I often hear people nowadays say that they “suck at texting”.
People say this as a joke to convey their lack of communication skills, but the truth is that being bad at texting is not funny.
No one wants to date someone who is lazy with their words. No one wants to date someone who they can’t make plans with.
No one wants to date someone who can’t communicate. That last one is the most important.
And look, I get it – texting is hard. Digital communication isn’t exactly hardwired into our primal DNA, and it can be really hard to learn to text effectively.
If you find yourself developing feelings for someone, you will suddenly look at texting them as something that matters to you.
You might get anxious, and this might force you into being a dry texter because you want to “play it safe”.
That’s why I wrote this article. I want to help you become the most interesting and cool-minded texter possible so that you are able to build digital relationships into stronger real-life relationships.
I’ve studied some of the most important psychological concepts that will help you with your digital communication skills, and I’ve tried to bring them all together below.
Let’s dive in!
One Text Can Ruin a Relationship
In a new relationship, it can feel like on wrong text is going to get you “ghosted” or rejected by your potential date.
While it’s true that some texts might “ruin everything”, it’s actually a lot harder than you probably think to send texts that will make her run for the hills.
Luckily, there are a few rules that you can use to become someone that the person you’re interested in actually wants to text.
You can use basic psychology to become someone more attractive and more interesting.
Before You Do Anything, Set Realistic Expectations
Do you know how many issues in relationships could be solved with honest, clear communication? A lot of them.
Texting is no different. Let her know how often you can text. You don’t have to be weird about it, but do be honest.
Girls like honesty. People like honesty.
You could say something like, “Hey, sorry but I can’t text you back until after work because I have to do this important. I’ll text you when I’m done!”.
I’ve also found that using selective exclamation points is important because it conveys that you’re excited about texting someone. The same is true for planning dates.
Don’t Get Right Into the Heavy stuff, But Don’t Be Shallow
One of the biggest problems with texting is that you will often end up saying things to the person you are texting that you wouldn’t say in person.
Texting forces us to ignore many of the social cues that keep things from getting awkward, and early relationships are already a little awkward as it is (this is normal when you’re getting to know someone).
One of the most important things you can do when you’re texting is simply avoiding telling someone who you’ve barely met your whole life story in writing.
If there’s any advice I could give to my 16-year-old self who was trying to figure out how to talk to women, it’s that in texting, less is more.
Less Is More
Texting your crush less isn’t just about not seeming “clingy”.
Really, the reason that texting less is so important is that it conveys the message that you actually have a life outside of your little texting session with whoever you have feelings for.
It’s not about being clingy, it’s about showing that you are a man who is worth dating. This doesn’t mean you should ignore her – don’t do that either.
However, it does mean that when you’re texting her, don’t make it seem like the whole world is riding on whatever her next text is to you.
Texting is a casual form of communication. One of the biggest social errors of the 21st century has been forgetting that and placing too much emphasis on texts. Don’t use your texts as your personal diary.
Use your texts as a way to get to know someone and makes plans to I don’t know… date them in real life. Don’t Be a Ghost It’s not an article on texting without a section on ghosting.
Are there times when ghosting is ethical? Even Tinder says “yes”, but these situations are few and far between.
For the most part, you should always give a reason why you are deliberately not texting someone back – especially in the early stages of a relationship.
Being timely with your texts isn’t just common courtesy, it’s a strategy to keep the person interested in you.
Being a bad texter can bore some people, and it’s important to understand this for a few reasons. As you get to know someone, you should try to see what importance they place on texting and see if your “texting styles” match up.
Texting Is a Tool
Just because I wouldn’t recommend using your texting as a way to pour your heart out to your crush or the woman you’re seeing doesn’t mean that we can’t use texting as a tool to flatter, learn about, and flirt with women that we’re interested in.
There are just a few things you need to know flirting over text:
Number 1: Sending flirty texts is always a risk, but that’s okay.
I’m not saying this to scare you, I’m saying this so that you know the truth.
When you send someone a text that is flirty in nature, you always run the risk of being rejected. I recommend that you accept that before you send the message.
This is just how it is.
In the same way that a girl could say “no” when you ask her out at a bar, she could also say “no” when you text her that you think she’s beautiful (or whatever sort of romantic message you decide to send). There are no guarantees in dating.
Number 2: It’s easier to write a text than it is to go on a date.
One problematic thing that a lot of people do is act one way online and then entirely differently in real life.
Heck, in my younger years I was guilty of this too.
If you want your relationships to improve, the easiest thing that you can do is stop lying to yourself about who you are, and stop projecting that lie in text messages to the women who you are interested in dating.
If you’re going to make a girl feel like you’re going to treat her like a princess via text, don’t ask her to split the bill. Be realistic with yourself and your expectations.
Number 3: Texting chemistry does not equate to real-life chemistry.
I’ve known women in the past who I loved texting, but couldn’t stand in real life.
This isn’t a knock on the women, the problem wasn’t them or me in these relationships, the problem was a lack of chemistry.
Sometimes, you have chemistry, sometimes you don’t.
Good relationships have chemistry via text and also chemistry in real life, but the second is far more important than the first.
Texting is a tool that you can use to get to know someone, flirt with someone, and make plans with someone, but your relationship over the phone is not as important as your relationship with someone in real life.
When you recognize this, it will take away a lot of the pressure and anxiety that you might feel surrounding texting.
Understanding Your Competition
When it comes to texting, you need to realize something.
When a woman opens her phone, there are a lot of things that could “go wrong”.
She could get distracted by a cat video on Instagram. She could get a text from another guy who she matches on a different dating app. She could get an important phone call from work that requires her attention.
So, how do you compete with all of these different contributing factors?
The answer is right in front of you. The answer is her.
The only thing that a girl is going to want to talk about more than her job, the cute cat video, or her other social obligations is herself.
People love to talk, but most people’s favorite thing to talk about is themselves.
This doesn’t make them conceited, it’s just a part of human psychology. In order to be “different”, take a break from talking about yourself. Listen.
Ask questions. If she’s interested in you, she will make the effort to ask you about yourself too.
This is how early connection works in the digital age. As a man, you have to take a shot and show her that you’re interested in her by asking her about herself.
Give her a reason to want to text you.
If you can pull that off (which I guarantee most guys aren’t doing), you will already have a leg up on most men in the dating game today.
How to Beat Texting Anxiety
Even if you’re “good” at texting women, you can still get “texting anxiety”.
It’s easy to become attached to your phone every time you get a message from that special someone.
This is because every time you receive a text message, you get a hit of dopamine. It’s really easy to become addicted to this dopamine, and as a result, you’ll force yourself into pursuing relationships that are not right for you, not healthy, and based on the pursuit of fleeting dopamine highs.
The human brain is wired that way, and while it’s kind of annoying, there isn’t much we can do about it. To deal with this anxiety, you simply have to deflect your desire for dopamine into other things.
I recommend channeling this thirst for dopamine into healthy stuff, instead of porn, drugs, or alcohol. Remember, this is simple, but not easy.
Here are a few healthy things that produce dopamine besides “texting your crush”:
- Listening to music
- Eating a piece of chocolate
- Spending time in the sun
- Eating protein
- Doing something you enjoy, like writing, playing the guitar, or reading
There are a lot of things that you can do with your time that is not only more productive than waiting for the woman you’re crushing on to text you back, but also more enjoyable.
Remember, early relationships are not as serious as your anxiety might tell you that they are.
Relax and try to enjoy them a bit.
Do not become addicted to those early-stage dopamine rushes. Cheap dopamine makes addicts of us all.
Texting is a skill, just like all other aspects of dating. In order to become an interesting texter who is able to hold digital conversations with women, you need to remember a few things that we highlighted in this article.
First, you need to remember that texting is a part of a relationship.
Texting conversations are not relationships themselves. You aren’t dating your cellphone.
This isn’t Her or some other creepy science-fiction movie – this is real life and you’re talking to a real person.
Following that idea, you need to remember that most people walk around spending most of their time in their own heads focused on their own thoughts and their own experiences.
If you can get out of your head and focus your energy and attention on the woman you are talking to, you will stand out compared to her other potential suitors.
Finally, you need to remember that your “addiction” to texting that girl you like has less to do with her, you, or your “connection”, and just about everything to do with your addiction to cheap dopamine from your cell phone.
Put down your phone and go for a walk. This will make you a more interesting texter, anyway. In the digital era, it’s essential to learn how to be a timely texter and a skilled texter.
You don’t need to be glued to your phone to build relationships digitally, but you do need to learn how to practice good digital habits. I am confident that these tips will help you land your next date.
Are you ready to texts into dates, dates into girlfriends, and relationships into the happiest life you ever imagined?
Lucky for you, that’s exactly what I help men do with my exclusive coaching program.
See, this program isn’t only going to help you break free from nice guy behaviors, build quality romantic relationships, and become a stronger Grounded Man.
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