You thought you were going to be with her forever. It felt like a perfect relationship, your true “happily ever after.” You were torn apart when she left and decided to go her way. All you can do is think about her, wish for her to come back, and wonder how you can live without her.
Breakups are rough because they open up so many fears we have. What are you going to do now? Was that your last chance with women? Are you going to be alone forever? Why couldn’t she love you?
It’s a gripping, terrible kind of grief. Some might even argue that it’s worse than mourning death because you’re stuck knowing that she is just happier without you.
What do you do when you realize that the relationship you were so happy to have isn’t coming back?
It’s simple. You have to let go of her and move on. But… how?
1. Stop being clingy
There’s a reason why so many relationship coaches tell men to go “no contact.” No contact is a technique that is exactly what it says. It means you stop contacting your ex (or if it was just a matter of unrequited love, your crush).
No contact means that you don’t call her, you don’t text her, you don’t try to drive by her home, and you don’t talk to your friends so that they can relay messages to her. Don’t even stalk her Instagram!
It isn’t easy and often feels like a task you can’t accomplish. Even so, you have to try your hardest not to call her.
This may seem silly and impossible initially, but there is a method to this madness.
This accomplishes two things: first, it gives her space so she might reconsider the breakup. If you chase after her, she won’t respect you and may even think you’re unstable. Second, it also helps you get her out of your mind.
If you can’t trust yourself to stay away from her, ask a friend to manage your social media and delete her number from your phone. Sometimes, we need that help.
2. Change the narrative on how you view this breakup
When you first realize you have to let go of someone, you might start to experience negative thoughts creeping into your mind.
You might think that you’re never going to find someone better or that this is your “last chance.”
Now is not the time to see things that way. You must start rethinking the narrative of how you view this breakup or separation. These things, in particular, are best to keep in mind:
- “I’m now more free to find someone compatible with me and wants to be with me.” You’d have stayed together if she wanted to be compatible with you. You now have the freedom to find someone who will be with you happily and want to stay with you.
- “She was not the one for me, and that’s okay.” It’s okay to admit that you’re not compatible with the person you loved. There’s nothing wrong with you if you can’t make a relationship work. What matters is that you accept that things don’t work out and that it’s a part of life.
- “Just because this didn’t work out doesn’t mean I’ll be lonely forever.” It may seem grim now, but that doesn’t mean things can’t change. You can become more attractive and find people who are attracted to you.
- “You lived without her before; you can do it again.” Trust yourself when you say this isn’t the end of the world.
- “What she does without me is on her, not me.” If she guilted you into staying by saying she’d hurt herself, you have to remind yourself that it’s not your fault. She may say it is, but deciding to harm oneself is always a solo act.
3. Remind yourself that “what if” doesn’t exist and that your relationship wasn’t perfect
It’s easy to feel like you could have had everything in the world if you had stayed together. It’s even easier to reflect on the relationship and focus on the good times. Good memories can exist in even the most toxic relationships.
Unfortunately, nostalgia has a way of reminding us of the good times without any source of realism in our minds. You have to remind yourself about the times that weren’t good—the arguments, her gross habits, even those little pet peeves that initially seemed cute.
This type of grounding has a way of letting you empower yourself. Sometimes, it can emphasize how much you didn’t want this relationship to work.
4. Reach out to your friends and family
There is something to be said about being able to connect romantically with someone special, but in many cases, what you need is to have people around you who care.
Now would be a good time to remind yourself who cares about you.
Believe it or not, many relationships have become easier to move on from the therapy that comes from a guy’s night out.
Few friends will understand what you’re going through like your fellow men.
5. Get reacquainted with yourself
It’s so easy to lose yourself in a relationship. Sometimes, the easiest way to move on from a bad breakup is to reintroduce to yourself. You are pretty awesome company if you give yourself a chance.
There are plenty of ways to remind yourself why you’re a great partner. These activities alone can help:
- Cook or order that food she hated. You know that food. The delicious food she hated.
- Do the hobbies that you forgot about while you were taken. Plenty of men forgot about going to the gym or sporting events because their partners didn’t want to go. This can include things like hunting, fishing, or even wine-making.
- Write down three things you enjoy about yourself. This is a must-do if your self-esteem took a particularly hard hit.
- Go to that place she disliked, but you enjoyed. Yes, even if it’s that one cruddy discotheque.
- Try that one thing you’ve wanted to do but never got around to. Even if it’s skydiving, it’s a good idea.
6. Realign yourself with your masculinity
It’s strange how a breakup can make you feel less of a man. You start to get the feeling that you’re a failure—but this is something you can combat if you know what to look for.
Now is an important time to realign yourself with what makes you a man. This means it’s time to pay attention to yourself, practice self-love, and remind yourself of the good things that come with being a man.
This is when you should hit the gym, talk to someone who understands men’s needs, and start getting competitive with something productive.
7. Let the emotions come and go as they please
There’s this belief that men shouldn’t cry or that anger is the only emotion men should show. This is neither true nor healthy.
If you keep bottling emotions up, you will have a bad time. This delays how long your grief will take. As awkward as it can be at first, let the emotions come out.
Cry if you have to.
Trying to battle the feelings or force yourself to feel something you don’t make things worse. It’s okay to cry in private if you can’t cry around others. It’s also okay to parse things out on your own.
There’s no timeline for healing, so take your time.
8. Get back out there when you’re ready
Controversial as this may be, a rebound can help you cope with a major breakup. Sometimes, getting over someone means you might need to get under someone else.
Having a good rebound or even starting a new relationship can give you a good reality check. You might discover that your ex was not the perfect person you thought she was.
Of course, breaking up with your significant other and then going to a bar the night after isn’t a good idea.
In most cases, you should wait at least 1 to 2 months before you try to work your magic on the scene again.
When you’re trying to deal with a breakup, there’s no roadmap given to guys. Letting go of the relationship is one of the hardest things to do. You’re not wrong for feeling hurt or even feeling abandoned.
Getting out of a relationship leaves many questions you may struggle to answer. That’s why it makes sense to have a coach who understands the struggles of a bad breakup—someone who’s been there.
The Knowledge for Men coaching program is for men ready to take their lives to the next level. This includes getting over a bad breakup and learning to move on. Are you ready to get a better life and leave the past behind?