We all want to be loved.
This is simply a part of the human condition.
Unfortunately, very few of us (including those of us with great parents) received any sort of education on the art and science of creating lasting love and intimacy.
As a result of our mis-education, most of us mess up our relationships royally.
We have toxic patterns and habits that we don’t even realize are holding us back from finding and sustaining love.
I’ve compiled a list of the seven biggest mistakes that most men are making in their relationships that are holding them back from achieving true intimacy and enjoying joyful relationships.
Let’s get started.
1. Playing Games Designed to Boost Your Ego and Avoid Rejection
I will be the first to admit it, dating is a game.
It’s a game, a dance, and a fight all happening at the same time.
In order to successfully attract a member of the opposite sex, we must play our cards well, being cognizant of what we say, how we say it, how we initiate physical touch, and countless other variables that spark and hold attraction.
There’s an inescapable push/pull dynamic that is a necessary part of filtering and testing potential partners.
But that’s not the type of game I’m referring to here.
I’m talking about the games that are played in an effort to boost ego and avoid rejection.
You know what I am talking about…
Lying about emotions, hiding important thoughts and feelings, manipulating circumstances in order appear right, these are all games that, in the end, will do nothing more than damage your relationships and destroy intimacy.
Admittedly, these games work… For a time.
However, their efficacy is limited to individuals with low self esteem and deeply rooted personal issues meaning that if you successfully “game” a woman, she’s likely not the type of person with whom you want to build a long term relationships.
So what’s the solution?
Be genuine in your dating experiences.
Don’t try to be somebody you’re not, and don’t be afraid to polarize people you go out with.
If they like you that’s great, because you know they really like you for who you are, and if they don’t like you that’s also great, because you two probably would have made an awful couple in the first place, and you’ll both end up better off.
2. Setting Unrealistic and Unexpressed Expectations that Make it Impossible for You to Find Real Love
Expectations are the driving force behind our emotional state of being.
If your expectations are exceeded, you are ecstatic.
If your expectations are met, you are happy.
And if your expectations are dismally unmet… Well, you’re a pretty miserable camper.
The problem that most of us have in our romantic relationships is that we don’t have clearly stated and well thought out expectations.
In our heads, many of us expect our significant other to cook, clean, work a part time job, look drop dead gorgeous every day, be ready to screw at the drop of a hat, and constantly support and encourage us whether we deserve it or not.
Is it any wonder that so many men struggle to find the right woman when they have expectations like these?
Before we move forward, let me set the record straight.
You can and should have standards.
There are certain behaviors and actions that are simply unacceptable.
It’s not unreasonable for you to expect fidelity from your partner.
It’s not unreasonable for you to expect emotional support from your partner.
It’s not unreasonable for you to expect your partner to take care of her appearance and physical health the same way that you do.
But the problem that most men encounter is that they simply have too many expectations that compound and compound until it’s impossible to find a woman who meets or exceeds even half of them!
Even men who have a realistic set of expectations often forget to share these expectations with their partner and have a clear understanding of what is required for the relationship to work.
If you want to eliminate pain and pressure in your relationships then start by sitting down with your partner and clearly defining your expectations together.
3. Giving Away Your Power and Putting Your Partner on Pedestal
Also known as being a “Nice Guy”, putting your partner on a pedestal is possibly more damaging to you than it is to the relationship.
When you develop the internal belief that you cannot live without your woman and that you must appease her every wish and desire in order to keep her interested, you give away your power.
When you put your woman on a pedestal, you show her that you do not respect yourself, that you are not a strong grounded man, and that you cannot lead her in the relationship.
This leads to a toxic form of love where your partner will step over you and force you to submit to their every whim and desire.
I understand that it’s difficult to remove the rose colored glasses and look at your partner objectively. But for any relationship to succeed, you must be rational and reasonable when dealing with your partner’s behavior.
If they are being manipulative, unfair, or derogatory, then you need to call them out and stand your ground.
Value yourself more than you value anybody else.
If you don’t, then your relationships will be an endless cycle of lies and manipulation.
4. Talking too Much, Listening too Little
You’ll be amazed at how much farther you can get in your dating life just by shutting up and listening to the other person.
For most of us, our favorite thing to talk about is ourselves.
This isn’t because we’re conceited or selfish, it’s because our entire life experience, and a result, all that we’re able to talk about, is perceived through our personal filter.
Because of this, we also love to be listened to.
Have you ever found yourself in one of those conversations where you couldn’t help but feel like the other person was just waiting for their turn to speak?
Yeah, don’t do that.
If you want to succeed in your dating life, you need to show a genuine interest in who your partner is and what they have to say. If you can make them feel like you’re a good listener and easy to talk to, I guarantee you you’ve already won half the battle and automatically put yourself above most other people they might interact with.
5. Waiting for Her to Make the First Move in Any Area of the Relationship
Gentleman, pay close attention to this little tip.
We live in a progressive society.
I’m all in favor of men and women having the same opportunities, the same means of self expression, and the same freedom to explore their sexuality.
But I’m also a fan of evolutionary psychology and the science of attraction and relationships.
And, for better or for worse, there’s absolutely no arguing that the vast majority of women want the man to make the first move.
This is true in the beginning stages or relationships.
It’s true as your relationship starts to grow.
And it’s true when you come towards the end of your relationship.
Most women (not all) want their man to take charge and make the first move.
If you find a woman attractive, go up and introduce yourself.
If your girlfriend is behaving in a way that is unacceptable, make the first move and tell her.
If you are ready to move your relationship forward and move in together, then make the first move and broach the conversation.
Whether you like it or not, hell, whether you believe it or not, we have been evolutionarily hardwired to take charge in romantic relationships.
The sooner that you own up to this fact, the sooner you will accelerate your results in every area of your romantic life.
6. Taking too Long to Sexually Escalate the Relationship
If you were raised in a particularly conservative manner, then this point probably flies in the face of everything that you were taught.
But hear me out…
In most cases, you want to have sex at a fairly early point in the relationship.
The reason for this is simple: Sex breaks the boundaries.
When you have sex with someone, you’re sharing with them the most intimate part of your physical self, and when these physical boundaries drop, so to do the emotional and mental ones.
Because of the comfort having sex gives you with another person, it allows you to determine with much greater accuracy what your relationship with them could be like long term.
I realize many people might not agree with me on this one, and that’s ok.
Physical intimacy, and peoples boundaries for when they choose to partake in it, are extremely personal and vary from person to person.
However, if you have found yourself in a perpetual cycle of bad relationships and missed red flags, then consider accelerating the pace of your sexual interactions.
The sooner you have sex with someone, the sooner you will know who they really are and the sooner you will be able to determine whether or not they are a good fit for you and your life.
7. Being Way too Serious about Dating and Relationships
A lot of us fail with dating before we even start simply because we take it way too fucking seriously.
We get so caught up in our own heads, wondering about what the other person is thinking about us, what we’re doing or not doing wrong, and getting so worked up that we end up not even being present and in the moment with the person we’re with.
Everybody gets nervous on dates, everybody gets anxious. It’s natural, it’s healthy, but don’t let it own you.
Realize that dating is just two people seeing if they enjoy each others company.
That’s it, and it’s all you should be focusing on, especially at first. Stop worrying about if they enjoy you, and start asking yourself if you enjoy them. Are they someone you feel comfortable with, are they someone you feel like you can easily talk to? If the answers to these questions are no it’s probably because you two just aren’t very compatible.
It’s not because you said this or did that, or because they said this or did that, because if compatibility was present, what you were both saying and doing would just click.
Relationships make the world go ’round.
Without love and romance, the world that we know simply wouldn’t exist and it’s important that every man masters this area of his life as quickly as possible.
If you pay attention and avoid these seven mistakes you will accelerate the quality (and possibly the quantity) of your romantic interactions almost overnight.
So get out there, have fun, and enjoy the process.
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