Is a cursed love worth losing yourself?
Is it worth it to love someone who might never love you back?
How much is your love worth?
These are tough questions, but they are also very real questions that you will have to answer if you are going to go through the pain of loving someone who is in a committed relationship with someone else.
Falling in love with a married woman can be complicated. In this article, I’m going to tell you what to do when you are in love with a married woman and what you can do to overcome the feelings of shame, guilt, anxiety, and excitement that come from loving someone who is with someone else.
1. Understand That They View You As Expendable
The hardest part about loving a married woman or a woman in a committed relationship is the hard fact that the relationship is not mutual, no matter how hard you try to make it seem that way.
How could it possibly be truly mutual if the person you love is splitting their time and sharing their bed with another man?
Your love could be pure and your intentions could be pure, but the harsh reality is that they probably view you as expendable above anything else. You’re a muse. You’re something they’re interested in mostly because they’re bored and unhappy in their own lives.
If your “situation” with them doesn’t work out, they’ll probably find someone else who can replace you. It probably won’t take you as long as you think.
This is the hard truth about loving someone who is married – they are in love with someone else, and they have their own slew of issues that they probably haven’t unpacked.
Otherwise, they wouldn’t be risking their marriage with you.
2. Determine If Your Love Is Worth the Pain
I’ll start with this: it’s probably not.
If you’re in love with someone, and they’re in a committed relationship with someone else, the relationship is built on a very fragile foundation. What’s to stop them from deciding that they love someone else and pulling the plug on that relationship right away?
What’s stopping them from moving on and cheating on someone else?
Infidelity is scary because it operates outside the grounds of what society considers to be good and true. It operates outside of our ethical boundaries, and this puts us at great risk for a lot of pain and heartbreak.
It’s dark. It’s dirty. It’s dishonest.
Is the love that you have for someone who’s married to someone else really worth the pain and depression that you will inevitably feel if it doesn’t work out?
The one time that I fell for a married woman, I made this mistake. I thought that love conquered all. I thought that the love I had for this woman would be enough to bring her to me. I thought everything would be okay if we just had each other. I thought my love would be worth the pain that I didn’t think I was going to feel.
I was naive and young. I was also wrong.
There’s more to a relationship than just love and infatuations. There’s more to it than just lust.
Love requires two people who are available for each other. When one of you is married, you don’t have that.
3. Determine What You Really Want With That Person
Do you really want a relationship with this person?
Is it love, or is it something else? Perhaps it’s infatuation or loneliness.
Either way, it’s a weak foundation for a relationship. It’s a weak foundation for love. A relationship that isn’t built on trust, loyalty, and respect will struggle to flourish under pretty much any circumstance.
Is that what you really want? A relationship that probably won’t last?
I doubt it, but still, the emotions of infatuation and lust are very powerful emotions, and they motivate people to do crazy and unintelligent things.
There are very few relationships that are built off of infidelity (more on this in a bit), and the odds of your relationship being one of them are very slim. It’s more likely that you’re struggling with poor self-control and infatuation with a person who doesn’t really love you and doesn’t see a future with you.
Do some soul-searching and figure out what it is that you really want. It’s probably not a fleeting “situationship” with a married woman.
4. Understand That You Deserve Someone Who Loves You – and Only You
Another key aspect of trying to figure out how to proceed when you’re in love with a married woman is understanding that you deserve someone who wants to be in a relationship with you and only you.
If you’re in love with a married woman, the hard truth is that you probably don’t want to share her with anyone. You want her all to yourself, and part of the reason you clicked on this article is that you wanted to figure out a way to convince her to leave her marriage and be with you.
The problem is that it’s really not up to you.
Love is complicated. Relationships are hard.
Still, that doesn’t mean that you have to be with someone who is only partially committed to you. That doesn’t mean you should settle for someone who can’t meet you in the middle.
You need to set strong boundaries and stick to those boundaries. If the person you are in love with doesn’t want to be with you entirely, you don’t need to be with them.
Relationships require mutual understanding, and a relationship with someone who isn’t truly there for you does not have any of that.
5. Don’t Put All Your Eggs In a Broken Basket
If you’re pursuing a married woman, there are a few key signs that she isn’t a great partner for you that you can deduce simply by talking to her.
First of all (and most obviously), she’s married and she’s even entertaining the idea of you. If she’s not entertaining you, you shouldn’t be pursuing her at all.
But if she’s married and talking to you, it’s highly likely that she’s not actually interested in being with you. It’s likely that she’s got some issues that she hasn’t quite unpacked and that she doesn’t plan to unpack.
She’s not the kind of woman you actually want to be with, she’s the kind of woman you want to “conquer” – more on that in a second.
She’s likely damaged, broken, and not getting any better. This isn’t to talk down about anyone, it’s just an honest analysis of the kind of person who cheats on their spouse.
They’re probably broken, and they probably just want to feel “alive” – whatever that means to them.
They likely are either a narcissist, a sociopath, or a “lonely heart”.
Do you really want to waste your limited time on earth pursuing someone who doesn’t have the capacity to fully love you?
6. Realize That You Aren’t Accomplishing Anything Good By Being With Them
There’s some weird part of the male ego that loves conquest. It loves the idea of taking from others.
It’s not the most fun thing to talk about, I probably sound like a bit of a jerk for suggesting that you could be like this, but I am saying that when I was in love with a married woman, part of me wanted to prove to myself that I was better than her husband. I wanted to prove that I was the “best possible partner”.
I wanted to “conquer” the relationship I was pursuing – even though that relationship was functional without me. I used “love” to justify these feelings.
I was selfish, immature, and insecure, and I took that out on someone else.
I saw this as a worthy accomplishment for me to pursue, instead of my own self-development, new skills, or simply just better possible partners.
And now granted, I was very young when I did this, but it was not my youth that caused my immaturity, it was my immaturity. I needed to grow up.
My fragile and boisterous ego almost ruined my life.
7. Be Prepared For Heartbreak
Normally, in relationships, protecting yourself is not a wise idea.
It’s terrible to love someone while constantly “watching your back.” It doesn’t lead to strong bonds because there is no “attachment”.
Attachment is good – even if people demonize it. Being attached to someone is how you love them better. It’s how you create stronger bonds with someone.
That’s why you don’t want to love someone who is unable to love you back wholeheartedly.
The attachment will be fragile. When things get hard, the person you’re pursuing an affair with will probably choose what feels comfortable – their relationship with their current spouse – over what feels new and exciting. Their relationship with you will be like a one-night stand – quick, exciting, passionate, and sad in the end.
But you probably won’t see it that way, because if you’re not careful, you’re going to fall for them. You’re going to get “stuck” on them, like I did.
Do you really want to love someone who cannot love you back?
It’s best to cut ties with the married person you’re falling for, but if the worst comes to worst, you need to prepare yourself for heartbreak and rejection.
8. Get Real — Stop Fantasizing About Long-Shot Dreams
What’s your best-case scenario with the married person who you’re falling for?
They drop everything and decide to be with you?
It’s a long shot.
Only about 25% of people’s relationships that begin as affairs actually end up lasting. This is lower than the divorce rate, lower than the average relationship rate, and just not a good way to start a relationship.
Love forged in sin does not end well, most of the time. This is a harsh reality for many people to accept.
Good relationships are not built on long-shot dreams. Good relationships are not built on cheating, infidelity, and low standards of behavior. Good relationships should be simple, joyful, and built on a strong foundation.
We talk a lot about this, but men still look for conquest above all.
Everyone wants to believe that they’re different. Good relationships start when you realize that we’re all pretty much the same.
There’s a life lesson in there that transcends relationships.
9. Revisit Your Core Relationship Values
Whenever your relationships struggle or when you find yourself on the verge of doing something a bit “crazy”, like pursuing love with someone who’s in a committed relationship with someone else, it’s a good idea to think about your values.
The values that you build your life on. The values that you want to build a relationship on.
Probably values that you’ve been building since childhood, like honesty, integrity, respect, or accountability.
Can a relationship with someone who is unfaithful really uphold these values? Or are you throwing away your core values in the name of pursuing someone who seems right at the time?
Someone who might never love you but fascinates you in this moment.
A good relationship cannot last without good core values. Love is built on these values. Love is the ability to build an honest connection with someone, despite challenges or conflicts.
If someone is leaving a relationship – and not upholding their own core values – what makes you think that they’re going to change for you?
Think about the core values that you want to demonstrate in a relationship. If you cannot uphold those values and be with someone who upholds those values, do not pursue the relationship.
Falling in love with a married woman is simultaneously anxiety-inducing, exciting, and terrifying.
It can make you feel isolated, anxious, terrified, and like the world is against you. That’s because you’ve taken on a very strange and taboo set of feelings. You might feel ashamed, upset with yourself, and even angry.
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