remember, your relationship is in a gray area that’s subject to change.
For example, if you’re adamant about never wanting children, mention that. Yes, you’re not in an official relationship, but it’s worth sharing.
Do you have plans to move across the country for a new job next year? And is it in a state that your partner absolutely hates? If you’re planning on going with or without her, that’s another thing you should get out in the open.
What you probably don’t realize is that relationships are constantly evolving. This is true for your friends, family, coworkers, or for the person you’re sleeping with.
Regardless of the label you put on it, both parties’ expectations, wants, needs, and desires are in constant flux. Never make assumptions.
7. Everyone’s Got An Opinion: Prepare Yourself To Hear Them
If your dating setup is unique, be prepared for friends or family members to raise some eyebrows.
Often, these people are only speaking out of their own insecurities, but their words can be damaging all the same.
And don’t kid yourself: We’re all susceptible to outside influence, some a bit more than others. But unless you’re a complete sociopath, it’s natural to be swayed (at least to a certain degree) by other people’s opinions.
What does that mean for you and your partner? Well, that’s up to you and your partner. If you’re both prepared and put up a united front, you’ll be fine. Whatever arrangement the two of you have, it’s between the two of you.
What you have to worry about is when outside influence causes a shift in your partner’s mindset.
A couple of her girlfriends get married, and suddenly, she starts talking about you buying her a ring…
Her cousin has twins, and then she starts talking about having kids one day…
Again, don’t assume that any relationship will remain static — learn to expect change. And learn to recognize when something shifts inside of you, as well.
8. Can It Go The Distance? When Certain Couples Are Happy In The Gray Zone
It’s worth mentioning that many couples are perfectly content to stay in a non-committed (but exclusive) relationship forever.
I’ve met men nearing their 60s who have precisely that. And you know what? They’re some of the happiest men you’ll ever come across.
It can work if you both want it to work, so always keep that in mind. It takes two very like-minded people to make it happen, but it isn’t impossible.
There’s something inherently powerful about two people who commit to choosing each other without falling victim to the “official” titles that society gets so caught up in.
It’s a conscious choice; the gray zone might liberate you both. You can enjoy yourselves without the weight of expectations from an official title. Your relationship can be fluid, and you can enjoy a level of freedom that many couples lack.
It all comes down to the individuals. As long as you respect and recognize each other’s needs, there’s no limit to how far your connection can go.
9. If Something Feels Wrong, Know When To Move Forward
All that being said, some people need security. They need the piece of mind that comes with official commitment. And if you fall into that category, you must do what’s best for you.
If you’ve voiced your concerns and clarified that you’d like your relationship to progress to something more significant, but you’re still not getting anywhere, it’s time to offer an ultimatum.
As I said, you’re not going to change anyone by force. Either they want and are willing to change themselves, or nothing will come of it.
Don’t sit there and think you can make her realize you’re “marriage material” or that she will give up certain aspects of her lifestyle to conform to your needs…
It isn’t going to happen. So, if you’re unsatisfied, it’s time to put your foot down. Be painfully clear and direct with her if you have to: either something has to change, or you won’t see her anymore.
If she somehow finds it in herself to change, then fantastic, but you have to be prepared to put an end to this if it isn’t working.
As unfortunate as it is, many men force themselves to stay in these situations because they doubt their self-worth. They allow themselves to be treated poorly because they’ve been conditioned (or conditioned themselves) just to accept it.
If this sounds familiar, mindset coaching — especially the kind we offer at Knowledge for Men — could be the perfect solution.
10. Learn From The Experience So You Can Do Better Next Time
If, in the end, you find that things do need to end, let the experience be one big lesson on how to assert yourself better the next time around.
Because chances are, that’s what led to your problems in the first place: a lack of assertiveness. Your inability to stand up for yourself and put your needs first led you to settle.
Maybe you were lonely. Maybe you just wanted sex. Whatever the case, you (and you alone) got yourself into a situation that wasn’t right for you. You have no one to blame other than yourself.
As you walk away from this, let it be a lesson of why being assertive going forward is so important.
Failed relationships — even the most casual ones — often make you feel like you wasted your time. But as long as you learn from your mistakes, it doesn’t need to be that way.
If you look at every misstep, every failure, as another step toward becoming the best version of yourself, there’s nothing you won’t be able to achieve.
Takeaways
If you find yourself in situations where you’re dissatisfied with your dating life, you owe it to yourself to make a change.
The expert coaching program at Knowledge for Men can help you unlock your alpha energy to fulfill your full potential.
Instead of constantly chasing after women, you’ll be the one who gets chased…
But even beyond that, your dating potential will reach levels you couldn’t even dream of previously. The quality of women you’ll attract into your life will improve dramatically.
And to be clear, this isn’t just about teaching you a few pick-up lines or pushing one-size-fits-all solutions; if you’re in the market for that, go somewhere else.
If you’re looking for profound change, this is where it’s at. You won’t just learn how to transform your dating prowess; you’ll optimize all areas of your life…
Have you spent years watching other men walk over you on the corporate ladder? Those days will soon be behind you.
Are you constantly at the mercy of ‘nice guy’ tendencies that garner praise from family, friends, and lovers but leave you empty inside? You can kiss that goodbye.
If you’re sick of waking up in the morning struggling to crawl out of bed because you have no purpose, the end is in sight.
The respect you so desperately seek is closer than you even realize…
All you have to do is take the first step; that’s always the most challenging part. And to be clear, we’re not holding anyone’s hands here. Around here, you’ll get expert guidance from the top coaches in the industry, but you still need to put in the work.
I guarantee you’ll be challenged like never before. But if you can rise to the occasion, step up, and become the best version of yourself, there’s no limit to what you can accomplish.
Are you ready to make a change?
You'll Love These Too
The 10 Reasons Why Men Need a Men’s Coach to Breakthrough in their Life and Relationships
What Should I Do With My Life? 10 Reasons You Feel Lost in Your 20s
Relationship Red Flags: 10 Signs Your Girlfriend Likes Another Man
Feeling Trapped in a Relationship? Common Reasons and How to Overcome It
Why Did She Leave Me? 8+ Reasons Why